Wandering Words

Blizzard 2011

2011-02-01T17:43:00.001-08:00

The wind is a blaze
Thru the storm I cannot gaze.
The fire is roaring
I won't let this be boring.
A fully stocked bar
No need for a car.
Scrabble on my phone
Although cable I am prone.
Blizzard in Chi-town
I won't let you get me down.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

An anniversary

2011-01-25T19:26:00.000-08:00

It's funny how sometimes we know something before we consciously recognize it. Earlier this evening I got the hankering to listen to The xx. I love them but I haven't actively played them in a few months so wasn't sure where the random need to play the album came from but who am I to argue w/the desire for some good tunes? I put them on and quickly melted into their hypnotic voices, smooth melodies.

It reminded me of my friend Tera, the one who introduced me to them. This in turn brought back a rush of memories of exactly when I first heard them...at the rental house we had on the oceanfront of Encinitas, CA where we were for a week for work. Descending the stairs to their hypnotic voices, smooth melodies with the sound of waves in the background and smell of coffee brewing in the kitchen. I can literally sense the cool tiles against my feet, the salty air and mist from the early morning sky.

I decided to give her a little shout out on FaceBook about this reminiscing and then it struck me. What is today's date? When was I in Jackson Hole last year? Valentine's Day. Count backwards...hold the phone, Encinitas was almost exactly one year ago. Had my mind known that and therefore triggered this desire to hear The xx, to be transported back there? I really think so. I think our minds have a stronger bank of recognition then we give it credit for...a greater ability to recognize the importance or significance of certain dates, times, places, smells.

The other day I was at yoga and I actually thought about this trip, particularly this one night, sitting on the beach after snowboarding at a secret spot all day. A cool air, a beach fire, a bottle of wine, a guitar and 3 great new friends. I went to this place during yoga as a place of peace, of feeling centered, feeling warmth.

I've traveled a lot and had many random happenings, interesting meetings, intense memories, but I must say that trip is one that will forever give me a smile, be a place of peace and balance in my mind, a sense of warmth and wholeness.

Happy Anniversary TD, DL and BB. All my love and happiness for our fortuitous weekend, sealing our lifelong friendships.

"When I find myself by the sea, in another's company by the sea. When I go out to the pier, gonna dive and have no fear." - The xx, VCR

La Dolce Far Niente

2011-01-17T20:41:00.001-08:00

After a long week running an event in the suburbs, I was in major need of a recharge. I dove in, head first, to 3 days of solitude and recharge. I kicked it off by watching "Eat, Pray, Love". I have to admit, I like the movie significantly better than the book, a sentiment I rarely feel. Having this movie start off my recharge weekend was perfect too, particularly because of a scene while she's in Italy. They discuss an Italian term, "la dolce far niente", which translates to the art of doing nothing. They discuss how Americans take time to do nothing and feel guilty whereas they and many other countries, do it because they want to and don't feel the need to justify or self-loathe after.

I embodies La Dolce Far Niente this weekend and don't have an ounce or regret or guilt. I slept, I watched movies, I got a massage, I meditated, I did yoga, I took a long candlelit bath, I had a beer while grocery shopping, I cooked a fabulous meal and enjoyed every last bite, I sat and read by the fire. I literally left my house 3 times...once for the massage, once for groceries and once for a movie marathon at a friends. I can't describe how great it felt to escape, hide, quiet my mind, not leave my apartment.

I am a generally outgoing sociable person but to recharge I need solitude. The escape from people, conversation, small talk was like a face lift...renewing. I recommend a day or 3 of la dolce far niente to all and I plan to have more at least moments, evenings of it.

Relax...because you want to.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Top 10's

2010-12-28T21:16:00.000-08:00

Hmm so a friend of mine posted a Top 10 list of songs for 2010 on his Facebook page and it got me thinking that I'd like to post a few Top 10 of 2010 posts before ringing in the New Year. Here are the categories I'm thinking:

Top 10 Memories

Top 10 Songs

Top 10 Movie/TV Show Quotes

Top 10 Places (specific vs broad)

What else, what else....not sure what I'll start with but perhaps tomorrow morning will be the first.

Quelle Surprise

2010-12-28T21:01:00.000-08:00

Yeah...so much for my posting about Hawaii shortly after my one picture. Alas, it will come....probably on a bitter cold day when I need to take some time to think back to the warmth and wonder of Hawaii.

So, for now, a holiday post of sorts. I had a few moments of slight sadness/nostalgia coming into the holiday season thinking about Church St. and the lights and music pipping through the street, lights outlining each tree, kids playing in the snow, Leunigs with it's warm glow and cozy bar. It's been almost 6 months exactly since I called it home there. But the memories are so fond I look back on them and enjoy that slight pain of sadness, it means I did it right.

Holidays. Family. Too much food. It's always nice to be back with my family. There are always surprises, some bigger than others. We found this old book that my mom used to write in that had sections for various notes about each holiday. There were only a few years, starting with my first Christmas and about 6 or 7 years. It was really neat to read...it said what we did the night before, what we ate, watched, read, who came over, what was happening in the world, what was happening in our city, what we all got, what christmas day was like and other notes. There were some funny quips about me, just further solidifying the fact that I was clearly a kid with a lot going on, including a lot of energy and pizzazz. There were notes that reminded us all how thankful we were to have each other.

Now we are approaching a new year. Can you believe it? How is is almost 2011? I was just emailing a friend that I made exactly a year ago early December and couldn't believe it had already been 365 days since being in Colorado for work and staying in this crazy huge house, watching a Toyota truck get tipped after a crazy party, having some amazing runs on the hill and making memories with a new friend. A year. Another year. So much has transpired in 2010. I will need to devote some time to thinking about it, really digesting the past year. Maybe I'll do a post about 2010 memories, learnings, experiences. Those things that I will take w/me moving into 2011 and beyond.

