Where does the time go?

Wow, I didn't even look at the date on my last entry because it would just be shocking or depressing, not sure which. Lucky for me, I don't have dispense life or death material so it's not a huge deal.

Let's see. The past few months have been pretty much monumental, a piece of my life that will forever be in my memory and that has permanently shaped me. I saw my family a ton this summer but under unfortunate circumstances that my Mum was in the hospital, as pretty much anyone who reads this knows. In an effort to keep a very rough event in it's place, I will not delve deeper except for this, a quote that sums up a lot: "The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain." Oh that and do not neglect telling people how much you care about them and love them...we do not control everything and you just really never know what the last thing you say to someone will be, so make it good.

On a lighter note, the improvements have been such that our whole family, Mum included, will be going to Mexico for Thanksgiving! And to celebrate my oldest sister getting married (via elopement in The Seychelles). I can't wait. Yes, the sun is a very high item on the list of what I'm psyched about but more so to see the fam.

Other than that, I've been in the same travel boat of living out of a suitcase more often than not. And although I've been home for a good 2 weeks (amazing how that seems like a treat to me), I am off again this weekend but for an amazing wedding weekend! Happy Wedding to the amazing Brierley Wright (soon to be Horton) and her wonderful fiance Andy Horton!!!! Black tie fun, here we come.

Up Next

I feel like a broken record when I talk about my travel schedule and how often I'm on the road, and I thought this summer would feel different. Last summer I was literally gone 75+% of the time. Going into this summer I knew I'd be traveling for 8 or so days per month so figured it'd be much lighter. Well, some things came up that changed that and I, once again, feel like I live out of a suitcase. Actually, I pretty much DO live out of a suitcase, in airports, hotels and the likes.

Next up on the docket is Labor Day weekend in FL to spend time with my parents. This will be the first time in a while I'll be able to just pack a carry on bag. Crazy. I'll get back on Tuesday night and then 5 days later (just enough time to unpack, do laundry and repack!) I'll lug my giant suitcase back to the Burlington airport to head out west for 9 days in Salt Lake City for the 4th stop of the summer Dew Tour. I have never spent time in SLC (only in Park City one winter) so I'm excited to check the city out, hopefully find some good restaurants and watering holes, catch up w/my event friends and more. And even more exciting is Mini B is driving over from Aspen to work for me for the weekend. I have spent all summer with all guys (I guess there are worse things) but I've been dying for a female side-kick, partner in crime. And who better than Mini B! It will definitely add a lot to the weekend to have a close friend with me and someone to hang out w/during down time. Yahoo!

Time to get packing!

Two lives

This is my only pet peeve with Blogs is you don't update for a few weeks and you are so far behind you either have to post a long winded update or just skip over things and start at the current day. Hmm. I'll spare anyone who actually reads my blog the pain of reading about the past 2 months and jump to today.

I've been essentially living 2 separate lives the past 5 weeks. One, my normal life...work, friends, work travel, gym, cooking, etc. The other a world you can never prepare for, a world you aren't sure is real sometimes. A world that made me realize how important people in your life are...the ones you love. Friends, family, significant others. How overly important it is to spend time with these people and tell them how much you care for and love them, no matter how suffocating it may seem.

5 weeks ago I found myself walking into a room that I can honestly say embodied the worst day of my life, an experience I don't wish on my worst enemy. It put a lot into perspective. It also put me in a tailspin of having many days that I am not sure I can get through and some I do but end with a full on breakdown. It has been a test...physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Like I said, two different lives. Sometimes I go through the normal life and almost pretend the other isn't there...almost as a protector to insure my sanity, to insure I don't completely lose it. Then I remind myself how important the other life is in relation to my regular life...how it translates into what I was saying above about people.

I have learned about 1,000,000 things in the past 5 weeks but I think the most important one is to love the people in your life, love them fully and let them know it. Don't hold back, don't regret not saying things, not calling someone, not hugging someone, not spending time with someone. How lucky to be able to have people, friends, family you love. I am pretty sure that this experience has allowed me to more wholly love and care for people and that has truly been the thing getting me through many days.

Love the ones you are with.

The Rain in Spain

At least if it were the rain in Spain, I'd be in Spain. Ever since I returned from Chicago, it has been a non-stop deluge of rain, minus one sunny day over the weekend. I honestly don't know how it can rain this much short of living in a RAINforest. It is wearing on me, grating at my last nerve, causing me to lose motivation to be active or social or heck, even fun! I dig a good lightening and thunderstorm every once in a while...a good excuse to curl up on the couch with a good book all day. But every day, can't handle it. I'm a sun baby. I spent 19 of my 26 years in places that saw over 300 days of sun a year. And when it rained, it rained for an hour then the sun came back out to warm the ground and bring the smiles back to our faces.

The rain has been an added element to many big things going on in my head. It has sort of been the icing on a cake that is still in the oven, but almost ready to come out. This cake, it has been an intricate recipe, many ingrediants that needed to be handled in a very specific way so as not to upset the overall balance of the cake and flavors. I think I've gotten it right this time. When the cake is done and ready, I think it will be almost too pretty to eat, almost too good, but I have a feeling it might be the best cake yet. And if the recipe still isn't quite right, it will be very obvious...I won't be able to eat the cake just yet and will have to try again in the future.

We shall see....things to come.

Danger Zone

Ok. I'm going to go totally out of order in the next few posts. 

