Universe

I remember growing up, my mum would always say, "everything happens for a reason". I remember getting so mad at her...she didn't know anything, how could she know what I was going through, how could she know if my life really was over or not? As I got older and began to reflect, I realized she was right. She never said everything that happens is good or happy or positive, but what she wanted known most was that it happened for a reason. Sometimes it would take a day to realize that reason, sometimes a week, sometimes 2 years...there was no way to know and the only way to find out was to keep on living.

Her words ring so loudly in my head, sometimes I swear she is in my living room, reading a book and yelling those words across my apartment when I'm in a moment of not understanding how the world works.

This past week has encompassed a lot of...well, just a lot of. The end of the past weekend involved a little bit of motion backwards, a little bit of a set-back which caused more confusion, more frustration. The end of this week, things started to come back together. The "reasons" started to show their faces. The past few weeks had been tough and taken a lot out of me and again I kept hearing my mothers words (and secretly cursing them as the reasons hadn't yet appeared). But some things happened this week which made other things make more sense...things that I may not have been willing to dive into had something else not happened. Thinking back 5 months, and more so, 2 or 3 months, I wouldn't have jumped at the opportunity, jumped at the challenge that was presented to me this week. And this opportunity, this challenge is something that I really feel will be something major...life wise, career wise, growth wise.

There is a strange kind of peace that has happened the past few days..maybe it's because I've been so busy I have barely slept, maybe because the puzzle is coming together, the lost pieces have surfaced. Would I be here, would I be where I am right now, had I not gone through things of late...

The universe doesn't hate us...if it hated us it wouldn't allow our hearts to be so brave.

Walking backwards to move forward

"I think people should realize there are other lanes, not just theirs for only them."

I have a new favorite musician...Matt Pond PA. His song, "Brooklyn Stars" is where the above quote comes from. His melodies and sounds are almost like a drug.

I had some interesting experiences this past weekend that had a more lingering effect than I would have expected. One thing that at the time seemed like something that would provide some clarity ended up setting me back a step or two mentally. Other happenstances brought up memories and questions. Someone once said progress and direction do not always run together. Sometimes you have to take 10 steps back to move one step forward. Those 10 steps back, watching the goal as it slowly moves out of sight, can seem so wrong, can hurt so much that you don't understand why you can't just sprint to the finish.

This past weekend, amidst some extremely fun outings and events w/my friends who were visiting, I experienced my first few steps backward. Some of them voluntary, others coincidental, others involuntary. Some seemed like a way to move a few steps forward only to actually cause the opposite. When you feel as though you have digressed, fallen behind, lost pace, maybe that is just a way to take you back to a place you had been before but maybe had missed something. Maybe it's a way to put you back at a crossroads, a blinking light and look at things in a different light. Why else would we have to take steps back to truly move forward? Surely life can't be that inefficient to just push you back for the hell of it.

"When it's over, why can't it be gone." - Matt Pond PA

Valentines Day...

Ah...February 14th. It is an interesting day to be honest. Some people use it as a day to make up for their poor behavior in a relationship. Some people use it to mask the major cracks in a relationship. Some use it to reconnect. Some use it as a good reason for some extra special lovin' with their special someone. Some use it as a day to be reminded of their single freedom, although on Valentines Day it can often feel less like independence and more like a dark cloud...a day where being alone is highlighted, hanging at every corner in neon lights, lingering in the empty mailbox.

Did you know that ancient Valentines Day rituals included sacrificing a goat and a dog? Shedding blood on the day of love. It seems a bit...I don't know, dark? Do you know an estimated one BILLION Valentines cards are sent each year? I am not sure I completely agree with excessive tree killing as a way to show someone you care...unless it is like what my office mate did (see below).

I loved elementary school days where everyone took a shoebox and spent hours making it beautiful and perfect, doilies, stickers, glitter, hearts galore, lace, you name it. Then everyone had to put a Valentine in everyones box. Of course you got extra special ones for your close friends. And then there was always the anticipation...will I get a special Valentine from my crush? Ah..the sweet bliss of innocent young love. Being 10 was great...love was free, love was without deep pain, love was a stolen kiss under the monkey bars.

I asked my office mate what he got his wife for Valentines Day. He wrote her a love letter. He nailed it on the head...what I consider would be the best Valentines Day present ever from the one you love.

I'm starring at the red velvet cupcake and the chocolate cupcake w/oreo hearts sitting next to me on my desk...starring and wondering if as they fill my stomach, will they fill the place that someone recently had...

Happy Valentines Day all. Don't forget to tell your family and friends you love them.

