Most people are on the world, not in it

John Muir said it well..."Most people are on the world, not in it-have no conscious sympathy or relationship to anything about them--undiffused, separate, and rigidly alone like marbles of polished stone, touching but separate."

I once read that fear was recognizing that there is something worth losing. But as John Muir said above, it's as if many people avoid the direct connection, the complete immersion into the world, into life. It's easier to live on the periphery, to avoid pain and loss, to avoid conflict, than to dive in head first, to embrace what lies ahead, good or bad, and allow yourself to take it all in.

I'm a classic jump-ship kind of person. When the going gets tough, I get going. But sometimes things change. Sometimes people change. Sometimes there is enough fear there, enough of something worth losing that a person steps off the world and into it. But not everyone is willing to take that risk, to take that leap of faith and let life happen to them. We can't control anything but how we approach life...from the sidelines or in the thick of the game leaving fear of pain and loss aside and enjoying what's right in front of us for as long as we are graced with it's presence.

Uncertainty

"The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next"

If that is the case, then life is at it's utmost possible state for me right now. I'm in the most uncertain place I've been in a long time, a holding pattern, a waiting room w/no clocks, a courtroom waiting for the verdict. I have great patience in many things in life, but surprises and uncertainty, I have zero. The only way I like surprises is if I have absolutely NO inkling of it, not an ounce. If I even sense it, I go crazy. When someone says to me, "I got you the BEST birthday present", I just assume you give it to me immediately b/c I'm going to pester you until you tell me what it is. I ruin things in that way. But I can't help it. I'm an answer seeker, info seeker. Being in the dark is like a personal hell for me.

The next few hours will be long. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, so that's good, but wading through the dark is going to be borderline excruciating.

Aurora Borealis

I'm sure that everyone has a list of things that they must do or see before they die. For me, it shifts and changes over the years as I grow and change. The one unchanging item on that list though, is seeing the Aurora Borealis...the Northern Lights. I have caught a glimpse of them once, on a chilly night out in Stowe. They were faint and looked almost like the equalizer on an old stereo, but they were there. However, I don't qualify that as seeing it in the form I want to truly see it in to be satisfied. I want to see them from the great northern...the arctic or Alaska. I want to see the myriad of colors, the pulsing waves, the dancing lights. I want to see the sky overtaken with them. I want to be engulfed, entranced. There are days that I think about it for hours.


I don't know what it is that draws me so strongly to them, but it evokes such strong emotions in me, I have no idea what I would do, will do, once face to face with this magical earthly event. I don't know if I'd be able to stand on my own two feet.

One day I will see them from far up north. Hopefully sooner than later.

When it is dark enough, you can see the stars

I started our new bookclub book this past weekend, Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin. So far, it is a really good book and I find it hard to put down which is rare for me. I have to remind myself that our bookclub meeting will not be for another 3 weeks, possibly 4, and I don't want to finish it too soon and forget key parts.

Each chapter begins with a quote or saying. Chapter one began with what I have as the title to this blog - "When it is dark enough, you can see the stars". At first, I just liked the way that sounded and it's direct meaning. The past few nights I have been walking places at night and on multiple occasions I could feel a very strong light shining down. At first I would assume it to be a street lamp, but upon glancing up, I realized it was a big, bright white moon shining down. On nights that are so bitter cold you can barely feel your face after walking just one block, the sky seems to be 10 times more clear, the stars 10 times more visible, the moon 10 times more powerful. I love nights like this. I get lost in the moon, entranced by it. The glow it creates behind the few wispy clouds feels so magical.

I began to think more about that quote in terms of my life in general and realized it has a very direct relation to things going on in my life at present. Sometimes things become most clear when everything is turned off, all distractions put aside, everything removed from the situation for at least a bit. Sometimes clarity comes from stepping completely out of, and far away from the box. Sometimes it seems dark at first, scary, unpredictable. But then your eyes begin to adjust to the "dark" and slowly, the "stars" appear. We become so used to seeing things by the light of day, and sometimes are so scared of the dark and the loneliness that can sometimes accompany it, that we avoid the dark with all of our might. I think the dark can let all of our other sense perk up and absorb things we were oblivious to in the light. And then the stars appear and we are no longer lost, no longer wandering blind.