I hope everyone had a great holiday and remembered to love the ones you're with. It's all about love and family and friends. We mustn't forget that. To all my VT family, miss and love you always. Have a French 75 at Leunigs for me after a nice stroll up Church on a snowy evening.

Teaser

2010-11-23T20:43:00.000-08:00

Hawaii blog post coming soon...

Reverse Order

2010-11-23T20:31:00.001-08:00

Ok so, I really should blog about Hawaii to keep chronology correct on here, but for some reason I am not feeling like I can properly get words out to describe my vacation to paradise. Who knows, maybe by the end of this post I will be ready. In any case, I have been wanting to blog and putting it off, not feeling the right words, not finding the time. Admittedly I tended to blog at work when I lived in VT and my job now doesn't afford much time to do that (not to mention my computer screen faces the general room so probably not a good idea anyways). Also, I've been neglecting calling Penelope back after a quick game of phone tag, but have been thinking about her a lot which maybe is inspiring me to blog seeing as she was the initial inspiration behind even starting this thing.

So, let's see. I guess today finally fit for blogging because I had a day that wasn't necessarily out of the ordinary, but just seemed really great...like things all fit together quite nicely. I was stressing a bit about a proposal but we pitched it and it went really well. During the pitch itself, I felt so comfortable, so confident, the words just came, the flow was spot on, it just worked. Then I got some necessary errands done, chilled out for a bit and then packing seemed to go so well today...like I feel I packed pretty perfectly for the Thanksgiving break. You have to understand, as someone who travels ALL the time, I constantly strive for the "perfect" pack...essentially arriving somewhere and not thinking, "why the heck did I bring this shirt?" or "great, I packed about 1/2 of what I actually need". Nope, I'm feeling good about this one...so, here's hoping I'm right!

The energy is good right now. Not just today, but the past few days. Heck, maybe since the first day of my vacation. Despite a raging kidney infection the past week which should have gotten me down, the energy has been good...that kind that you feel and know it's glowing, not brooding or weighing down, but glowing.

This past Saturday was one of those perfect days...a day that I woke up Sunday smiling from. I planned a brunch for my small group of friends here, planned a grand fall menu, cleaned my place, got smelly candles out, had coffee brewing. The food was amazing (pumpkin pancakes, you did me right) and we ended up hanging out in my kitchen, eating, drinking various cocktails and playing Catch Phrase for literally 5 hours. We eventually moved to the living room to play another game and continue the slow day drinking, and finally moved to my local pub for cards and beers. The energy of the group was so perfect, the fact they all got into the games, the way the food went down, it just couldn't have been a better day. It was the first time I'd held a gathering at my place and I think it made me feel really "here", like I'm not floating around still nailing down my life here, I think it's really happening now. It's a pretty cool feeling.

Return to my childhood home

2010-11-06T15:39:00.000-07:00

I'd be lying if I said I could focus on normal life right now. I'm so completely distracted by the recent development of travel. I will be flying from NYC to Honolulu, HI on Tuesday to visit a friend who's living there for the next 2 months to do live editing of the Vans Triple Crown of Surfing. It kind of came up last second and I was able to snag a ticket w/very few frequent flier miles (I mean, I have 200K of them) and have a house to stay at w/my friend and a few others there to work on the video production of the event. Not to mention I have all these vacation days that will be lost come January and I've been trying to take a vacay since September. So, stars aligned and in less then 3 days I'll be en route to paradise. So yeah...I'm having a little bit of difficulty focusing.

Beyond getting to see my friend Drew, a friend formed from another perfect aligning of stars last winter, I will be returning to my homeland! Yes, a little known fact is that I spent a few of my childhood years on the island of Oahu. My dad was stationed at Hickam Air Force Base for a few years...my dear ages of 3-7 years old. I have only 2 memories, literally, before Hawaii so essentially my life as I remember it started there...I'm a lucky girl, there is no doubt.

I think back to those years in Hawaii and they were some of the best. I'm definitely planning a trip by our old house, my elementary school, the place w/the amazing, huge, warm chocolate chip cookies, the Keyhole, Turtle Bay and more. It'll be like a reunion w/some of my favorite age years. I wonder what it'll feel like to see it again for the first time since I was 7...

A constant wind

2010-10-22T09:08:00.000-07:00

So, I'm being a little scandalous by blogging at work...but hey, it's Friday and I've been slacking on this but really really wanting to keep it up so sometimes you have to break some rules right?! I have literally wanted to blog every day this week and then got caught up in work, followed by things to do post-work or just not wanting to get back on a computer. But alas, I really need to be more diligent...I swore that I would utilize this as a way to share stories to my family back in VT and here I am, slacking.

I honestly can't believe it's already the end of October. I feel like the past few months have been a constant wind, as in, things have been forever moving forward, quickly whisking by, never slowing down. It feels like yesterday I was sitting on Soe's front porch drinking wine and eating cheese back in Burlington (that got me a little teary eyed to type!). But here I am, in Chicago, the windy city. Although I haven't really been here that much. It's crazy how much I'm traveling, more than I did in VT which is funny b/c I thought I'd travel less. But despite how exhausting it is, and how much of my "Me" time I've sacrificed over the past few months, I've gone to some amazing places and formed incredible memories, great friendships and learned a lot. I look through my photos of the past few months and there are pictures from sports games all over the country, Times Square at 3am, kissing one of the Budweiser Clydesdales, dancing w/a New Orleans Jazz legend, watching the lights of Vegas turn on, and more. I think about my life since I graduated college and how incredible it has been and what amazing stories I'll be able to tell my kids one day. I have spent my 20's traveling the US, experiencing so many incredible things, and on someone else's dime! I am a lucky girl.