One of my favorite movies is "Top Gun". Sort of cliche, but I just love it, for many reasons. Granted, the shirtless volleyball scene puts it over the top, but there are other reasons. Anywho. I had a flash of that movie tonight as I was thinking of the words "Danger Zone" in my head. In the movie Tom Cruise finds himself in multiple "Danger Zones" and sometimes he could opt out, walk away, make another choice but he decides to stay on the path he's on...and it works out. Yes, it's a fictional work of Hollywood. But does pop culture always have to be so far off? I am in a Danger Zone of sorts. I realize I should change course, pick a different route, maybe even turn around completely. But something is telling me not to. Things keep falling into my lap that leave me almost no option but to continue into the Danger Zone. It could be bad. It could be unwise. It could be harmful. It could make things hard on me. But I can't choose another course, not just yet.

I have always said "The biggest regrets in life are the risks you didn't take" and I feel like only recently I started living by this motto. Yes. It often leads you into the lions den, into the Danger Zone, into unchartered territory. Often times it ends in upset, pain, confusion, distress. But I am trying to continue that vow to life without regret, to risk, to try. Maybe, just maybe, it will eventually lead to greatness, not pain or confusion. Sometimes you have to ignore the obvious, ignore things existing outside of the immediate and just pay attention to what's happening right in front of you, right to you, right now. Life is a series of circumstances. It's how we choose to perceive them, that I think truly affects their outcome. And again, I think when it comes to risk and regret, in the words of the Doors, "I do not regret the things I've done, but those I did not do".

I'm on a highway to the Danger Zone.

Blip in the Radar

Funny how right when things seem to be going so well, it's almost inevitable for a little blip in the radar to appear. I sometimes wonder if it happens to knock some reality back into you, remind you that there will always be roadblocks, difficulty, and not let you get to comfortable in grandeur of things. I am not sure what it is, but I feel totally out of my skin. I can't sit still, I feel like I could blow my lid at any minute, I want to punch a wall, curl up in my room, run until I can't feel my legs, disappear for a few days. There's a cumulation of things...our offices are moving Monday, I fly out for my big event in a week, work is crazy and unpredictable, people are inconsistent and confusing, my hamstring is acting up, my apartment needs to be cleaned, I miss my sisters and parents. Wow...talk about a "waaaaah" fest. My old office mate would say to me, "Someone call the WAAAAHmbulance!" I need a good dose of laughter and a great surprise to shake me out of this funk. I hate funks. I'm a bit of a control freak so when things get out of my control, or I wake up feeling off and can't pinpoint what it is, therefore how to fix it, I get antsy and frustrated. I need a remedy but I don't know the ailment. I know one part of the ailment, but I can't control it....what if a doctor said to you, after you explain your symptoms, "yeah...I know exactly what you have but sadly I have no idea how to fix it or make it feel better.". Brutal. I may have to go dark for a few days, decompress. I am definitely looking forward to heading off to Chicago in a week, gone for 10 days. I'll be totally busy the whole time, distracted, unable to think about stupid stuff, focus on what I've been working on for the past few months, see some friends, make some new ones. I need an escape. I need a massage. I need a glass of wine...or three.

The Past Reflects Eternally Between Two Mirrors...

I am completely addicted to this new book I'm reading - Shantaram. I'm entranced. Enthralled. Engrossed. Enveloped. I have two other books, scratch that, three that I'm supposed to have done by next week, one of which I am the host for and I can't seem to pick them up in lieu of this book.

I am a total nerd, especially when it comes to reading. One of my tendencies is that I dog ear pages and underline key phrases/quotes. This book is quickly becoming a series of dog ears. I swear, every other page has a profound statement, and they are beginning to truly affect me. One of my favorites is part of this blog entries title: "The past reflects eternally between two mirrors - the bright mirror of words and deeds, and the dark one, full of things we didn't do or say."

I try to live by a similar quip - "I do not regret the things I've done, but those I did not do." It's definitely easier said than done, but if you can do it, if you can live that way, the rewards far beat the risks associated with having regret of things undone or unsaid.

A new situation I have found myself in has really pushed me to follow this...to look at that mirror of the past and remind myself, today is the day, the day to not hold back, to not sally out, to not tip toe around. Today is the day to go for it, to take a risk, to take a bit of a leap of faith b/c I have nothing to lose except regret of not trying with all my might.

The other amazing part about this book, besides the general story and amazing quotes is that it is making me HUNGRY to travel, specifically to India. I can't express how badly I wish I could just take off for a few months and travel, explore. It's so in my heart, in my soul, the desire. I know I eventually will take a "sabbatical" from life and do it...perhaps it just isn't the right time. Perhaps my time will be when I meet that "someone" and we do it together, an adventure to begin a journey of life together. Who knows. All I know is winds are changing, things are stirring, and I dig it. And I refuse to let moments pass...I refuse to look at the mirror of my recent and soon to be past and see the dark mirror. It's a gift, hold on to it as long as it will let you.

Dawning

It can be really hard sometimes to not get ahead of ourselves, but sometimes the feeling is too great to just ignore it and not get a bit carried away. 