Photog blog

A very exciting thing happened recently. An acquaintance of mine in town was supposed to display his photos at this cute bar/lounge in Winooski, but the timing was off and he wasn't ready to hang in time. Somehow I popped into his head as a good person to take over the walls. Luckily the walls in my house are adorned with various prints of mine, framed and ready to go so it was an easy decision for me. This will be my first real solo show. Although it is not a gallery, and although I've had a few prints up at a coffee shop, this feels like the first actual "show".


I must admit that I have been slacking on my photography lately. After finishing my darkroom class, things got crazy and I neglected the darkroom and my camera in general. Since I have never had a real show, or sold anything, I think I take it more lightly. But now having my own show, I realize what a passion it is of mine. I have begun to morph back into artist mode. I spent so much of my childhood and grade school years pursuing art, showing art, winning awards. My mom always encouraged me to consider art school if I felt that's the path I wanted to take.

It's so easy, as we get older, to neglect things we are good at because our time is consumed with our bill-paying jobs, house chores, self maintenance, etc. I am excited about my show and more excited about the resurgence of artistic energy I feel within. I have already begun thinking about future projects I want to do in hopes of acquiring another show, more shows, bigger and better shows. Here's hoping this show will open new doors for my photography.

Fake or real?

I had an interesting conversation with my dear friend Becky recently regarding fake eyelashes. Now, personally we both love them...well, the effect of them. But the discussion turned to the reality of falsies, what those who don't use them or who don't know you are wearing them, are unaware of.

I am a firm believer in lengthy eyelashes, luscious lashes, the kind that could fan a sweating man by simply batting them. I picture old movie stars giving that look to the male protagonist that stops him in his tracks. Generally that look involves batty eyelashes. I do believe though, in life and film, many people are unaware of this little prosthetic addition.

Ladies and gentlemen, these are not Kate Moss' real eyelashes:


Here is what we summarized, and what it really boils down to...are they worth it? Putting on false eyelashes is like intricate hand surgery..it should require extra special, separate training in the makeup and aesthetics department. Not to mention that application is occurring milimeters away from where you gain your sense of sight. Not only does it take a painstakingly steady hand, but rarely do you get it right on the first try which generally means a few twinges of pain as your involuntarily rip off skin cells and/or an eyelash or two. Once you get them on, think you are in the clear? Au contraire. For the next hour or so, you will be so acutely aware of your own eyelids it may drive you into mild insanity. On top of that, something about false eyelashes causes severe dryness of the eye. So, yes...all in all, they are quite a hassle and not comfortable whatsoever. But the look? Can't be beat.

I once heard someone say, "you've got to suffer to be beautiful, hell, I've been suffering my whole life." Take from it as you will.

Black and white, shades of gray.

I have a mind that thinks in shades of gray, in sharp contrasts of black and white, in shadows and highlights, in texture and pattern. Sometimes I have to remind myself that not everyone thinks that way. The dichotomy of this with men and women is even more pronounced. Women have often gotten caught in the web of implying things only to have their point not understood because the point was artfully placed amidst carefully constructed words and phrases. It can be like this in the office and in the home. Sometimes we muddy our point by adding one extra word or phrase that adjusts the focus away from where originally intended. I had such an instance this evening that made me truly laugh. It was something that was meant to be provocative and ended up reverting to a minor detail becoming the theme of the conversation, the whole initial "big bang" passed by unnoticed. I got to laughing so much about it I had to call my sister and brother-in-law and they had an equally good laugh. Had I thrown the readers mind off course by included what I had thought was a fun quip? Or is it really just that where I think in multi-dimensions and absorb all details while still maintaining sight of the broader vision, others (men specifically) fixate on something small and insignificant and therefore lose sight of the original goal?

The walls came crumbling down

It's snowing outside...really snowing, and that makes me very happy. Although I've been enjoying the warm temps we've been having, I have been hating the brown, ugly, bare ground. I love the look of snow. I love it when it falls. I love the sound when it snows, and by sound I mean lack thereof. Sometimes it makes me want to find a quiet park bench and just sit, letting the snow nestle onto my coat and hair, listen to the air moving through the world. It makes me feel at peace. I'd like to be sitting in a big chair in front of a huge window looking out into a valley, a fire at my back, a book and tea in hand, watching the snow fall.