So, along w/the excitement of travel and adventures comes the other side of me. As much of a "people person" as I am, I'm truly an introvert...I recharge in solitude. And solitude is not something I've had much of the past few months. I keep dreaming of a Sunday on my couch, sipping a latte, reading the paper, burning one of my favorite Yankee fall candles, listening to soft jazz. Spending an afternoon working on the art project I've been planning in my head for 3 years. Taking a walk and petting dogs, stopping for a glass of wine and reading a book. All these things I used to do so often that have been pushed aside. And sure, I do some of it myself because I told myself to not turn down any invitations as that will be the only way I meet people and make friends. I am just hoping for a reprieve of sorts, a few weekends to relax and catch up on me.

And to close out for today, I will list three things I love about this city to share w/my VT followers to let you in on my life here:
1) The sounds of the city. Trees rustling from the wind, dogs barking, the El whooshing by, children laughing, the occassional horn. I know it seems weird to like those, but it just reminds me how much life there is in the city.
2) The river. We were walking to lunch the other day and crossed the river into the Loop and I looked down the river at the glimmering water and towering skyscrapers reflected in it and had to pause...it is truly so beautiful.
3) The architecture. I love riding the El and seeing old brick buildings with the original name painted on the side, slowly fading, or the sleek glass cake-tier Trump building, or the rusty metal on the beams of the El tracks, or the old factories turned into lofts with balconies covered in plants and BBQ's and places people sit and enjoy their downtime.

Weird

2010-07-31T20:07:00.000-07:00

It's weird to live in my head right now. To feel the conflicting thoughts and emotions. I feel so at home, so comfortable, so at peace in this city. Chicago fits, it feels like the right place for me. An amazing spot that I feel lucky to be experiencing. A place I know I was meant to get to. For instance, today, I was on a boat on the lake soaking up the sun while looking at this incredible, stunning skyline view. Sure, that's a pretty sweet deal, but again, I feel like it fits. And what feels weird is that I also miss the people I left in VT so incredibly much. I truly hurt thinking about them. It's not to say I am not making friends here, I am it is just slow and it's different knowing the people I left in VT. Some days I walk through the city experiencing something unique and I think about a specific person or group and how much I wish they were beside me, experiencing it. That's what is weird, learning how to feel these conflicting emotions of being so happy in a place, knowing it fits and being excited about meeting new people but simultaneously standing at a specific spot or place thinking about a friend or friends that would appreciate that spot so much, make that spot even better. I have to continue to figure out how to make them live side by side.

It's funny, leaving a place, how hard it gets to connect with the people that I know will forever be my family. These people that are the only piece of me being in this amazing place seem "off", I talk to so very rarely now. But I feel them every day, which makes it...weird. I feel them all the time...a smell reminds of this person, a song reminds of that person. But would it be the right place in my life to be here with those people who made my life so complete? I think that's part of the greater plan...they can't be here bc it'd be too easy and I'd miss things. But to know they are with me everyday, it is a double edged sword of awesome and sad...to be so incredibly psyched here, yet feel the pull of people I wish were with me.

Chicago...is my kinda town

2010-07-20T17:01:00.000-07:00

Imagine that, I haven't blogged in ages. I'm really being bad about this lately!! Ok...I'm going to make a serious effort to blog at least once a week now. Soe has inspired me again to blog and I realize that it could be a fun way to talk about my life in the new city for my family afar in VT to read about between actual catching up sessions.

SO. Chicago. Three weeks ago I landed in the Windy City, or drove in I should say. I have been traveling a good bit for work so sometimes it almost feels like a long work trip here since I'm so used to being in random places. But I actually feel really at home here, the city fits. I was totally scared that it wouldn't, that I'd get here and what I had built up in my mind just wouldn't be quite right. But the city agrees with me. It's fun, it's vibrant, it's friendly, it's engaging. I don't feel overwhelmed by it.

I'm still getting into the swing of things with life and making myself meet new people and be open to new friends. It's weird to not have a safe group of people to call any night to get dinner with or have a glass of wine, or have people who know you really well who you don't have to try with. But it's also exciting stretching that muscle again too...I just have to continue to push myself to do it and learn about new people and see what fits.

Work is bananas...it's currently after 7pm Central time and I'm still at work. Pretty standard. It's going to be pretty much madness from now until the middle of September. But the flip side is, I'm loving the work and the challenge, I'm learning a ton, I love the people I work with and I have a great team and it feels good. I can see myself growing already and it's exciting.

I miss you all in VT...I am pretty sure you are the only ones that may read this w/the exception of Andrew and my mom. VT is in my heart every day, and certain things of the city remind me of it too which is good.

Ok. The next posts will be more fun...things going on in the city, but I felt an intro post was needed for the Chicago chapter of my life.

I'm off like a hat in a hurricane.

How do we know.

2010-05-07T08:50:00.000-07:00

I often wonder if everyone experiences as much confusion and decision making and wondering as I do. Sometimes I am not sure I'll be able to dig out of the thoughts in my head and figure out what to do...like I'm being sucked into a whirlpool, spinning around and around, grabbing for the edge but it keeps slipping out of my hands. Or do I really know how to get out and am just letting the spin overtake me, overwhelm me, confuse me?

Life is a series of decisions, choices, actions. What to wear today, what to eat, who to call, where to go at night, when to take time off, where to go for vacation, what to get so and so for their birthday. Then there are the big ones. Where do I want to be in 5 years? Am I doing what I should be doing? Am I inspired? Am I happy? What do I want out of today, tomorrow, next week? Should I move? Should I stay? Should I say yes? Should I say no?

Should we choose with our heart or our head? Or just take the plunge...cover your eyes, pinch your nose and leap?