Beginnings. I have always had mixed feelings about beginnings of anything because it’s the most uncertain point of something new. Be it a move, a job, a friend, a lover, a pet. You have no idea how the next day will be, if it will be better or worse than the current, if it will end up only getting more amazing with each passing minute, if it’s destined to be something greater, something with even more meaning that you originally imagined. I think humans, as a species, are raised to feel uncomfortable with this sort of new uncertainty, we want to know what’s ahead so we can plan. But that, in and of itself, can ruin the innocence of a beginning, can rob it of it’s purity which, in the end, will be what leads it to something greater. Letting it be what it will be, in that day, that instant, without worrying about the next day or moment will hold. 

Sometimes it’s hard to make sure we don’t get in the way of ourselves, that we take the moment for the moment and live fully in it. But when you can do that, especially in the case of beginnings, it is so rewarding, so fulfilling, so great. Surrendering yourself to a circumstance, it’s invigorating. You leave it without regret, without what-ifs, what could-haves. So how do you know if a moment, part of a beginning has been a success, beyond the gut feeling, that slight nausea of greatness? Sometimes you take a quick glance back at the moment and you see it looking right back at you...then you know...it agrees. 

It Starts

Somehow, every year, I forget that summer is my crazy season. Ok that's kind of a lie...every season is my busy season. But summer is when my work travel goes into high gear, and my life in general seems to become packed with things to do, places to go, people to see, projects to complete.

Now, if you were witness to my work travel schedule last summer, you will understand how excited I am to report that this summer will be MUCH lighter. Ok, it is still a lot for people who never travel for work but considering last summer I was home about, oh, 4-8 days max a month, it's a major improvement. I will be gone about 7-9 days a month from now until the end of the year, managing my clients presence at the Dew Action Sports Tour. It will be long, hard working days but the locations are great and I have friends in most of the cities. I also know a lot of people on the tour and haven't seen them in a few years so it will be great to have a monthly reunion. My tour of duty will take me to Chicago, Boston, Portland OR, Salt Lake City and Orlando. Not bad spots. I'll be making a quick stop in Seattle next weekend too for a Zumiez Couch Tour event...I've never been to Seattle so I'm excited to check it out, although I've been told to skip the Space Needle, it's the Pee-Wee squad of high towers. I will for sure be taking a ride on a ferry though.

Besides work, I feel like summer consists of little weekend trips to see friends or hit the beach, Saturday farmers markets, BBQ's, pool parties, boating, the plethora of races I want to do, concerts on the lawn, bookclub, dinner parties and more. Not to mention wanting to take a dance class and finish my photography website. Does it ever end?

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I weren't constantly busy. Like, what do people do when they don't have plans? Ok...I have free nights and weekends (it's like a cellphone commercial) every so often, and believe me, I cherish them. But sometimes I think, you never know what's around the corner, and you certainly aren't going to find out by doing nothing. 

Viva La Summer!

It's Almost Ready!

So, I have been working on a website the past week or two, specifically for my photos. It's nothing super fancy, but it's pretty cool for a first time, no programming background website if you ask me. Amen to Mac's iWeb...seriously, genius. I am really excited to launch in it hopes of it helping me at least be inspired to keep up with my photography more regularly, and ideally get me some shows and/or sales of prints. I will post the website as soon as it's officially live. 

I like feeling inspired about something I love. Sometimes I forget, and then something ignites that passion that lives deep within me. Photography is absolutely that, and I've become more inspired recently. I've become inspired to pursue it more, and more importantly, to do it more. I really want a new lens. I really want more trips to continue to inspire me. I really want to become more brave with photographing people. Goals are good. Inspiration is great. Together they are a wonderful pair I believe. 

URL to come. Stay tuned!

Music to my ears

I got into a conversation earlier this week with someone about music. I have conversations with people about everything under the sun, but I can't remember the last time music was the topic of the hour. It was a surprising conversation in that it involved the kind of substance I'd more often expect in a discussion of politics or art. Don't you love when that happens? You get sneak-attacked conversationally. 

Beethoven said, "Music is the mediator between the spiritual and the sensual life". I am horrible with song lyrics...actually, I'm worse with song names and artists. I listen to music for the melody, the beat, the notes. Lyrics are a total afterthought for me. I have come to realize that people are generally either a lyrics person or a melody person. Some people qualify a song as "great" based on the words it preaches, others on the notes it sends dancing through the air. Again, I'm absolutely a melody person. I think it may have to do with the fact I was trained in classical piano for over 10 years so my ear is based purely on notes. 

When a song I like comes on, I swear, my heart skips a beat when those first notes play, or when the first chorus plays. It sends flutters down my spine...almost like the feeling of a soft kiss...sensual and spiritual. I guess Beethoven was on to something there.

Some songs of the moment for me:

- "Train Song" by Feist and Ben Gibbard

- "Bruises" by Chairlift

- "Skinny Love" by Bon Iver

- "Hide & Seek" Morgan Page remix (Imogen Heap)

- "The Funeral" by Band of Horses

- "I'm Yours" (acoustic version) by Jason Mraz (I just came from a wedding, it rubbed off a bit)

I'm curiously to hear some other people's songs-of-the-week...I always love to find new music.

This and that

This is the problem with not posting regularly...I feel like I have to do a "catch-up" posting versus something more specific...a theme or story or whatever. Alas. 

Things of late. Well, a very exciting addition to my apartment/life...a kitten!!! She's my little button. Her name is not 100% confirmed but it's looking like it may be Maddalena...Lena or Madz for short. I was watching La Dolce Vita the day before I got her so that name was stuck in my mind, and then I googled it and turns out, it's also an island near Corsica that is only accessible via boat...kind of a cool tie-in since I had to take a boat to go get my little one. She has 2 settings...snuggle-bug and crazy kitty. It's pretty entertaining. 

