Valentines Day...

Ah...February 14th. It is an interesting day to be honest. Some people use it as a day to make up for their poor behavior in a relationship. Some people use it to mask the major cracks in a relationship. Some use it to reconnect. Some use it as a good reason for some extra special lovin' with their special someone. Some use it as a day to be reminded of their single freedom, although on Valentines Day it can often feel less like independence and more like a dark cloud...a day where being alone is highlighted, hanging at every corner in neon lights, lingering in the empty mailbox.

Did you know that ancient Valentines Day rituals included sacrificing a goat and a dog? Shedding blood on the day of love. It seems a bit...I don't know, dark? Do you know an estimated one BILLION Valentines cards are sent each year? I am not sure I completely agree with excessive tree killing as a way to show someone you care...unless it is like what my office mate did (see below).

I loved elementary school days where everyone took a shoebox and spent hours making it beautiful and perfect, doilies, stickers, glitter, hearts galore, lace, you name it. Then everyone had to put a Valentine in everyones box. Of course you got extra special ones for your close friends. And then there was always the anticipation...will I get a special Valentine from my crush? Ah..the sweet bliss of innocent young love. Being 10 was great...love was free, love was without deep pain, love was a stolen kiss under the monkey bars.

I asked my office mate what he got his wife for Valentines Day. He wrote her a love letter. He nailed it on the head...what I consider would be the best Valentines Day present ever from the one you love.

I'm starring at the red velvet cupcake and the chocolate cupcake w/oreo hearts sitting next to me on my desk...starring and wondering if as they fill my stomach, will they fill the place that someone recently had...

Happy Valentines Day all. Don't forget to tell your family and friends you love them.

Shrinking Violet?

Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in something, whisked away by something, mesmerized by something. Sometimes it's a pair of all too expensive high heels. As you gaze longingly into the mirror, the lady next to you stops shopping to admire and praise the perfect match of human and shoe, you become entranced and the next thing you know, your credit card is debited an unspeakable amount. Sometimes it is the snow falling on the trees, dancing on it's way down, softening the sounds of life, dusting your eyelashes, you get lost in it. Other times it is a feeling, an emotion long lost. It takes you over, engulfs your system slowly and quietly. Suddenly you wake up and think, where have I been?

There are days, we all have them, where we just aren't "ourselves". Sometimes it's just a passing mood, sometimes it's caused by stress, sometimes by outside events, and sometimes it can come from getting lost, getting lost in that emotion that has quietly overtaken our souls. A once cartwheeling, outspoken girl becomes a more subdued, calculated person. They are but one in the same, yet the former version embodied the true soul of the person. How does this happen? How can we get so lost, become a shrinking violet in front of our own eyes, unable to recognize it until something has passed? It often isn't until doing a cartwheel again that that girl remembers what it feels like, hands on the pavement, feet flying overhead, and thinks...it's been far too long since I've done one of those.

Dreams

I have mentioned in previous posts my interest in dreams. I have been slacking on writing them down when I wake up...usually it's the first thing I do before even getting out of my bed. The more you write down your dreams, the more often you remember them. Today was the first day in months I wrote it down.

After writing it down and remembering key parts, key items, I proceeded to look up several of the key elements to get a light interpretation. There is one scene in particular from my dream that coupled with the supposed "meaning" of certain elements, it is pretty much a perfect representation of current events in my life. I woke from this dream curious...curious because it was so heavily laden with a specific theme, a common denominator throughout, something that has been on the forefront of my daily thoughts for the past week or so. And I rarely dream of things that are blatantly relevant to my life, my present state of mind. Usually it is very gray as to what is going on. Last night's was much more black and white, much more pertinent to where I am right now.

Maybe dreams are really just a garbage disposal of random meaningless items in our minds. Maybe they mean nothing other than to clean out the mind in order to start a new day. Maybe they are a release of pent up energies, pent up issues that we need to release somewhere. Maybe they really are a gateway to our subconscious, a telling of current events, symbolism for current situations and things to come. "Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives."

Trials and Tribulations

I suppose life can't always be smooth sailing, clear skies, calm waters. Sometimes a squall comes in, waters become choppy, the sun is masked by thick, ominous clouds. It is easy in times like that to seek cover under deck, to hold on and hope it passes. It's scary to climb on deck, grab hold of the wheel and steer the vessel toward the light, toward safety. Sometimes you don't have a choice.

Last week and this past weekend I was faced with a few storms. The first was work related and I had no choice but to grab the helm and fight the wind and rain, not give up as the cold rain sliced my eye like a knife, not falter as the waves slapped the side of the vessel. I wanted to leap off the side of the boat and let the waters do with me as they pleased. I felt helpless at times, frustrated constantly. I felt like giving up, throwing in the towel, cursing the heavens. I didn't. Now I am left to sit and wait and hope that my work improves things, that the answers are good ones. If only people, clients, knew exactly what went on behind this wood structure I sit at day in and day out.

The other storm the came roaring in full force was of personal nature. A test I suppose. I'm wondering if I have been involuntarily entered into the World's Strongest Woman contest, because that is what it feels like. I felt frustrated by the nature of things, by responsibilities, by priorities. I felt I was driving down a one way street with no place to change directions. And when I did hit a 4-way stop, I almost made a turn down a very tough road...A road that would be moving away from the present, figuring out a new path. I felt so confused I had to go sit in City Hall park on a freezing cold bench, in the dark, alone and think...think hard. I had to evaluate exactly how strong I am, how patient I am, how tolerant I am. I still am evaluating this and I'm afraid I will continue to do so for the next two months. I almost took the turn down the rough road, the road that would require a tough choice. But then I was reminded of why I I like the road I'm on, I like the way it makes me feel as I let the wind blow through my hair when the windows are down. I'm not ready to let weakness take that from me, not just yet, and hopefully not ever.