I don't think there are right or wrong choices, they are just choices. Even if something ends up not working out, it doesn't mean it was wrong. It just wasn't right persay. But then again, it's all experiences, learning more about yourself, your likes, dislikes, wants, needs. So can it ever really be a wrong choice?

Anyone can start today and make a new tomorrow

2010-04-15T14:41:00.001-07:00

I love reading recent posts and realizing how quickly things change...how we adapt, morph, grow, right before our very own eyes sometimes. I'm not sure if it's truly the book, but I have really been thinking so much lately about Frankl's belief in choice. You know, it really does work sometimes. Get all the facts, have all the info you can and then decide...decide how YOU want to react. We have that freedom, at all times, to choose how to react to any and everything around us. Yes, sometimes it feels hard or wrong or confusing, but it's a voluntary opportunity...we truly do control our destiny. Would I rather be upset about something that I truly can't control or choose to find what's good about it, what positivity can come from it, what it can morph into and appreciate it for that? I'm going with option B. I've been doing that a lot lately and it's pretty damn refreshing.

We truly can start today and make a new tomorrow. I love that quote. Decide for ourselves how we want to feel tomorrow. Nothing and no one can truly make you feel anything you don't want to. Taking onus of things is the start, looking at all the facts, asking yourself the right questions, and then deciding. What do I want tomorrow to feel like and how can I start making that happen today?

White Noise

2010-04-13T08:46:00.001-07:00

A wise friend recently told me about this theory of White Noise. White Noise is a constant throughout the universe and is leftover energy from long ago. He said that in my mind (or people like me), that "white noise" is that thing that I am trying to not deal with when I stand still, that I keep quiet by having a crazy schedule and life, and that says something about me.

Buddhists and Zen teach mindfulness...to recognize your thoughts and how you interact with them, and they with you, no matter how large or small. Mindfulness can be a way to deal with the white noise.

Having a friend studying Cognitive Science is pretty solid for the things that filter through my mind on a daily.

Strength

2010-04-11T16:36:00.000-07:00

I recently read this great book, "Man's Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl and he uses Nietzsche's famous quote, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger" multiple times. It's funny how much that book, that quote, the things I got from it and where that book now lies plays into my present day thoughts and issues. Strength. Sometimes I don't know if I have what it takes to overcome certain things, to find an answer, to figure out how to respond and keep breathing the same as I did the day before.

We get to make choices. Everyone does. Sometimes our choices don't match that of someone's else, and that can lead to pain. The greatest strength, I think, comes from overcoming the pain of a decision you did not get to make. We like to be active players in the world, in our lives. When a choice is made with an answer we don't like and we have no say in the matter, it is a feeling like no other. Helplessness, sadness, weakness, confusion, frustration. It can feel lonely, being separated from a choice.

And then I think about that word - choice. And I think about Frankl's theories. We have the ability to choose how we react to a situation. We should stop trying to figure out why something happened and instead decide how we are going to react.

I think I know how I'm going to react. I'm not sure how sold I am on it currently but I weigh the options and the other choice would leave a bigger hole, a wider chasm, a greater tear. This is when I call on strength...strength to make the decision that I know, deep down, is the only option.

This one's for you AP

2010-03-16T15:02:00.000-07:00

I am not sure what it is, but sometimes I wonder if anyone really listens to things I say. I don't think it's an insecurity, but I just wonder...do people really truly listen to things I have to say? I got a small bit of reassurance when a friend recently told me he actually reads my blog...I have a follower! How funny that knowing that made me feel a little more important, at least in that moment. Thanks AP.

.......

There are so many outside distractions in life. Be it a pack of fire trucks by a house as you drive by trying to concentrate on the road but unable to not gawk, at least a little, or the pot of water boiling over as you try to pay attention to someone on the phone, or lyrics in a song as you try to type a presentation up. We are so inundated with stimulus, it can be hard to focus...really focus. I have been trying to make a point of, especially when on the phone with someone, not multi-tasking. How unfair to think that while you are talking to someone, they are doing a million other things, catching only every 5th word. And how nice to sit down and just talk...not flip through a magazine, not check emails, not clean, just listen and respond. I have been doing that lately, just sitting and talking, and it's really pretty cool to catch all the little details, not just the big picture. Funny how, even in conversation, it's often the little things that truly make the conversation come together. Just like in life..it's the little things.

Stimulus is great, exciting, keeps us guessing and on our toes. It reminds us of things, makes us forget things. But I think the key is to balance it with being in the moment. Be present.

Yes.

Be Present. It's amazing.

Explanation Impossible

2010-02-26T08:11:00.000-08:00

I recently stumbled upon a quote in a book that truly summed up things of late: "For those who understand, no explanation is necessary. For those who don't, none is possible."

I couldn't have said it better myself. There is truly no way to explain all elements and levels of the past few weeks, the interactions, the bonds. And even attempting to explain it would bastardize and cheat it.

My real life is spent in unexplainable moments. My fake life is what I do each day to get to my real life, to make my real life possible.

That's all.

Holy time fly

2010-02-12T08:20:00.000-08:00

I haven't even looked to see when the last time I posted was because I think it will shock me and then I'll be overwhelmed with catching up. I'm tired of having to get caught up. Today. That's it. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Today.

Today I'm psyched, pumped, a little stressed, a little overwhelmed, a little anticipatory. Ok I said no yesterday but I'm going to speak of yesterday in a reflexive way (not sure that's the best way to put it).