I also recently got back from a week vacation in Mexico. I rarely take vacations where I actually "vacate", relax, chill out. I am usually travel-book in tow, pages dog-eared of monuments and sights and cities I want to visit...days packed with adventure and to-do's. This, however, was a week filled with lazying on a very nice yacht, dingy-ing into a cute little island to lay on the beach and drink margaritas and eat guacamole and get tan. Ok..in all fairness, I did have on item on the "agenda"...finishing my diving certification. I had 4 open water check-out dives to go and despite a quickly forming sinus infection, I got them done...I'm now a certified diver!! I will do another post about that shortly.

We just finished a book for bookclub - Mudbound. It was quite good but also sobering in being reminded of segregation and racism only a few decades ago. The conversation was great, as usual, and we all shared stories of modern day prejudism. It's crazy that although we have evolved significantly from the days of lynching and back-of-the-bus, there are still ignorant people out there who know no different. It's sad really.

Tomorrow I am on a plane, yet again. I think this will be 3 times in one month. This time to a wedding in FL. A very important wedding. The wedding of my best guy friend from college. A person who knows me so well, after being apart for over 4 years, he still remembers what kind of alcohol I like and bought a bottle to have in the house we'll be staying in. What a guy. Alas...another one to take the plunge. I'm psyched to see all my college boys though...it seems like a million lives ago, my world was so intimately woven with theirs.

Happy Wednesday!

The Good

The other day my friend Brianna posted the below that she had received from her mom and I thought it was really great, and something that I would like to read every morning as a reminder. Sometimes I think we spend so much time looking at the negative things, we miss the positives, or we look so far ahead, we miss what's right in front of us, happening at this very moment. Sometimes I feel like I want to move, right now, this instant, pick up and start new. I eventually will, but I have to remind myself that if it's not happening today, or tomorrow, I need to look right around me and enjoy what I have now, here, in this moment and place b/c there's so much that is great...sometimes it just gets muddied by visions of what can be or might be in the future. 

I might just have to print this list out and put it somewhere I will see every day. It'd be a great way to start each day. 

MAYBE: 

Maybe… we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift. 

Maybe… when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us. 

Maybe… it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives. 

Maybe… the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. 

Maybe… the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches. 

Maybe… you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do. 

Maybe… there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child -- so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more. 

Maybe… the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had. 

Maybe… you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too. 

Maybe… you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone. 

Maybe… giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours. 

Maybe… happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives. 

Maybe… you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile. 

Maybe… you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy. 

Maybe… you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you crying.

La Isla...Mujeres!

This time on Saturday, I will be halfway to Mexico! Ahhh I'm SO excited! It has been many many months since I have been in the presence of a powerful sun, sand and relaxation (OK...I guess Thailand was only 4.5 months ago but for me, that's long!). I will be landing in Cancun, hopping a ferry over to Isla Mujeres and climbing aboard my sisters new home...her fiance's boat. Rough life, eh? Not sure of our exact plan, which is totally cool with me...I need an escape from planning and order, organization and precision. Give me spontaneity and adventure! 

We'll be starting here:

(the stinking photo upload isn't working so the link will have to suffice until it is fixed) 

We may hang out there and do some diving, or we may take the boat back to Puerto Aventuras where it "lives", dive, sunbathe and so on. We may take a quick trip down to Honduras and/or Roatan...who knows! 

My travel itch is about to be scratched. I MUST get away every few months, see a new part of the world, explore. Part of me finds it a little odd to be going somewhere with the main purpose being to relax and lay in the sun (oh and do my open water check out dives). I'm used to traveling places laiden with history and culture, sights and sounds...packing a million things into 2 weeks, hopping trains, planes and automobiles to see it all! Maybe I'll check out some of the Mayan ruins, just to tap into that a bit. I will for sure be taking a bunch of photos...I am envisioning this as being a good trip for portraits and lifestyle shots...my favorite and my speciality. Other than that my MO is to overdose on Vitamin D, drink some legit margaritas, have a Mexican food glutton fest, relax and disconnect, and hang with my sis and future bro-in-law #2!!! Ahhh Mehico! (insert finger snap Mexican dance move thing :-) )

Maybe, just maybe, I'll allow myself a little bit of connection to the real world and do a little mid-trip posting...just to tease you all stuck in the winter-to-spring transition of gloom. I know, I'm an evil one...See you all in mid-April!

Blog Lovin'

Follow my blog with bloglovin´

This might inspire me to get more creative on my blog...Step 1) Join BlogLovin'. Step 2) Add me to your "follow list". Step 3) Enjoy the life of blog-reading-addiction :-)

Cheers!

Blog-a-palooza

Ok. Now, I must admit, I wish I could come up with a creative and unique enough blog to get a plethora of loyal followers (more than just you Soe...but of course I love and am honored that you read this one!). I myself, am a blog-lover. I get to work in the morning and as my email is booting up, I check in on my favorite blogs. It's like a Blog-A-Palooza every morning for me. I have a slew of favorites, the majority of them being fashion blogs. And most recently, one of my blogs introduced me to the magic of Bloglovin' ...a brilliant little thing for people like me who not only frequent many a blog, but are also major organizers and love streamlining things. Check it out. 

