The walls came crumbling down

It's snowing outside...really snowing, and that makes me very happy. Although I've been enjoying the warm temps we've been having, I have been hating the brown, ugly, bare ground. I love the look of snow. I love it when it falls. I love the sound when it snows, and by sound I mean lack thereof. Sometimes it makes me want to find a quiet park bench and just sit, letting the snow nestle onto my coat and hair, listen to the air moving through the world. It makes me feel at peace. I'd like to be sitting in a big chair in front of a huge window looking out into a valley, a fire at my back, a book and tea in hand, watching the snow fall.

I am a control freak, it's part of who I am, it's part of why I'm good at my job. Leaving things to chance sometimes stresses me out. This weekend was further proof of my control tendencies. I don't think of myself as a controlling person, but I just like to know what's going on and be able to work with it. Some things have been weighing on my mind, things out of my control, and I've been trying to cope with them, calm myself, realign myself. Then yesterday more things came crashing down on me and I snapped. I realized that I had been holding back so much emotion, trying so hard to be strong and not let these things affect me outwardly. But then it became too much and the walls came crumbling down. I let it go, I let the emotions flow and it felt great really. I realized that amidst things that would be hard for anyone to deal with, I was putting up the strong-woman-hear-me-roar front and not letting them really hit me. I was trying to be stronger then them, better then them, controlling at least my emotions since I couldn't control the issues. There is only so much a person can take before we have to let things hit us, before we have to let the wall come down, let the emotions flow, let us actually deal with things. That moment came yesterday and I must admit, my mind feels lighter now, I feel more centered, I feel better suited to deal with these upcoming challenges. Emotions are there for a reason...being strong isn't always the best option.

January showers bring February flowers?

Ick. It's a disgusting day outside...rain. It's raining in January. Not even 2 weeks ago it was 0 degrees at 9am and we had so much snow, you could barely keep up with the shoveling. Now it's 35 and raining and brown.

Looking out my office windows I see a train, slowly creeping down the tracks. Chugga. Chugga. Chugga. Chugga. The interminable pace feels like a vision of the next two months. The train hasn't stopped, it's not stagnant, but the motion is slow...painfully so. Watching that train creep by, I wanted to go out there, put my hands on the caboose and push as hard as I could if only to move it a few seconds faster down the tracks. Sometimes though, we have to accept that things are out of our control...the train will make it to the station at the same rate no matter how hard you will it to move faster. But the key message is that the train WILL make it to the station eventually. At least passengers within get to not only see the entire scenery surrounding them, but they really get to absorb every detail in. Maybe the key is, as a passenger, to study every color, every texture, every movement, every smell. Perhaps a slow moving train, although at first is as frustrating as being stuck in gridlock LA traffic, can turn into an adventure of the senses.

When I was in Egypt, we were supposed to spend 3 days and 2 nights sailing up the Nile, making our way to Luxor. Due to heavy sand storms, we weren't able to sail much. We ended up spending the first night docked at this little Nubian Island on the Nile. At first, we sat on the boat playing cards and growing listless, frustrated that we weren't enjoying a beautiful sail up the Nile. Then my newly formed friend, Roberta, and I decided to get off the boat and explore. We ended up having the most amazing experiences - playing soccer with local kids, talking about farming and local businesses with a local man, smoking the sheesha (hookah) with some weathered elders, watching goats eat everything in sight. It ended up being one of the best parts of the trip. Something that began as a frustrating pause, a stall, a stagnation, ended up being full of life, color, experience, emotion.

The proverbial "tree in the forest"

"On cold days a man can see his breath, on a hot day he can't. On both occasions, the man breathes." - White Teeth, Zadie Smith

This quote struck me as particularly intriguing. In the context of the book, they are referring to Allah, Jesus, Buddha, a higher being. However, I find it particulary interesting when placed next to the proverbial "tree in the forest". If a tree falls in a lonely forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Is sound only a sound if someone hears it? Apart from the books original higher-being reference, it is an intriguing thought. Do our actions always have an effect, regardless of whether they immediately touch, or are seen, perceived by anyone else? In cases of unseen acts, does it circle back around to karma?

In the sense of the books meaning, it is basically stating that regardless of whether you are witnessed directly, your actions are observerd by a higher being and will come upon you at judgement day. Can we apply this thought separate from the reference to God or other higher beings? Will all of our actions act as a drop in the ocean, eventually creating a wave, eventually creating a tidal wave, eventually creating a tsunami? Do we assume that things we do (obviously aside from mundane, daily tasks) can go unnoticed? Are we but a drop in the ocean? And if we are, wouldn't the ocean be less without that drop?

Although we can't see our breath on a hot day, it is still there keeping us alive. Perhaps things that are not tangible, not physically visible, still have an enormous affect on the world, a lasting consequence - good or bad, maintain the flow of life. Perhaps we are not just a tiny drop in the ocean but a piece of a greater web, a web that keeps things in balance, in check. When a tree falls in a forest, regardless of whether it makes a sound (perception) or the sound is heard, it has a greater affect on the landscape, the wildlife, everything from the insects to the air we breath. Maybe it isn't the breath, or the falling of the tree but the ripple that that produces...

Trials and Tribulations

I suppose life can't always be smooth sailing, clear skies, calm waters. Sometimes a squall comes in, waters become choppy, the sun is masked by thick, ominous clouds. It is easy in times like that to seek cover under deck, to hold on and hope it passes. It's scary to climb on deck, grab hold of the wheel and steer the vessel toward the light, toward safety. Sometimes you don't have a choice.

Last week and this past weekend I was faced with a few storms. The first was work related and I had no choice but to grab the helm and fight the wind and rain, not give up as the cold rain sliced my eye like a knife, not falter as the waves slapped the side of the vessel. I wanted to leap off the side of the boat and let the waters do with me as they pleased. I felt helpless at times, frustrated constantly. I felt like giving up, throwing in the towel, cursing the heavens. I didn't. Now I am left to sit and wait and hope that my work improves things, that the answers are good ones. If only people, clients, knew exactly what went on behind this wood structure I sit at day in and day out.

The other storm the came roaring in full force was of personal nature. A test I suppose. I'm wondering if I have been involuntarily entered into the World's Strongest Woman contest, because that is what it feels like. I felt frustrated by the nature of things, by responsibilities, by priorities. I felt I was driving down a one way street with no place to change directions. And when I did hit a 4-way stop, I almost made a turn down a very tough road...A road that would be moving away from the present, figuring out a new path. I felt so confused I had to go sit in City Hall park on a freezing cold bench, in the dark, alone and think...think hard. I had to evaluate exactly how strong I am, how patient I am, how tolerant I am. I still am evaluating this and I'm afraid I will continue to do so for the next two months. I almost took the turn down the rough road, the road that would require a tough choice. But then I was reminded of why I I like the road I'm on, I like the way it makes me feel as I let the wind blow through my hair when the windows are down. I'm not ready to let weakness take that from me, not just yet, and hopefully not ever.