The symbolic "yesterday" here is going to mean a compilation of a few days. I have been truly enjoying my work lately, even though it's been some of the craziest, busiest, most stressful weeks. But you know when you feel so overwhelmed you don't even know where to start, but you are inspired so it almost feels fun? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

I enjoy people. I enjoy meeting them, interacting with them, learning about them. Especially when they bring something to the table. I had the privilege of meeting some truly amazing and interesting people in my last work adventure, people that made me feel truly lucky to do what I do. Of this group of people I met there were 3 in particular that really moved me. Although I am a fairly social person, I also have a tendency to need space after a significant amount of time with people, but these three people I couldn't get enough of. The connection shared was one that comes along so rarely you can't help but want to scoop it up in a jar and seal it off to keep it from getting tarnished. Believe me, I've been trying to do just that. The sad side is that we are split across the country. The good part is that we are all reuniting this weekend on this next work trip. I'm so overwhelmed and stressed and discombobulated right now but the thought of seeing them makes my heart smile. How lucky am I?

An interesting conversation was had in talking about how people's lives are all a series of different paths, and people come together and their lives are parallel for a period of time. Sometimes I think I'm so lucky to be given the opportunity to run parallel with so many different people because of my travel and such, but then I think...we were meant to run parallel, I just happen to have this job because it was the vehicle to do just that.

Who knows what is to come...perhaps the meaning of life.

Smile

2010-01-11T07:41:00.000-08:00

I have always been a big supporter of smiling and smiling often. Sometimes, though, reality gets in the way and we let difficulty or sadness or misfortune get in the way of smiling as often as we should. It's amazing how finding just one small thing even on the toughest of days to smile about can have a massive effect on your soul. I been making a big point of smiling more and finding the happiness in as much as I can. I am trying not to dwell on little things, trying not to let things get me down, trying to see the beauty in things I would walk past before, making of point of giving OTHER people a reason to smile every day. If I can do one thing for a stranger or other person every day to make them smile, I will have accomplished a new goal. Be it helping a neighbor dig out their car, helping someone with a lot in their hands, telling someone they look nice. I have caught myself doing this unconsciously lately and the ability to make someone else smile has been having a profound effect on me. I don't know if it's the new year or the cumulative effect of a very intense past year but I have felt more positive and happy lately then in a while. I have made myself stop complaining about the cold as much and embracing it. I am saying hello to strangers more and telling my friends I love them more. I am seeing the good in many more things. I am appreciating what I have and relishing the good things in my life. I am enjoying solidarity at times and internal peace. I am pushing out the negative and finding the positive. I am smiling.

I'm not sure what it is...being home for a while, being on a new work account, having a new year to reflect on the past year and realize all that it has meant to me, looking around me at all the beauty I'm surrounded in. Whatever it is, I like it and plan on keeping it going.

Find a reason to smile every day.

Out with the old, in with the new

2010-01-04T10:26:00.000-08:00

It is 2010, hard to believe. I don't even know where this past year went but it surely went quickly. Looking back and reflecting on 2009, my mind spins. It was an overflowing year. A year filled with challenges and victories, tragedies and comedies, sickness and health, love and loss. It was a year many things were put into perspective, many lessons learned, many emotions felt. It is also a year where I spent more of it traveling than not which was a whole secondary world and life.

Some highlights of 2009:
- My mother surviving and progressing every day
- Healthy beautiful babies of the Smith's and Kouri's
- Engagements and weddings of some dear friends
- My oldest sister, Alli, getting hitched and celebrating in Mexico
- Surprising my sis, Colleen, for her birthday
- Completing my first half marathon
- My promotion
- Madz my crazy cat I saved
- Getting to visit some amazing parts of the US and see old friends
- Winning a big award for a work account
- Falling back in love with snowboarding
- Mittens and chairlifts
- Seattle
- Making some great new friends
- Amazing ladies in my life

Now it is a new year, a new beginning, a refresh. Sometimes I think it's funny how we look at the turning of a new year as a fresh start...like we are only compelled to institute change on January 1st instead of immediately upon seeing a need for change. I guess sometimes we just need an impetus. Anywho.

Looking ahead at 2010 I have some goals in mind, some things I want to accomplish, things I want to work on, people I want to see. I am not sure if I'm going to make any actual resolutions...I think are a little overrated and I want to set goals all year, not just one day for the whole year. One thing that I do "resolve" to do though is making sure that I tell people how much they mean to me often. If 2009 taught me anything it's to say what you mean and mean what you say, and be sure people know you care about them, and not be afraid to tell new people your feelings towards them. You just never know.

To all my friends and family reading this, I love you all. Happy New Year! May 2010 be full of luck, laughter, love and life.

Where does the time go?

2009-11-05T13:11:00.000-08:00

Wow, I didn't even look at the date on my last entry because it would just be shocking or depressing, not sure which. Lucky for me, I don't have dispense life or death material so it's not a huge deal.

Let's see. The past few months have been pretty much monumental, a piece of my life that will forever be in my memory and that has permanently shaped me. I saw my family a ton this summer but under unfortunate circumstances that my Mum was in the hospital, as pretty much anyone who reads this knows. In an effort to keep a very rough event in it's place, I will not delve deeper except for this, a quote that sums up a lot: "The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain." Oh that and do not neglect telling people how much you care about them and love them...we do not control everything and you just really never know what the last thing you say to someone will be, so make it good.

On a lighter note, the improvements have been such that our whole family, Mum included, will be going to Mexico for Thanksgiving! And to celebrate my oldest sister getting married (via elopement in The Seychelles). I can't wait. Yes, the sun is a very high item on the list of what I'm psyched about but more so to see the fam.

Other than that, I've been in the same travel boat of living out of a suitcase more often than not. And although I've been home for a good 2 weeks (amazing how that seems like a treat to me), I am off again this weekend but for an amazing wedding weekend! Happy Wedding to the amazing Brierley Wright (soon to be Horton) and her wonderful fiance Andy Horton!!!! Black tie fun, here we come.