I am a control freak, it's part of who I am, it's part of why I'm good at my job. Leaving things to chance sometimes stresses me out. This weekend was further proof of my control tendencies. I don't think of myself as a controlling person, but I just like to know what's going on and be able to work with it. Some things have been weighing on my mind, things out of my control, and I've been trying to cope with them, calm myself, realign myself. Then yesterday more things came crashing down on me and I snapped. I realized that I had been holding back so much emotion, trying so hard to be strong and not let these things affect me outwardly. But then it became too much and the walls came crumbling down. I let it go, I let the emotions flow and it felt great really. I realized that amidst things that would be hard for anyone to deal with, I was putting up the strong-woman-hear-me-roar front and not letting them really hit me. I was trying to be stronger then them, better then them, controlling at least my emotions since I couldn't control the issues. There is only so much a person can take before we have to let things hit us, before we have to let the wall come down, let the emotions flow, let us actually deal with things. That moment came yesterday and I must admit, my mind feels lighter now, I feel more centered, I feel better suited to deal with these upcoming challenges. Emotions are there for a reason...being strong isn't always the best option.

January showers bring February flowers?

Ick. It's a disgusting day outside...rain. It's raining in January. Not even 2 weeks ago it was 0 degrees at 9am and we had so much snow, you could barely keep up with the shoveling. Now it's 35 and raining and brown.

Looking out my office windows I see a train, slowly creeping down the tracks. Chugga. Chugga. Chugga. Chugga. The interminable pace feels like a vision of the next two months. The train hasn't stopped, it's not stagnant, but the motion is slow...painfully so. Watching that train creep by, I wanted to go out there, put my hands on the caboose and push as hard as I could if only to move it a few seconds faster down the tracks. Sometimes though, we have to accept that things are out of our control...the train will make it to the station at the same rate no matter how hard you will it to move faster. But the key message is that the train WILL make it to the station eventually. At least passengers within get to not only see the entire scenery surrounding them, but they really get to absorb every detail in. Maybe the key is, as a passenger, to study every color, every texture, every movement, every smell. Perhaps a slow moving train, although at first is as frustrating as being stuck in gridlock LA traffic, can turn into an adventure of the senses.

When I was in Egypt, we were supposed to spend 3 days and 2 nights sailing up the Nile, making our way to Luxor. Due to heavy sand storms, we weren't able to sail much. We ended up spending the first night docked at this little Nubian Island on the Nile. At first, we sat on the boat playing cards and growing listless, frustrated that we weren't enjoying a beautiful sail up the Nile. Then my newly formed friend, Roberta, and I decided to get off the boat and explore. We ended up having the most amazing experiences - playing soccer with local kids, talking about farming and local businesses with a local man, smoking the sheesha (hookah) with some weathered elders, watching goats eat everything in sight. It ended up being one of the best parts of the trip. Something that began as a frustrating pause, a stall, a stagnation, ended up being full of life, color, experience, emotion.

The proverbial "tree in the forest"

"On cold days a man can see his breath, on a hot day he can't. On both occasions, the man breathes." - White Teeth, Zadie Smith

This quote struck me as particularly intriguing. In the context of the book, they are referring to Allah, Jesus, Buddha, a higher being. However, I find it particulary interesting when placed next to the proverbial "tree in the forest". If a tree falls in a lonely forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Is sound only a sound if someone hears it? Apart from the books original higher-being reference, it is an intriguing thought. Do our actions always have an effect, regardless of whether they immediately touch, or are seen, perceived by anyone else? In cases of unseen acts, does it circle back around to karma?

In the sense of the books meaning, it is basically stating that regardless of whether you are witnessed directly, your actions are observerd by a higher being and will come upon you at judgement day. Can we apply this thought separate from the reference to God or other higher beings? Will all of our actions act as a drop in the ocean, eventually creating a wave, eventually creating a tidal wave, eventually creating a tsunami? Do we assume that things we do (obviously aside from mundane, daily tasks) can go unnoticed? Are we but a drop in the ocean? And if we are, wouldn't the ocean be less without that drop?

