The walls came crumbling down

It's snowing outside...really snowing, and that makes me very happy. Although I've been enjoying the warm temps we've been having, I have been hating the brown, ugly, bare ground. I love the look of snow. I love it when it falls. I love the sound when it snows, and by sound I mean lack thereof. Sometimes it makes me want to find a quiet park bench and just sit, letting the snow nestle onto my coat and hair, listen to the air moving through the world. It makes me feel at peace. I'd like to be sitting in a big chair in front of a huge window looking out into a valley, a fire at my back, a book and tea in hand, watching the snow fall.

I am a control freak, it's part of who I am, it's part of why I'm good at my job. Leaving things to chance sometimes stresses me out. This weekend was further proof of my control tendencies. I don't think of myself as a controlling person, but I just like to know what's going on and be able to work with it. Some things have been weighing on my mind, things out of my control, and I've been trying to cope with them, calm myself, realign myself. Then yesterday more things came crashing down on me and I snapped. I realized that I had been holding back so much emotion, trying so hard to be strong and not let these things affect me outwardly. But then it became too much and the walls came crumbling down. I let it go, I let the emotions flow and it felt great really. I realized that amidst things that would be hard for anyone to deal with, I was putting up the strong-woman-hear-me-roar front and not letting them really hit me. I was trying to be stronger then them, better then them, controlling at least my emotions since I couldn't control the issues. There is only so much a person can take before we have to let things hit us, before we have to let the wall come down, let the emotions flow, let us actually deal with things. That moment came yesterday and I must admit, my mind feels lighter now, I feel more centered, I feel better suited to deal with these upcoming challenges. Emotions are there for a reason...being strong isn't always the best option.