Up Next

2009-09-03T13:39:00.000-07:00

I feel like a broken record when I talk about my travel schedule and how often I'm on the road, and I thought this summer would feel different. Last summer I was literally gone 75+% of the time. Going into this summer I knew I'd be traveling for 8 or so days per month so figured it'd be much lighter. Well, some things came up that changed that and I, once again, feel like I live out of a suitcase. Actually, I pretty much DO live out of a suitcase, in airports, hotels and the likes.

Next up on the docket is Labor Day weekend in FL to spend time with my parents. This will be the first time in a while I'll be able to just pack a carry on bag. Crazy. I'll get back on Tuesday night and then 5 days later (just enough time to unpack, do laundry and repack!) I'll lug my giant suitcase back to the Burlington airport to head out west for 9 days in Salt Lake City for the 4th stop of the summer Dew Tour. I have never spent time in SLC (only in Park City one winter) so I'm excited to check the city out, hopefully find some good restaurants and watering holes, catch up w/my event friends and more. And even more exciting is Mini B is driving over from Aspen to work for me for the weekend. I have spent all summer with all guys (I guess there are worse things) but I've been dying for a female side-kick, partner in crime. And who better than Mini B! It will definitely add a lot to the weekend to have a close friend with me and someone to hang out w/during down time. Yahoo!

Time to get packing!

Two lives

2009-08-27T07:13:00.001-07:00

This is my only pet peeve with Blogs is you don't update for a few weeks and you are so far behind you either have to post a long winded update or just skip over things and start at the current day. Hmm. I'll spare anyone who actually reads my blog the pain of reading about the past 2 months and jump to today.

I've been essentially living 2 separate lives the past 5 weeks. One, my normal life...work, friends, work travel, gym, cooking, etc. The other a world you can never prepare for, a world you aren't sure is real sometimes. A world that made me realize how important people in your life are...the ones you love. Friends, family, significant others. How overly important it is to spend time with these people and tell them how much you care for and love them, no matter how suffocating it may seem.

5 weeks ago I found myself walking into a room that I can honestly say embodied the worst day of my life, an experience I don't wish on my worst enemy. It put a lot into perspective. It also put me in a tailspin of having many days that I am not sure I can get through and some I do but end with a full on breakdown. It has been a test...physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Like I said, two different lives. Sometimes I go through the normal life and almost pretend the other isn't there...almost as a protector to insure my sanity, to insure I don't completely lose it. Then I remind myself how important the other life is in relation to my regular life...how it translates into what I was saying above about people.

I have learned about 1,000,000 things in the past 5 weeks but I think the most important one is to love the people in your life, love them fully and let them know it. Don't hold back, don't regret not saying things, not calling someone, not hugging someone, not spending time with someone. How lucky to be able to have people, friends, family you love. I am pretty sure that this experience has allowed me to more wholly love and care for people and that has truly been the thing getting me through many days.

Love the ones you are with.

The Rain in Spain

2009-07-08T10:40:00.000-07:00

At least if it were the rain in Spain, I'd be in Spain. Ever since I returned from Chicago, it has been a non-stop deluge of rain, minus one sunny day over the weekend. I honestly don't know how it can rain this much short of living in a RAINforest. It is wearing on me, grating at my last nerve, causing me to lose motivation to be active or social or heck, even fun! I dig a good lightening and thunderstorm every once in a while...a good excuse to curl up on the couch with a good book all day. But every day, can't handle it. I'm a sun baby. I spent 19 of my 26 years in places that saw over 300 days of sun a year. And when it rained, it rained for an hour then the sun came back out to warm the ground and bring the smiles back to our faces.

The rain has been an added element to many big things going on in my head. It has sort of been the icing on a cake that is still in the oven, but almost ready to come out. This cake, it has been an intricate recipe, many ingrediants that needed to be handled in a very specific way so as not to upset the overall balance of the cake and flavors. I think I've gotten it right this time. When the cake is done and ready, I think it will be almost too pretty to eat, almost too good, but I have a feeling it might be the best cake yet. And if the recipe still isn't quite right, it will be very obvious...I won't be able to eat the cake just yet and will have to try again in the future.

We shall see....things to come.

Danger Zone

2009-07-01T19:52:00.001-07:00

Ok. I'm going to go totally out of order in the next few posts.

One of my favorite movies is "Top Gun". Sort of cliche, but I just love it, for many reasons. Granted, the shirtless volleyball scene puts it over the top, but there are other reasons. Anywho. I had a flash of that movie tonight as I was thinking of the words "Danger Zone" in my head. In the movie Tom Cruise finds himself in multiple "Danger Zones" and sometimes he could opt out, walk away, make another choice but he decides to stay on the path he's on...and it works out. Yes, it's a fictional work of Hollywood. But does pop culture always have to be so far off? I am in a Danger Zone of sorts. I realize I should change course, pick a different route, maybe even turn around completely. But something is telling me not to. Things keep falling into my lap that leave me almost no option but to continue into the Danger Zone. It could be bad. It could be unwise. It could be harmful. It could make things hard on me. But I can't choose another course, not just yet.

I have always said "The biggest regrets in life are the risks you didn't take" and I feel like only recently I started living by this motto. Yes. It often leads you into the lions den, into the Danger Zone, into unchartered territory. Often times it ends in upset, pain, confusion, distress. But I am trying to continue that vow to life without regret, to risk, to try. Maybe, just maybe, it will eventually lead to greatness, not pain or confusion. Sometimes you have to ignore the obvious, ignore things existing outside of the immediate and just pay attention to what's happening right in front of you, right to you, right now. Life is a series of circumstances. It's how we choose to perceive them, that I think truly affects their outcome. And again, I think when it comes to risk and regret, in the words of the Doors, "I do not regret the things I've done, but those I did not do".

I'm on a highway to the Danger Zone.