Here are my morning regulars:

The Sartorialist

Sea of Shoes

PenelopePost

Garance Dore

NAST

On a weekly basis I also check-in on my dear friend Isaac, see what craziness he has been up to.

I just recently discovered the last two (Garance and NAST) and they are awesome. I love perusing these fashion blogs...getting inspired yet also feeling like I need to take a little more time and put a little more thought into my outfits each day. If only I could get up when my first alarm goes off...I'd have the time to actually think about my outfits a little bit more. I try to at least look well put together, but the images on these fashion blogs show true creativity and innovation in fashion, things I admire and strive toward. I think Soe should be pictured on some of these blogs as she is a first hand inspiration to creativity in fashion, although I'm not sure she knows that! 

Viva la Blog-a-Palooza!

Remembering

My grandmother passed away this last weekend.We found out Friday that she was being moved to Hospice on Saturday so my sisters and I decided to go down, say our goodbyes and be with there to support my dad and grandpa. She ended up passing away early Saturday morning before we arrived, and before she was transported. In many ways this was best. I was so glad we had decided to go down...being there for my dad was huge, and I know meant the world to him and my grandfather. It was so hard though. I remember how hard it was when my mom's mother died, seeing my mom broken down. There's something, however, about a father and grandfather breaking down that hits a different nerve. My dad. The figure of strength. Seeing him cry broke my heart. Seeing my grandfather also crushed me. 

A loved one passing brings up so many thoughts. Thoughts about things I would have liked her to experience in my life, things I wish I had said or said more often. I have to stop and remind myself to not dwell on the unsaids and undones, but to remember the good things, the fun times, the things we DID say and do. My grandma got to experience so many great things in my life and we had so many great times together, that is what is important. 

Some great things about my grandma, great times we shared:

- Staying with them while my parents moved...playing with their laundry chute and sweet basement bar

- Her jokes, humor and sass

- Her honesty and openness

- A modern woman, despite growing up in a time of female oppression

- The way purple looked on her

- The great legs that she passed down to me...and her genetics in general 

- The way she loved me, everything about me

- Her teaching us how to play cards

There are so many others, little things that remind me of here her and there. I will take those with me, not the thoughts of coulda, shoulda, woulda. I think I may, one day, utilize her maiden name as a middle name for one of my children.

All my love, rest in peace Grammie Doris.

Movies

So, I saw 2 movies yesterday...yes, 2 in one day. One in the AM when I was feeling especially lazy, one at night w/Miss Beers when we felt like we needed to get out of our houses.

Movie #1: Vicky Cristina Barcelona. My score - 4.5 stars. I loved it. A bunch of people had told me about it and how much they liked it but I have no idea what the basis of the plot was so I went into it only knowing people had liked it.

Movie #2: He's Just Not That Into You. My score - 2.5. It was a fine Sunday evening, mindless flick and was of value for that but I found some of it to be so outrageous...and maybe part of it was coming off of watching a really good movie.

Movie #1 was one of those films that was not just well done, well cast, well scripted, well executed and with a good plot. It also left me with some personal reflections. I won't ruin the movie in case you haven't seen it but one of the things that stuck out so much was the passion from the main male character. Passion in all senses. And a "no holds barred" attitude toward life. He loved openly and outwardly, unafraid and uninhibited. He gave to his art, he was interested in the world, he was just plain passionate. It was inspiring really. Especially when contrasted with Movie #2. Movie #2 made it seem like all single people are miserable and would choose to be otherwise if they could, which I find rather ridiculous. And the desperation of some of the female characters was, quite honestly, annoying. Again, contrasting it with Movie #1 where the characters loved so openly and without reservation and then Movie #2 was your typical American love...game playing, rules, proper "steps" taken.

Why is it that we have been trained to be so systematic about love and relationships? Why can't we just throw our passion out there...not recklessly, not pointlessly, but when we feel something, express it openly and fully? I guess we can, I can, but it's the reactions that will be interesting as we are all so pre-programmed.

Go rent Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Ladies, enjoy the leading man. Men, enjoy Penelope Cruz. Not a bad looking cast.

A Funk

I don't know if it's the weird in-between-seasons weather or the fact I am not in a class so actually have some free time or if it's something else but I feel like I'm in a funk...no, I know I am. Things don't feel as smooth currently. My insomnia is back in full force which totally sucks. I have taken Ambien 3 nights in a row and even that barely worked. Arg. I wish I could convey how frustrating real insomnia is. Some people can't fall asleep sometimes or can't go to bed early but it's nothing like having lived with off and on insomnia for the better part of 10 years. I have tried everything...routine, yoga, meditation, natural sleep aids, Tylenol PM. Nothing works and a prescription from a Doctor is the only partial help I have found yet. Last night I fell asleep on the couch so I woke up and moved to the bed, but I could already tell an Ambien was in order. I think that's the worst part about it is when I KNOW it's going to be a full-on insomniac night...that thought alone stresses me out which surely doesn't help bring on sleep.

It also doesn't help that I've had a lot on my mind the past few days. Encounters, check lists, events, confusion. It bogs me down. I can't concentrate. I can't sleep. I can't plan. I can't organize. It's making me a little batty. Today I just wanted to stay in bed all day, hide from the world. The snow was softly falling onto what had been a totally snow free ground. I could almost hear the silence of it through the windows. I really wanted to just curl up and hide.

