The next adventure

My sister, Alli, and I decided a few months ago to take a trip together overseas. Sadly our other sister, Colleen, won't be able to join as she has very few vacation days available (they make them use their own vacay days to take Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays!). We decided on Thailand as a nice mix of culture and history, beaches and sand, adventure and relaxation. We've been trying to plan things but my work and personal schedule keeps getting in the way...program start date changing multiple times at work, wedding season taking up free weekends and so forth. It's so hard to get the ball rolling when each week it seems there is some new news at work, the date has changed again, the time isn't right, on and on.

Every time I open my Thailand books I purchased in eager anticipation, I get overwhelmed. Despite the fact that we theoretically could be leaving for Thailand in 2 weeks, it doesn't feel real yet...and I don't think it will until we both finally purchase our plane tickets, once I finally know what the H is going on at work. It's frustrating and I just want to know I'm going already, have it mapped out, begin to book our bungalows and hotels, decide which trek we want to take on the back of a giant elephant, which monasteries to visit, which beaches to lay lazily about, which waters to dive in. It's so hard, being a planner by day, to not want to have this planned out minute by minute already. It also doesn't help that my sister and I are trying to coordinate schedules to talk on Skype since she's enjoying another vacation down in Mexico currently.

Life is tough...it's busy and messy and sometimes you just have to pull the trigger, call the shots, make it happen and let the chips fall as they may. Work doesn't rule my life. I don't get paid enough to put my personal time on hold. I should just book it and say THERE! I have spent the last 6 months working long hours, many weekends with no real vacation...it's time.

Slightly older, slightly more wise?

I am officially 26 and a few days. Some years it feels different, this year it doesn't. Well, I guess it feels a little different but not in a way I expected. I feel a change in the sense that I feel more driven...driven to grow as a person, to climb the corporate ladder, to move into the next phase of my being, to make more steps towards those bigger goals in life. Some things are becoming more clear, others more muddied.

We make these choices in life, these decisions that shape us and form our future in some ways. I look down on myself, where I am today, how I got here. It's all pretty crazy. I moved to Vermont almost 4 years ago...uprooted my entire life, left all my best friends, moved to a totally foreign place to begin the quest to "corporate stardom". I admit, I want to become something...I want my name to be recognized at least in my field of work, whatever that ends up being. I want to make a name for myself. Have I made the right choices up until this point to move towards that goal? Who knows! The way each step affects the future cannot be seen until the future is reached, then you look back and reflect on your choices, your decisions. I do not believe in coincidences...so with that in mind, I must assume that the movement you make in life is purposeful even if it doesn't seem so at the moment.

The bigger picture. I feel like I'm getting closer to seeing it, seeing what is in store, seeing what my next "big thing" is. A year of changes in my work, a year of weddings and engagements and babies, a year of love and love lost, a year of challenges, a year of family health. All these things, all in the span of one year...they are part of the building blocks of the next step, whatever it may be. Another year gone, another age reached, another lesson to be learned.

Another year

Another birthday is almost upon me...2 days away. Even though I'm getting older, I rarely freak out about my birthday. This year I feel especially relaxed about it. Usually I find myself reflecting or assessing my current situation, and maybe in a day or two I will but at the moment I almost feel numb about it. What is a birthday really, other than a way to track time? And time isn't even a trackable thing since it is constantly in motion, it is constantly changing. Each second ticks by, time is moving, fluid, dynamic.

What will this new age have in store for me? I will be going into my 26th year on this planet. That's over a quarter of a century. I've lived all over, traveled all over, studied dozens of subjects, laughed, cried, loved, lost. Every experience up to this point has shaped where I am today. It's easy to look back and say you wish you had done something differently or better but the reality is, every action has a reason...every thing we do puts us where we are today. Sometimes I have to remind myself of my own mantra...there are no coincidences. Or my mom's mantra...everything happens for a reason. All we can do is hope that each decision we make, each action we take teaches us something. If it seems like something we could have done better or differently, perhaps it just takes looking at it from a different angle, realizing it's benefit, it's place in our life, it's purpose in shaping who we are at this moment.

Twenty six. My horoscope (multiple ones actually) say I'm about to have a month of illumination...a month of the spotlight being on me and to make sure that I don't try to revert into the Libran way of wanting to be a balance point between two people, but to let the light shine on me, let the attention be put on me. I don't do well at that but I guess a birthday is a good excuse to give something new a try!

Brrrr

Last night was the first time I've closed all my windows since I moved in to my new apartment (minus a few crazy storms). The chill has arrived, despite the warmer day times, the chill is here...fall is here. Although I love sandals and sundresses (probably too much so), I do love being able to curl up on the couch and pull my alpaca blanket over me, sip some hot tea or coffee, enjoy the warmth of the oven after baking some tarts.

I love the cooking that comes with fall. Tarts and applesauce, soups and bread, squash. The smells are beginning to waft through my apartment...I love it.

The chill also adds an interesting element to my exercising. I have never been one to run in the cold...my lungs burn within mere minutes. But clearly I need to get over this if I'm going to run a half marathon on November 9th. I ran last night along the bike path to enjoy the scenery and my arms and hands were numb by the end, my legs splotchy red from the cold air. Then the wind picks up, a breeze blows across the sweat sending a deep chill down the body.

This weekend will be great. Birthday dinner party for a friend with great food, good friends and a nice porch to sip wine on. Farmers Market with the dogs (I'm doggie sitting for Emi and Kev), coffee and a chocolate croissant on Church St.. Apple picking followed by a massive cooking fest, all things apple...apple tarts, apple pie, apple sauce, salad with apples, you name it, we're going to make it! And then a hopeful attempt at finding tickets for Sunday's Fine Wine and Food Festival at Shelburne Farms. I just have to find tickets!

Enjoy it...enjoy the crisp air. It's so clean, so rejuvenating. Can't you feel it? Can't you feel the cool breeze blowing through, pushing cobwebs away, clearing out that dusty attic, inspiring you to get rid of the old and bring in the new? Fall. A time to fall...fall in leaves, fall into new clothes, fall in love.

Hitting the Brakes

That's what my friend said..."good for you for hitting the brakes". I had been accelerating at a pace that was bound to knock me out at some point. Social events, work events, work, exercise, organizations, etc. etc. I had overbooked and it was only getting worse. Double booking evenings...something from 6-7:30, then 8-11. It was getting to be too much...I was loosing my balance so to speak. So this past weekend, mainly Sunday, I "hit the brakes". I ignored all incoming phone calls. I slept in. I stayed in my pajamas until the afternoon. I drank multiple lattes and read. I baked. I lit candles that filled my apartment with smells of fall. I played music that seemed almost palpable, almost as if I could see the notes physically wafting through my apartment. I nixed going to the gym or for a run despite my original plan of exercising. And I didnt' let myself feel bad about any of that.

It's exactly what I needed. A day or recluse. As a Libra we seek balance. The non-me side of the scale was definitely not balanced with the "me" side. It needed a shift...and still needs some more, but it's much better. Have you ever used an old scale, perhaps in science class way back when? Put pennies in one side..keep loading them on with nothing in the opposite side. Keep going. Keep going. Eventually the whole scale tips over. That's exactly what was beginning to happen. I was doing too much for everyone but myself. Yesterday felt good. The only person in existence was myself and I was pretty pleased about that.

Crisp

There is a crispness in the air. It is the first true sign of Fall. Even when the weather warms up a bit in the afternoon, the crispness doesn't wane. Smells are changing. Trees are turning. Types of food that appeal to me is changing. It's here. In many ways I want to fight it, I want to be back to bathing suits and humidity and sun drenching my skin. I am a summer girl. I love it. But I must say, there's something about Fall that I love. Hearing the breeze blow against my window panes and creep in the cracked window by my bed, sending a chill through me, causing me to pull my covers up to my neck. Again, the smell. It's not tangible, it's not even describable, but it's there. I can almost hear music wafting through the air, the first smell of cinnamon and pumpkin, that first true chilly night.

Seasons change. Moods change. Desires change. Feelings change. Perhaps sometimes it takes an earthly change, an atmospheric change to inspire other change. To create an impetus to change something you've been sitting on for a while. Winter is near. Change is imminent.

Rides, ponies, trapeze and more!