Blip in the Radar

2009-06-10T11:32:00.001-07:00

Funny how right when things seem to be going so well, it's almost inevitable for a little blip in the radar to appear. I sometimes wonder if it happens to knock some reality back into you, remind you that there will always be roadblocks, difficulty, and not let you get to comfortable in grandeur of things. I am not sure what it is, but I feel totally out of my skin. I can't sit still, I feel like I could blow my lid at any minute, I want to punch a wall, curl up in my room, run until I can't feel my legs, disappear for a few days. There's a cumulation of things...our offices are moving Monday, I fly out for my big event in a week, work is crazy and unpredictable, people are inconsistent and confusing, my hamstring is acting up, my apartment needs to be cleaned, I miss my sisters and parents. Wow...talk about a "waaaaah" fest. My old office mate would say to me, "Someone call the WAAAAHmbulance!" I need a good dose of laughter and a great surprise to shake me out of this funk. I hate funks. I'm a bit of a control freak so when things get out of my control, or I wake up feeling off and can't pinpoint what it is, therefore how to fix it, I get antsy and frustrated. I need a remedy but I don't know the ailment. I know one part of the ailment, but I can't control it....what if a doctor said to you, after you explain your symptoms, "yeah...I know exactly what you have but sadly I have no idea how to fix it or make it feel better.". Brutal. I may have to go dark for a few days, decompress. I am definitely looking forward to heading off to Chicago in a week, gone for 10 days. I'll be totally busy the whole time, distracted, unable to think about stupid stuff, focus on what I've been working on for the past few months, see some friends, make some new ones. I need an escape. I need a massage. I need a glass of wine...or three.

The Past Reflects Eternally Between Two Mirrors...

2009-06-08T07:54:00.000-07:00

I am completely addicted to this new book I'm reading - Shantaram. I'm entranced. Enthralled. Engrossed. Enveloped. I have two other books, scratch that, three that I'm supposed to have done by next week, one of which I am the host for and I can't seem to pick them up in lieu of this book.

I am a total nerd, especially when it comes to reading. One of my tendencies is that I dog ear pages and underline key phrases/quotes. This book is quickly becoming a series of dog ears. I swear, every other page has a profound statement, and they are beginning to truly affect me. One of my favorites is part of this blog entries title: "The past reflects eternally between two mirrors - the bright mirror of words and deeds, and the dark one, full of things we didn't do or say."

I try to live by a similar quip - "I do not regret the things I've done, but those I did not do." It's definitely easier said than done, but if you can do it, if you can live that way, the rewards far beat the risks associated with having regret of things undone or unsaid.

A new situation I have found myself in has really pushed me to follow this...to look at that mirror of the past and remind myself, today is the day, the day to not hold back, to not sally out, to not tip toe around. Today is the day to go for it, to take a risk, to take a bit of a leap of faith b/c I have nothing to lose except regret of not trying with all my might.

The other amazing part about this book, besides the general story and amazing quotes is that it is making me HUNGRY to travel, specifically to India. I can't express how badly I wish I could just take off for a few months and travel, explore. It's so in my heart, in my soul, the desire. I know I eventually will take a "sabbatical" from life and do it...perhaps it just isn't the right time. Perhaps my time will be when I meet that "someone" and we do it together, an adventure to begin a journey of life together. Who knows. All I know is winds are changing, things are stirring, and I dig it. And I refuse to let moments pass...I refuse to look at the mirror of my recent and soon to be past and see the dark mirror. It's a gift, hold on to it as long as it will let you.

Dawning

2009-06-01T18:38:00.000-07:00

It can be really hard sometimes to not get ahead of ourselves, but sometimes the feeling is too great to just ignore it and not get a bit carried away.

Beginnings. I have always had mixed feelings about beginnings of anything because it’s the most uncertain point of something new. Be it a move, a job, a friend, a lover, a pet. You have no idea how the next day will be, if it will be better or worse than the current, if it will end up only getting more amazing with each passing minute, if it’s destined to be something greater, something with even more meaning that you originally imagined. I think humans, as a species, are raised to feel uncomfortable with this sort of new uncertainty, we want to know what’s ahead so we can plan. But that, in and of itself, can ruin the innocence of a beginning, can rob it of it’s purity which, in the end, will be what leads it to something greater. Letting it be what it will be, in that day, that instant, without worrying about the next day or moment will hold.

Sometimes it’s hard to make sure we don’t get in the way of ourselves, that we take the moment for the moment and live fully in it. But when you can do that, especially in the case of beginnings, it is so rewarding, so fulfilling, so great. Surrendering yourself to a circumstance, it’s invigorating. You leave it without regret, without what-ifs, what could-haves. So how do you know if a moment, part of a beginning has been a success, beyond the gut feeling, that slight nausea of greatness? Sometimes you take a quick glance back at the moment and you see it looking right back at you...then you know...it agrees.

It Starts

2009-05-20T08:47:00.000-07:00

Somehow, every year, I forget that summer is my crazy season. Ok that's kind of a lie...every season is my busy season. But summer is when my work travel goes into high gear, and my life in general seems to become packed with things to do, places to go, people to see, projects to complete.

Now, if you were witness to my work travel schedule last summer, you will understand how excited I am to report that this summer will be MUCH lighter. Ok, it is still a lot for people who never travel for work but considering last summer I was home about, oh, 4-8 days max a month, it's a major improvement. I will be gone about 7-9 days a month from now until the end of the year, managing my clients presence at the Dew Action Sports Tour. It will be long, hard working days but the locations are great and I have friends in most of the cities. I also know a lot of people on the tour and haven't seen them in a few years so it will be great to have a monthly reunion. My tour of duty will take me to Chicago, Boston, Portland OR, Salt Lake City and Orlando. Not bad spots. I'll be making a quick stop in Seattle next weekend too for a Zumiez Couch Tour event...I've never been to Seattle so I'm excited to check it out, although I've been told to skip the Space Needle, it's the Pee-Wee squad of high towers. I will for sure be taking a ride on a ferry though.