Thankfully the girls are coming over tonight...usually they can get me out of a funk, at least for a few hours. It's always when things seem to be s great, then a funk sneaks up on you and snatches your glow right out from under you.

Je Ne Sais Quoi

Soe has this book that I've been eyeing for a long time - Entre Nous; A Woman's Guide to Finding Her Inner French Girl. I finally broke down and bought my own copy and I'm so glad I did. I have been reading it just before bed each night, and then while I'm eating breakfast in the morning. The funny thing about this book is it makes me think that perhaps I was French in a past life...so much of it is me already. I love it though...such great messages about cultivating your own time and own self, saying No, being discrete and not wearing your heart on your sleeve, bringing intellect and inspiration to conversations versus just gossip and 1-dimensional input, reading, enjoying wine, baking your own bread, exploring and doing, always being put together and presentable, on and on. I mean, they must be on to something because it is so true...French women do have that je ne sais quoi and it's so seductive in all meanings of the word. 

I was raised in a very European and French way. Things like never leaving the house looking unkempt or not put together (tshirts and sweats were NEVER ok outside of the comfort of our own home...even then, they are rare to be seen at the Zaner household). Eating dinner together as a family. Not being given a zillion toys as a kid, but being given a few and then encouraged to fill the time with our imaginations. Also keeping our child lives in our rooms, not cluttering the entire house with toys and stuff. Exercising strength and discretion. Utilizing time with friends and family to discuss a wide variety of topics, discuss art and music, politics and literature, life and love. Being taught early on to cultivate our own lives and do things to enrich our personal lives and not conforming to social norms. Cooking. Reading. Art. Music. I'm not sure where my parents learned that way of raising us seeing as only my Dad had been outside of the United States, and not for very long, but they truly did raise us in a very European/French way. We continue to live that way, and I know that's where I get it. When I am home, we all gather in the kitchen and cook and drink wine, talk about all sorts of things. We dress up for dinner most of the time, we never leave the house in the clothing we did gardening in, we spend time alone even when in the presence of each other. I realize that it won't be that hard for me to choose a style to raise a family, as I like the way I was raised. Granted, I may do the European/French style of raising but actually IN Europe. But let's not get too ahead of ourselves here :-).

Joie de Vivre.

Hibernation

Winter. Hibernation. Some animals know what's up. I have been going non-stop for the past 3 weeks, not a minute of downtime, literally. It's been exhilarating but also exhausting. This past weekend I was home with no major plans and it was just what I needed. I did dinner and movie w/the old roomie Friday night (Shopaholic...made me want to go shopping), then to bed before midnight. Saturday met some friends for coffee, shopping with Jill (bad girl Lauren, bad bad girl), the purchase of a new amazing staple accessory...a classic, designer piece that every fashionable woman should own. Some other small items. Hot shoes on major sale...something I wouldn't normally get but have always wanted to try out Lunch w/Caroline and her sister, bro-in-law and niece. Great people. Some Nintendo, old school style. I'm the WORST at duck hunter...I mean, terrible. Started on some initial stages of cleaning my horrendously disorganized apartment. Then to Becksters for some delicious whole-wheat crust veggie pizza from Leonardos, salad and wine and then the movie "The Changeling"...SOO good. Seriously, go rent it. Intense. 

Sunday was one of those days that felt perfect to me in the lamest way. Woke at a reasonable hour to crack my door just enough to retrieve my Sunday NYTimes. The whoosh of the espresso machine, steaming the milk, brewing the espresso. Warm toast. Some fresh snow. The morning was spent reading the paper, then starting on reading the bookclub book for this Wednesday - Beautiful Boy. A rough Skype conversation that left me in tears. Then the cleaning began. First unpacking of the NYC bag...a week later. Then hanging up the new clothes and plucking a few old pieces that need to be donated. Laundry. Trash. Vacuuming and mopping. Bathroom scrubbing. Dishes. Then the daunting task of the mile high pile of mail, catalogs, bills from the past month. A quick trip to Homeport for a letter organizer. Michaels for cork board. City Market for dinner supplies. Back home to yet more organization. I put cork board on the inside of my closet door to tack up inspiring images, outfits, colors, etc. I love it already. You know when you see a great outfit in a magazine but then quickly forget it? Not anymore...snip snip snip and on the board it goes. I'm feeling clothing inspired. Then more reading. I'm addicted to the book, which is funny because it's about addiction. Ignoring of phone calls. Ignoring of invites to hang out. Skipping the gym. Cooking a big lasagna for the week, cutting up fresh fruit for breakfast. Sex and the City while eating the delicious veggie lasagna. More reading, and stiill more reading in bed then drifting into slumber with some bizarre dreams I can no longer remember. Waking up today to a beautiful, clean, fresh smelling, organized apartment. Heaven.

There's something about a day where I don't converse with anyone. Where I don't interact with anyone. Where I do things I need to do. I hibernate in the comfort of my warm apartment, listening to soft jazz or classical or French music, smelling the fresh candle or food baking in the oven, watching snow fall. It was rejuvenating after a long 3 weeks of chaos. And to wake up to all that I had done yesterday was a great way to start the week. Happy Monday!

Revival

New York, New York. I have begun to realize that every time I go to the city, I love it even more. I go there looking for a little excitement, a battery recharge, an energy boost and I always leave satisfied while longing for more of it! I've spent my whole life testing many things out, going many places, challenging myself, seeing what's around different corners. Despite loving my small, beautiful, Vermont town, sometimes I feel like I've run out of corners to look around, rocks to turn over. I need stimulation, adventure, excitement. I shun complacency yet when there isn't always some form of new stimulation, it can happen to the best of us. 

