Time and space

I'm really bad at calling people back...it's one of my faults and I openly admit it. This especially applies to far away friends that I don't see often, which seems backwards. But I think it's knowing that we'll be on the phone for hours catching up, so I have to make sure I have ample time to devote to the conversation.

I was online today and noticed that one of my best friends from college was now listed as single. A few months ago he called to tell me the big news that he was engaged, so naturally you can imagine my shock of seeing "Single" in his profile. I immediately emailed him asking what was up and to give me details ASAP. His response just about broke my heart. A girl he thought he was going to marry and spend the rest of his life with made a 180 and a lot of stuff happened in a month period...stuff I shouldn't mention here...stuff one can only hope they never have to go through. It made me sad...sad that I was only now finding this out although it had happened in early summer. This is a person who I lived with for a year in college with my two other best guy friends...one of three guys and a very small handful of people that really know me like no one else. Someone who was there for me when I was sick or stressed or sad. Someone who knows my ticks and idiosyncacies, what makes me laugh, what makes me cry. Someone who's mother knows me and used to ask to say hi to me whenver she'd call the house. Someone who, together with our other two guy roommates, gave me probably the best Valentines Day I'll ever have. A guy who I went to during one of the most down and out periods of my life and sat on his floor and begged him to tell me what to do. Someone I consider my family. How had I let so much time go by between talking? Not that I feel we need to talk daily or even weekly, but the fact we've gotten far enough apart to not call when major things like this occur...it truly saddened me.

I suppose on the flip side of things, we talked as if no time had passed really, minus the major update. We can always do that. Now we are trying to plan a trip, to take off and explore a bit, something we had always talked about in college.

The other thing it made me realize was just how much we've all grown up...people I spent every waking hour w/in college who are now getting engaged, getting their hearts broken, moving, getting PhD's, considering families, owning homes. I suppose some days we wake up and realize it's a later then we thought...later in the day, week, year.

Back in the saddle.

Cody and I


A little known fact about me - I rode horses very competitively for 10 years while in FL...in fact, I still own a horse who lives in FL. It was basically my life for 10 years. I rode probably 4-5 days a week and competed all year long. My horse lived at my house for most of that time so when I wasn't on the back of a horse, I was cleaning stalls, polishing tack, bringing her in or putting her out in the field, and other various barn tasks. I trained probably over 20 horses and ponies, rode dozens, and showed probably over a dozen different horses throughout the years. After leaving home to go to college, the amount of time I spent in the saddle was fairly limited. I got accepted onto the University of Florida Equestrian Team but didn't have enough time for it. I rode whenever I went to see my parents and occasionally went home to show other peoples horses on the weekends.

A few weeks ago I got back in the saddle and onto the back of Indie, a friend of a friend's horse, followed by Christina's horse Cody. Since that day, I have been riding a few times a week and last weekend competed in my first horse show in over 5 years. It was exhilarating. Cody did great for his first show doing jumping.

Many people find horses scary, or at least intimidating. To me, it is like home. When I am around horses, and especially on their backs, it's an escape, a retreat. The world slips away, my problems dissolve and things become more clear. When I had a bad day in FL, I would go straight to the barn and onto my horse, even if just to walk around. It is just natural to me, and has been from the first moment I began riding. There are very few sports I'm any good at, but riding is something I'm great at and can openly say that.

Being back in the saddle on a regular basis has brought peace to my daily life. I can't explain it but there really is no place like the back of a horse for me. I had a crazy intense encounter last week that really stressed me out but once I got to the farm and onto Cody, it melted away. The minute I am sitting in the saddle, I am home.

Relevance..

I've always had pretty odd dreams. I used to have a recurring dream when I was young, for about 10 years. There was one main one that would happen pretty much once a week, and one other one that would happen every few months. Those stopped. My dreams are usually VERY out there...things that could never transpire outside of a sci-fi film or pure imagination. I don't often dream about people I know in real life. A lot of times I'm in the dream at a birds eye view. I've had prophetic dreams a few times. The worst kind of dreams for me are dreams inside of dreams...it's the scariest feeling to wake up to (if you don't know what this is, ask me about it sometime). I've had one lucid dream and I prefer to not do that again. I try to write down every dream I remember. The more you write down your dreams, the more you remember them. True statement.

I spent about 4 or 5 years with off and on insomnia. This got me really intrigued in not only dreams, but the meaning of tiny details. When you lay awake in your bed for 5 hours each night, you think about a lot of things, but I got particularly intrigued with my dreams and their relevance and/or correlation to my awake life.

Recently I started having a lot of dreams that were more realistic and involved a lot of people I know in real life (again, this is odd for me). The themes of them have been very different them my dreams in the past. The concepts have been more tangible then usual. It's been a really bizarre feeling for me. I've been trying to assess them but often have a hard time writing down things about them in the AM even though I can replay them in my mind. It's as if there truly are no words.

Just like you can feel the seasons change, like when you wake up one morning and there's just that certain smell in the air that tells you fall has arrived, I have the same sense with my life and changes...I can feel a shift in the air. There's been a shift. It usually takes a bit of time after I sense the shift before I know the event or change...but it always intrigues me in the meantime, wondering what it is or will be. Is it something right in front of me that I'm ignoring? Is it something coming down the pipes?

To clarify the beginning portion talking about dreams, a shift in my style of dreams and themes within is usually the first sign of a greater shift or change of something in my life...my dreams have a greater relevance in life, and not what actually happens in them, but more the feeling around them. So now I am left with the anticipation of whatever this upcoming shift is...