Although we can't see our breath on a hot day, it is still there keeping us alive. Perhaps things that are not tangible, not physically visible, still have an enormous affect on the world, a lasting consequence - good or bad, maintain the flow of life. Perhaps we are not just a tiny drop in the ocean but a piece of a greater web, a web that keeps things in balance, in check. When a tree falls in a forest, regardless of whether it makes a sound (perception) or the sound is heard, it has a greater affect on the landscape, the wildlife, everything from the insects to the air we breath. Maybe it isn't the breath, or the falling of the tree but the ripple that that produces...

Trials and Tribulations

I suppose life can't always be smooth sailing, clear skies, calm waters. Sometimes a squall comes in, waters become choppy, the sun is masked by thick, ominous clouds. It is easy in times like that to seek cover under deck, to hold on and hope it passes. It's scary to climb on deck, grab hold of the wheel and steer the vessel toward the light, toward safety. Sometimes you don't have a choice.

Last week and this past weekend I was faced with a few storms. The first was work related and I had no choice but to grab the helm and fight the wind and rain, not give up as the cold rain sliced my eye like a knife, not falter as the waves slapped the side of the vessel. I wanted to leap off the side of the boat and let the waters do with me as they pleased. I felt helpless at times, frustrated constantly. I felt like giving up, throwing in the towel, cursing the heavens. I didn't. Now I am left to sit and wait and hope that my work improves things, that the answers are good ones. If only people, clients, knew exactly what went on behind this wood structure I sit at day in and day out.

The other storm the came roaring in full force was of personal nature. A test I suppose. I'm wondering if I have been involuntarily entered into the World's Strongest Woman contest, because that is what it feels like. I felt frustrated by the nature of things, by responsibilities, by priorities. I felt I was driving down a one way street with no place to change directions. And when I did hit a 4-way stop, I almost made a turn down a very tough road...A road that would be moving away from the present, figuring out a new path. I felt so confused I had to go sit in City Hall park on a freezing cold bench, in the dark, alone and think...think hard. I had to evaluate exactly how strong I am, how patient I am, how tolerant I am. I still am evaluating this and I'm afraid I will continue to do so for the next two months. I almost took the turn down the rough road, the road that would require a tough choice. But then I was reminded of why I I like the road I'm on, I like the way it makes me feel as I let the wind blow through my hair when the windows are down. I'm not ready to let weakness take that from me, not just yet, and hopefully not ever.

2007...2008

The holidays are such a great time but also become hectic and time consuming, hence my lack of posting lately. Happy New Year. Haola Maka Heeki Hou (Happy New Year in Hawaiian...spelling questionable).

I spent a week in FL for Christmas and spent a good majority of it in my pajamas doing crossword puzzles, reading, drinking coffee and conversing with my family. We took the week to just relax...I didn't even meet up with old friends. It was quite nice to be honest...to just escape and mentally relax. I got a few minutes of sun although it was overcast a good portion of the trip and according to my mother there hadn't been a cloud in the sky for weeks...go figure.

My horse Krunchy

A highlight of the FL adventure was our trip to Busch Gardens for a day of roller coasters and bad food. My parents are such kids...they love rollers coasters! The only one they didn't get on was the newest one with a 200 foot, 90 degree vertical drop...yes, your face is parallel to the ground for a good 2-3 seconds...it was intense. A fun day was had.

After our upside down ship ride.

The day after returning from FL, Walter and I took a trip up to Montreal for the night to enjoy a little city fun. We walked around for a while, had some food and drink and narrowly escaped falling on the ice multiple times on the walk back to the apartment. We sadly missed out on the museums the next day as they were closed for the holiday.

A nice NYE was had at Becky and Ewen's with some close friends, good food and drink. Many people left before the stroke of midnight (are we really getting old this quickly??) but we stayed for the ball to drop.

Becky and I

Walter and I

2008 is here with a nice snowfall happening as I type this. Who knows what is in store for all of us but one can only hope it is full of fun, fortune, friends and family.