New York always provides me with so much. I love culture...art, music, history, theater. Every time I go there I go to at least one gallery or museum and it is always so amazing. Even if I don't love the art or exhibit, just being exposed to it is so great. Then there is the the general buzz of the city. Putting my iPod on, strolling through the busy sidewalks, wandering the Union Square farmers market, waiting patiently on a subway platform. 

You know when a subway train comes rolling into the stop and you feel that big rush of air hit you, that rolling energy from down the tunnel? That's how I feel when I step onto the streets of New York for a long weekend...a rush of energy, power. 

This particular trip included some added highlights. I got to see some great friends while down there, people who I always have such great conversations with, such great connections with, so much fun with. Then we went to visit my sisters good friend from home, Ben...an evening at a very exclusive, members only club in the MeatPacking District (the Soho House). We got into the elevator, rode to the 5th floor, and upon hearing the ding of the doors opening, we walked into a room of amazement...the most beautiful male specimens I think we'd ever seen in one space at one time. We exclaimed..."we found them!!" No wonder it was a gay party. Perfect though...such nice men, and the visual portion of it, outstanding. 

Sunday included some delicious Dim Sum followed by a failed attempt at ice skating in Central Park. One day I WILL get to ice skate in Central Park!!! Some shopping and beers with Dom and then off to yet another form of heaven. Ben's boyfriend got us into a NY Fashion Week fashion show!!! If you know me well, you know that this is like my personal mecca, my personal heaven. It wasn't a main Bryant Park event but it was still incredible. The designer, Carlos Campos, had some really interesting pieces..my particular favorite was a woman's one piece "suit" where the bottom portion ended in a bathing suit fashion (i.e. no pants, underwear type bottom) and then the sheer tights w/thigh high designs on them. So great. We had 2nd row seats just behind Tyson Beckford. I felt like I'd died and gone to fashion heaven...I couldn't believe I'd gotten to a show! I think I need to work in fashion...something about it makes me tingle all over.

On that note. Another favorite about New York is the ability to wear whatever you want!

It's amazing. I brought a few of those outfits that I gaze at in my closet and think, Burlington isn't exactly the appropriate location for this...when will I get to wear it!?? NYC, anything goes. I wore the dress to the right  to the gay Valentines Day party and it was a show-stopper...and you know it's a winner when gay men praise it!!  Then there was the fashion show...talk about no-pressure to wear something great. I pulled on my trusty black skin tight turtleneck dress, black sheer tights, over the knee black socks and my fave boots...topped off with my favorite mass of necklaces. So much fun to rock fun, slightly over the top outfits!! My mom was actually the one who pushed me to get the pink and black Herve Leger-esque dress...talk about good taste! 

Oh New York, I love thee so. Until next time...

Under the Sea...or Pool more accurately

So, I have been, still, crazy busy. Work is starting to even out a little bit but I have been working towards my Scuba certification which has been consuming my free time. The first week of class was last week and we met twice from 5:30-9:30pm...after a full day of work. Two hours in a classroom, two hours in the pool each class. In an attempt to finish the program sooner, the instructors have added a class this week and next so we finish a week early...which means that this week and next I spend 3 nights in a row in class..two hours in class, over two hours in a pool. It is intense...and exhausting. Leaving the house at 8:30am and getting home at 10pm is taking it's toll. BUT, it's awesome...I'm so excited to be getting certified. 

Currently we look like this: 

No, this isn't my actual class. But we spend a lot of time on the bottom of the YMCA pool (which FYI is nasty...so nasty. I'm so glad I have something in my mouth and my nose covered to keep the water out of my system). Last night was our first night using the tanks and regulators...so great. There is nothing like the feeling of floating, neutrally buoyant, underwater and being able to breath regularly. Some people have been having a hard time with it, find it really unnatural and uncomfortable. I'm not sure if it's because I've dove before, but I really love it. Now if only our instructor was a little more light-hearted...he's so serious and kind of stern. Everyone in my class is cool and fun and we like to joke around but our instructor, not so much. All business. And when you end a long work day by spending 4 hours with him, it can be tough. I'm just glad the other "students" are cool. 

There is a father and his 8th grade daughter, a high school boy, a guy around my age, a girl my age who is a UVM field hockey assistant coach and then this really fun, cool couple in their mid-30's. They are hilarious. It's really fun meeting and getting to know these people. Granted, two of them know people I know but still, new people that I would normally never meet but that are really fun and neat people. I hope to keep in touch with them after this is over.

Back in the pool tonight for more work with the regulators. The craziest thing I think we've learned to do is to fill our masks with water and clear it while remaining underwater, as well as taking our masks completely off, replacing them and clearing them underwater. I was pretty worried about this skill but it isn't bad...and pretty bad-ass to be able to do it! Other than that, have had some issues with getting my weight balance correct - first I was like a lead stick, last night I was too light. There really is a lot of science behind Scuba...which makes me love it even more. 

The best part about all of this is that once I finish this class and go do my open water dives in Mexico with my sis and get my actual certification, I am certified for life and can dive anywhere in the world. How awesome is that?? I will get to explore the beautiful and amazing underwater miracles anytime, anywhere. Viva La Scuba!!!