A "Floridian" in Vermont

Some days I have to just laugh at myself and the 22 years I spent in warm climates. Although I have lived in Vermont for 3 years, enduring 3 long winters, there are still things I am a complete novice at when it comes to Winter. The other day I was sitting on my living room floor near a window and felt strong currents of cold air. Yep...old house, old windows, no insulation. I'd had this thought for the past few weeks but finally decided to do something about it. Last night I purchased some of this Seran wrap looking stuff (you Vermonters know what I'm talking about) to seal up my windows in hopes of a) increasing the warmth available in my house and b) decreasing my bills. It all started out just fine and dandy, minus some reworking to make things fit. Then the fun part came, or so I thought. I began the "hair drying" portion as directed on the box. I must say, watching that stuff shrink up into a shiny, almost invisible shield, was quite enthralling. That is until, POOF, lights out. Half of my living room went dead.

After a few curse words, I promptly march to the fuse box and flip a few breakers hoping to fix the problem. Nope. Nothing. I begin testing out various plugs only to realize that the 4 sockets on the south side of my living room are totally dead. As if that general problem isn't bad enough, the main heater for the house happened to be plugged into one of them, cable into another. "You must be kidding" I thought to myself. I try to make my house warmer and now it's just getting more cold. Perfect.

Here's hoping the electrician gets back to me tonight, and can fix the problem ASAP. I have guests coming this weekend and a large orange extension cord running across my living room so that I have heat is NOT ideal for house guests. I never imagined a little Seran wrap, a hair dryer, and a lot of cold air could cause so much annoyance!

Shrinking Violet?

Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in something, whisked away by something, mesmerized by something. Sometimes it's a pair of all too expensive high heels. As you gaze longingly into the mirror, the lady next to you stops shopping to admire and praise the perfect match of human and shoe, you become entranced and the next thing you know, your credit card is debited an unspeakable amount. Sometimes it is the snow falling on the trees, dancing on it's way down, softening the sounds of life, dusting your eyelashes, you get lost in it. Other times it is a feeling, an emotion long lost. It takes you over, engulfs your system slowly and quietly. Suddenly you wake up and think, where have I been?

There are days, we all have them, where we just aren't "ourselves". Sometimes it's just a passing mood, sometimes it's caused by stress, sometimes by outside events, and sometimes it can come from getting lost, getting lost in that emotion that has quietly overtaken our souls. A once cartwheeling, outspoken girl becomes a more subdued, calculated person. They are but one in the same, yet the former version embodied the true soul of the person. How does this happen? How can we get so lost, become a shrinking violet in front of our own eyes, unable to recognize it until something has passed? It often isn't until doing a cartwheel again that that girl remembers what it feels like, hands on the pavement, feet flying overhead, and thinks...it's been far too long since I've done one of those.

Simple Pleasures

Sometimes I remind myself how essentially easy I am to please, how sometimes the smallest things give me the biggest smile. Current simple pleasures:
- Waking to new snow...white coated branches, bushes wearing a shawl of snow, fresh snow underfoot
- Snow falling...dancing through the air, eerily perfect silence as it falls
- My friends dog wagging his tail whenever they say my name to him
- A new puppy, full of fluffy new fur
- Having time to make a second latte before going to work
- Upcoming dinner parties
- The anticipation of an evening snowshoe
- 5 minutes of extra sleep
- A new recipe to try
- The smell of the almost expired narcissus flowers on my dining room table
- The little birds that nestle into the bare bushes beside my house...they chirp softly every morning as I walk by on the way to my car. I always say good morning
- A morning phone call from a friend and being a few minutes late to work because catching up was a perfect start to the morning
- The perfectly baked, soft, oatmeal chocolate chip cookie from Great Harvest
- Orchids. Always.
- A text or email with only the words "thinking about you"

Sometimes I forget that the small details are what really make up the big picture. In my job, this is what I deal with on a daily basis, making sure all the tiny minute details that no one sees are in place b/c without them the big picture would be incomplete. Life is similar. You can't build a chemical compound without first having atoms, you can't build a house without nails, bolts, caulking and other tiny items. They become the glue that holds the framework together.

Dreams

I have mentioned in previous posts my interest in dreams. I have been slacking on writing them down when I wake up...usually it's the first thing I do before even getting out of my bed. The more you write down your dreams, the more often you remember them. Today was the first day in months I wrote it down.

After writing it down and remembering key parts, key items, I proceeded to look up several of the key elements to get a light interpretation. There is one scene in particular from my dream that coupled with the supposed "meaning" of certain elements, it is pretty much a perfect representation of current events in my life. I woke from this dream curious...curious because it was so heavily laden with a specific theme, a common denominator throughout, something that has been on the forefront of my daily thoughts for the past week or so. And I rarely dream of things that are blatantly relevant to my life, my present state of mind. Usually it is very gray as to what is going on. Last night's was much more black and white, much more pertinent to where I am right now.

Maybe dreams are really just a garbage disposal of random meaningless items in our minds. Maybe they mean nothing other than to clean out the mind in order to start a new day. Maybe they are a release of pent up energies, pent up issues that we need to release somewhere. Maybe they really are a gateway to our subconscious, a telling of current events, symbolism for current situations and things to come. "Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives."