Trials and Tribulations

I suppose life can't always be smooth sailing, clear skies, calm waters. Sometimes a squall comes in, waters become choppy, the sun is masked by thick, ominous clouds. It is easy in times like that to seek cover under deck, to hold on and hope it passes. It's scary to climb on deck, grab hold of the wheel and steer the vessel toward the light, toward safety. Sometimes you don't have a choice.

Last week and this past weekend I was faced with a few storms. The first was work related and I had no choice but to grab the helm and fight the wind and rain, not give up as the cold rain sliced my eye like a knife, not falter as the waves slapped the side of the vessel. I wanted to leap off the side of the boat and let the waters do with me as they pleased. I felt helpless at times, frustrated constantly. I felt like giving up, throwing in the towel, cursing the heavens. I didn't. Now I am left to sit and wait and hope that my work improves things, that the answers are good ones. If only people, clients, knew exactly what went on behind this wood structure I sit at day in and day out.

The other storm the came roaring in full force was of personal nature. A test I suppose. I'm wondering if I have been involuntarily entered into the World's Strongest Woman contest, because that is what it feels like. I felt frustrated by the nature of things, by responsibilities, by priorities. I felt I was driving down a one way street with no place to change directions. And when I did hit a 4-way stop, I almost made a turn down a very tough road...A road that would be moving away from the present, figuring out a new path. I felt so confused I had to go sit in City Hall park on a freezing cold bench, in the dark, alone and think...think hard. I had to evaluate exactly how strong I am, how patient I am, how tolerant I am. I still am evaluating this and I'm afraid I will continue to do so for the next two months. I almost took the turn down the rough road, the road that would require a tough choice. But then I was reminded of why I I like the road I'm on, I like the way it makes me feel as I let the wind blow through my hair when the windows are down. I'm not ready to let weakness take that from me, not just yet, and hopefully not ever.