36 Hours

I used to always say that I like to have 36 hours of things to do in a 24 hour day. Basically, I don't like being bored, because when I am bored, I do absolutely nothing of value. I get sucked into the black hole and hang out there. Whereas when I'm busy, I tend to thrive, go mach-10 and cruise through it. It is nice to sometimes have those down times, totally open days, weekends, even a week of it just to recharge, finish that book, etc.

Right now I'm definitely NOT in one of those boredom black holes. I am full-speed-ahead, 36 hours of things to do in my 24 hour days. Some of it is voluntary, overbooking my social calendar, taking on volunteer opportunities, signing up for a 2nd bookclub, getting ready to start PADI certification which will be twice a week from 5:30-9:30pm for a month. Then there's work. Two clients. One project launching on Monday. They've got me by the proverbial balls, challenging my tolerance and resilience every single day. I think back to past accounts that were tough and stressful and they are like the JV version of what I'm dealing with now. This may sound like a negative rant, but the truth of it is, I'm learning more now than ever...despite my blood pressure being higher the past 4 months than it's ever been, despite the insomnia returning b/c I can't shut off the work to-do lists, despite somedays feeling powerless, it's also exhilerating. I'm growing so much as a professional, who can complain about that?!?

The rest of it, the voluntary crazyness...some days I think, I should say no to this or that, I should skip the gym, I should ignore the stacks of personal emails. But then I think, these are the benefits of a long day...relaxing with friends over good food and wine, pounding the pavement (or treadmill or indoor track) to release the stresses of the day, diving into the pool to freestyle my way to relaxation, getting ready to start a course and get certified to scuba dive anywhere in the world, volunteering with a local NPO for a big event this spring. It's all rewarding in their own ways, all fulfilling after a long day. It can seem tedious sometimes, thinking about how I really just want to go sit on my couch and do nothing...but then I remind myself, there's a whole lot of time for nothing when we're 6 feet under.

Just think...when you are having a long, hard day or a schedule that seems more full than humanely possible...if you weren't busy during the day you'd be jobless, if you weren't overbooked you'd be friendless, hobbyless, interest-less. Amen to being none of that.

Triggers

Memory is such an awesome thing. I love when something triggers a very distinct memory...a smell, a song, a sight. Right now I'm listening to internet radio and the song "If I Had Eyes" by Jack Johnson just came on and I immediately was transported to "The Beach", a bungalow "resort" on Ko Phi Phi in Thailand. My sister and I discovered it a day or two into being on the island and they played JJ on repeat, which we loved (the music at some of the other daytime oceanfront watering holes, not good). I can picture us sitting on stools at the outdoor tiki bar, sipping what started out as a horrible mojito, but turned into a good one after we worked our cocktail magic. I can picture another afternoon there, Mai Tai in hand, lounging on the sun chaise, watching the longtails come in and out, gazing at Phi Phi Ley, watching the sun change the colors of the crystal waters.

I love that. Memory triggers. Smells and songs get me the most. If I smell honeysuckle, I'm immediately walking on campus at University of Florida. When I smell the original, fruit punch flavor of Minute Maid frozen juice mix, I'm transported to the driveway of our house in Hawaii. The song "What's Luv" by Fat Joe takes me back to this big party we held after campaiging for weeks for my friend who was running for student body president. The details of that songs involvement cannot be divulged, but it was a fun enough night to make me smile when I hear that night. Snow falling reminds me of certain words said, and of a night of coffee and the threat of a giant snowball.

I hope these triggers never go away. I hope one day, when I'm 95, that Jack Johnson song comes on and I'm once again transported back to Thailand.

Out with the old, in with the new...year that is!

Holy crap I've been horrible at blogging lately. Slacker city. But it's a new year, 2009, so I figure it's high time to get back into it, keep things up to date more regularly. A resolution? Hmm, not sure, but perhaps!

I think it's always important, going in to a new year, to reflect on the past year...think about triumphs, challenges, learnings, experiences and prepare for a clean slate, a new year. Some reflections of 2008 for me are:

- My job was crazy...ups and downs, trials and tribulations that then culminated in big steps forward, major growth and learnings and visions of the future

- Two of my closest friends had babies...an unbelievable and amazing event. Getting to watch them grow and change and become little human beings has been one of the most memorable things. Not to mention the increased level of respect for my friends and becoming parents.

- Many many engagements, a handful of weddings. And the very exciting engagement of my Burlington bestie, and getting the wonderful honor of being asked to be Maid of Honor! And the most recent engagment of my oldest sister!

- A change of living location - I packed up from the apartment I had so many important memories in, and moved to a new beautiful abode, clean and free, ready for new memories.

- The end of a relationship. The lessons, the challenges, the emotions, the growth, the self discovery, the impact it will have on future relationships. 

- My mom's cancer seems to be gone!!

- New athletic pursuits.

- Some amazing travels to Istanbul w/my parents and oldest sis, Alli, and then an incredible trip to Thailand with Alli. 

- Figuring out a lot about myself through work, travel, friendship, love, activities and athletics, many hours on the road, independence.

I always become overly curious when a new year hits...what will it have in store? What important things will happen? Where will I go, who will I see, what will I do? Will I have "headline news" in my life? And I guess the best thing, the only thing we can do, is go into it with gusto...slough off the bad from the previous year, bank the lessons, bring the smiles and begin the year positive, ready for anything, ready to make amazing memories, ready to have a year of promise and goodness. Happy New Year!