Two lives

This is my only pet peeve with Blogs is you don't update for a few weeks and you are so far behind you either have to post a long winded update or just skip over things and start at the current day. Hmm. I'll spare anyone who actually reads my blog the pain of reading about the past 2 months and jump to today.

I've been essentially living 2 separate lives the past 5 weeks. One, my normal life...work, friends, work travel, gym, cooking, etc. The other a world you can never prepare for, a world you aren't sure is real sometimes. A world that made me realize how important people in your life are...the ones you love. Friends, family, significant others. How overly important it is to spend time with these people and tell them how much you care for and love them, no matter how suffocating it may seem.

5 weeks ago I found myself walking into a room that I can honestly say embodied the worst day of my life, an experience I don't wish on my worst enemy. It put a lot into perspective. It also put me in a tailspin of having many days that I am not sure I can get through and some I do but end with a full on breakdown. It has been a test...physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Like I said, two different lives. Sometimes I go through the normal life and almost pretend the other isn't there...almost as a protector to insure my sanity, to insure I don't completely lose it. Then I remind myself how important the other life is in relation to my regular life...how it translates into what I was saying above about people.

I have learned about 1,000,000 things in the past 5 weeks but I think the most important one is to love the people in your life, love them fully and let them know it. Don't hold back, don't regret not saying things, not calling someone, not hugging someone, not spending time with someone. How lucky to be able to have people, friends, family you love. I am pretty sure that this experience has allowed me to more wholly love and care for people and that has truly been the thing getting me through many days.

Love the ones you are with.

The Rain in Spain

At least if it were the rain in Spain, I'd be in Spain. Ever since I returned from Chicago, it has been a non-stop deluge of rain, minus one sunny day over the weekend. I honestly don't know how it can rain this much short of living in a RAINforest. It is wearing on me, grating at my last nerve, causing me to lose motivation to be active or social or heck, even fun! I dig a good lightening and thunderstorm every once in a while...a good excuse to curl up on the couch with a good book all day. But every day, can't handle it. I'm a sun baby. I spent 19 of my 26 years in places that saw over 300 days of sun a year. And when it rained, it rained for an hour then the sun came back out to warm the ground and bring the smiles back to our faces.

The rain has been an added element to many big things going on in my head. It has sort of been the icing on a cake that is still in the oven, but almost ready to come out. This cake, it has been an intricate recipe, many ingrediants that needed to be handled in a very specific way so as not to upset the overall balance of the cake and flavors. I think I've gotten it right this time. When the cake is done and ready, I think it will be almost too pretty to eat, almost too good, but I have a feeling it might be the best cake yet. And if the recipe still isn't quite right, it will be very obvious...I won't be able to eat the cake just yet and will have to try again in the future.

We shall see....things to come.

Danger Zone

Ok. I'm going to go totally out of order in the next few posts. 

One of my favorite movies is "Top Gun". Sort of cliche, but I just love it, for many reasons. Granted, the shirtless volleyball scene puts it over the top, but there are other reasons. Anywho. I had a flash of that movie tonight as I was thinking of the words "Danger Zone" in my head. In the movie Tom Cruise finds himself in multiple "Danger Zones" and sometimes he could opt out, walk away, make another choice but he decides to stay on the path he's on...and it works out. Yes, it's a fictional work of Hollywood. But does pop culture always have to be so far off? I am in a Danger Zone of sorts. I realize I should change course, pick a different route, maybe even turn around completely. But something is telling me not to. Things keep falling into my lap that leave me almost no option but to continue into the Danger Zone. It could be bad. It could be unwise. It could be harmful. It could make things hard on me. But I can't choose another course, not just yet.

I have always said "The biggest regrets in life are the risks you didn't take" and I feel like only recently I started living by this motto. Yes. It often leads you into the lions den, into the Danger Zone, into unchartered territory. Often times it ends in upset, pain, confusion, distress. But I am trying to continue that vow to life without regret, to risk, to try. Maybe, just maybe, it will eventually lead to greatness, not pain or confusion. Sometimes you have to ignore the obvious, ignore things existing outside of the immediate and just pay attention to what's happening right in front of you, right to you, right now. Life is a series of circumstances. It's how we choose to perceive them, that I think truly affects their outcome. And again, I think when it comes to risk and regret, in the words of the Doors, "I do not regret the things I've done, but those I did not do".

I'm on a highway to the Danger Zone.

Blip in the Radar

Funny how right when things seem to be going so well, it's almost inevitable for a little blip in the radar to appear. I sometimes wonder if it happens to knock some reality back into you, remind you that there will always be roadblocks, difficulty, and not let you get to comfortable in grandeur of things. I am not sure what it is, but I feel totally out of my skin. I can't sit still, I feel like I could blow my lid at any minute, I want to punch a wall, curl up in my room, run until I can't feel my legs, disappear for a few days. There's a cumulation of things...our offices are moving Monday, I fly out for my big event in a week, work is crazy and unpredictable, people are inconsistent and confusing, my hamstring is acting up, my apartment needs to be cleaned, I miss my sisters and parents. Wow...talk about a "waaaaah" fest. My old office mate would say to me, "Someone call the WAAAAHmbulance!" I need a good dose of laughter and a great surprise to shake me out of this funk. I hate funks. I'm a bit of a control freak so when things get out of my control, or I wake up feeling off and can't pinpoint what it is, therefore how to fix it, I get antsy and frustrated. I need a remedy but I don't know the ailment. I know one part of the ailment, but I can't control it....what if a doctor said to you, after you explain your symptoms, "yeah...I know exactly what you have but sadly I have no idea how to fix it or make it feel better.". Brutal. I may have to go dark for a few days, decompress. I am definitely looking forward to heading off to Chicago in a week, gone for 10 days. I'll be totally busy the whole time, distracted, unable to think about stupid stuff, focus on what I've been working on for the past few months, see some friends, make some new ones. I need an escape. I need a massage. I need a glass of wine...or three.