Although I dread the end of summer, there is one thing that I really look forward to that is the first sign of the waning warm days...the county Fair!! I get giddy with anticipation at the first commercial or banner announcing it coming to town. I feel like I'm in an old movie, or in a book such as one of our past book club books...the first group comes to town and gets the crowds excited weeks in advance. I book off evenings for it (yes, I said evenings plural as I usually go twice). I don't know what it is but I truly love fairs. I'm not a discriminatory fair-goer either. I love it all. The food, the rides, the animals, the acts, the music, the carnies, you name it, I love it.

People always seem to be shocked when I mention how much I love going on rides at the Fair..especially when I reveal my love for buying the wristband that permits unlimited riding. I love the slight paranoia involved in considering exactly how rickety the rides are, exactly how under qualified the ride operators are, the chances of launching off the rides to a quick and very public death. But then I think, if I'm going to die on one of these rides, at least I will die in the midst of laughing, of yelling so loud, of feeling the wind pull the skin back on my face, my whole being surrounded in glowing lights and tinkling sounds of carnival games embracing me like a halo. There could be worse ways to go.

Favorites rides. This is a question always asked of me. I particularly love a ride at the Chittenden County Fair known as Freak Out. It swings you and spins you at the same time...you swing high over a candied apple stand. It's best at sunset. Then there's the classic one, maybe called the Tornado? You sit in little car kind of things, 3 to a section, about 6 sections and you spin around and around. I love the feeling of your body slowly sliding across the seat, compressing your ride partner, spit slowly being pulled out of your wide open, screaming mouth, hair blowing uncontrollably. It's that loss of control, that utter release of oneself that is amazing. I love to close my eyes, listen to the sounds and feel the wind against my face. I tell you, it's euphoric.

I also love the really crazy ride that costs $10. It's terrifies me and I can't get enough of it.

Food is a whole other story and a whole other event in itself. I tend to go for the big two...a brat or sausage, loaded with peppers and onions and washing it down with a funnel cake, not to be mistaken for a fried dough. I guess funnel cake is either a southern thing or a Pennsylvania thing but it kicks fried doughs ass. Here's all the explanation you need - more dough touches the fat. Enough said.

Onto what I like to refer to as miscellaneous or icing on the cake. Miniature ponies. Check! Llamas. Check! Bunnies. Check! Roosters and other random aviary animals and or poultry. Check! This year, however, there was an even more amazing "miscellaneous" item. The trapeze!! Yep, that's right. Apparently the trapeze act isn't just for the big top anymore. I have to say...I was mesmerized...and slightly jealous. I wanted to be up there, flying high, twirling through the air, being caught at the last second all while being applauded on by eager onlookers. Perhaps I missed my calling.

Turns out, I know someone who went to Circus Camp as a kid!! How amazing is that? Apparently he excelled at the trapeze. I forget what his other area of specialty was but either way, I'm totally jealous. It has made me want to go to one of those trapeze schools like they have in Manhattan. Adding it to the list of "life to-do's" as we speak.

Until next year...

Overload

I can't blame anyone but myself when I pack my schedule too tight only to then feel stressed or overwhelmed or uncentered. I have been doing this lately...perhaps to make up for having been gone so much of the summer. Aside from work being totally insane and time consuming, it's a dinner party one night, bike ride the next, hosting a cocktail party another night, finding galleries to show my photos in, visiting people or having people visit, gym, bookclub, etc. etc. etc. I love doing these things, they keep me busy, make me feel alive. But at the same time, I'm a libra and we need balance. I have felt like I haven't had time to myself in weeks...time to just cook dinner, sit on the couch and read, take a bath, relax. It's been go-go-go. Due to my new account and the greater responsibility I have with it, I find myself checking email all the time, making lists of tomorrow's to-do's on top of responding to personal emails requesting a get-together.

I was thinking back to last year when I was spending time in the darkroom, ipod on, pulling photos. Or spending hours at the pottery wheel while house-sitting for my pottery teacher. Or the once a week Philo hikes to destress after a long day. Not to mention cooking dinner most nights of the week. My mum and I did some cooking over the weekend and it was so nice, so centering. I forgot how much cooking relaxes me and I just haven't even had time for it. I feel like over the past year I learned how to not put all my focus on me but to care for others more, to think of others first, to relish people and my connections with people. Last winter did this for me and it's a great thing to have gained but now I need to take that and merge it with my previous ability to factor myself in more. Merging the two will be the ultimate scale balance...it is key, and has been missing.