Besides work, I feel like summer consists of little weekend trips to see friends or hit the beach, Saturday farmers markets, BBQ's, pool parties, boating, the plethora of races I want to do, concerts on the lawn, bookclub, dinner parties and more. Not to mention wanting to take a dance class and finish my photography website. Does it ever end?

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I weren't constantly busy. Like, what do people do when they don't have plans? Ok...I have free nights and weekends (it's like a cellphone commercial) every so often, and believe me, I cherish them. But sometimes I think, you never know what's around the corner, and you certainly aren't going to find out by doing nothing.

Viva La Summer!

It's Almost Ready!

2009-05-01T11:23:00.001-07:00

So, I have been working on a website the past week or two, specifically for my photos. It's nothing super fancy, but it's pretty cool for a first time, no programming background website if you ask me. Amen to Mac's iWeb...seriously, genius. I am really excited to launch in it hopes of it helping me at least be inspired to keep up with my photography more regularly, and ideally get me some shows and/or sales of prints. I will post the website as soon as it's officially live.

I like feeling inspired about something I love. Sometimes I forget, and then something ignites that passion that lives deep within me. Photography is absolutely that, and I've become more inspired recently. I've become inspired to pursue it more, and more importantly, to do it more. I really want a new lens. I really want more trips to continue to inspire me. I really want to become more brave with photographing people. Goals are good. Inspiration is great. Together they are a wonderful pair I believe.

URL to come. Stay tuned!

Music to my ears

2009-04-29T11:36:00.000-07:00

I got into a conversation earlier this week with someone about music. I have conversations with people about everything under the sun, but I can't remember the last time music was the topic of the hour. It was a surprising conversation in that it involved the kind of substance I'd more often expect in a discussion of politics or art. Don't you love when that happens? You get sneak-attacked conversationally.

Beethoven said, "Music is the mediator between the spiritual and the sensual life". I am horrible with song lyrics...actually, I'm worse with song names and artists. I listen to music for the melody, the beat, the notes. Lyrics are a total afterthought for me. I have come to realize that people are generally either a lyrics person or a melody person. Some people qualify a song as "great" based on the words it preaches, others on the notes it sends dancing through the air. Again, I'm absolutely a melody person. I think it may have to do with the fact I was trained in classical piano for over 10 years so my ear is based purely on notes.

When a song I like comes on, I swear, my heart skips a beat when those first notes play, or when the first chorus plays. It sends flutters down my spine...almost like the feeling of a soft kiss...sensual and spiritual. I guess Beethoven was on to something there.

Some songs of the moment for me:

- "Train Song" by Feist and Ben Gibbard

- "Bruises" by Chairlift

- "Skinny Love" by Bon Iver

- "Hide & Seek" Morgan Page remix (Imogen Heap)

- "The Funeral" by Band of Horses

- "I'm Yours" (acoustic version) by Jason Mraz (I just came from a wedding, it rubbed off a bit)

I'm curiously to hear some other people's songs-of-the-week...I always love to find new music.

This and that

2009-04-22T08:04:00.000-07:00

This is the problem with not posting regularly...I feel like I have to do a "catch-up" posting versus something more specific...a theme or story or whatever. Alas.

Things of late. Well, a very exciting addition to my apartment/life...a kitten!!! She's my little button. Her name is not 100% confirmed but it's looking like it may be Maddalena...Lena or Madz for short. I was watching La Dolce Vita the day before I got her so that name was stuck in my mind, and then I googled it and turns out, it's also an island near Corsica that is only accessible via boat...kind of a cool tie-in since I had to take a boat to go get my little one. She has 2 settings...snuggle-bug and crazy kitty. It's pretty entertaining.

I also recently got back from a week vacation in Mexico. I rarely take vacations where I actually "vacate", relax, chill out. I am usually travel-book in tow, pages dog-eared of monuments and sights and cities I want to visit...days packed with adventure and to-do's. This, however, was a week filled with lazying on a very nice yacht, dingy-ing into a cute little island to lay on the beach and drink margaritas and eat guacamole and get tan. Ok..in all fairness, I did have on item on the "agenda"...finishing my diving certification. I had 4 open water check-out dives to go and despite a quickly forming sinus infection, I got them done...I'm now a certified diver!! I will do another post about that shortly.

We just finished a book for bookclub - Mudbound. It was quite good but also sobering in being reminded of segregation and racism only a few decades ago. The conversation was great, as usual, and we all shared stories of modern day prejudism. It's crazy that although we have evolved significantly from the days of lynching and back-of-the-bus, there are still ignorant people out there who know no different. It's sad really.

Tomorrow I am on a plane, yet again. I think this will be 3 times in one month. This time to a wedding in FL. A very important wedding. The wedding of my best guy friend from college. A person who knows me so well, after being apart for over 4 years, he still remembers what kind of alcohol I like and bought a bottle to have in the house we'll be staying in. What a guy. Alas...another one to take the plunge. I'm psyched to see all my college boys though...it seems like a million lives ago, my world was so intimately woven with theirs.

Happy Wednesday!

The Good

2009-04-17T12:44:00.000-07:00

The other day my friend Brianna posted the below that she had received from her mom and I thought it was really great, and something that I would like to read every morning as a reminder. Sometimes I think we spend so much time looking at the negative things, we miss the positives, or we look so far ahead, we miss what's right in front of us, happening at this very moment. Sometimes I feel like I want to move, right now, this instant, pick up and start new. I eventually will, but I have to remind myself that if it's not happening today, or tomorrow, I need to look right around me and enjoy what I have now, here, in this moment and place b/c there's so much that is great...sometimes it just gets muddied by visions of what can be or might be in the future.

I might just have to print this list out and put it somewhere I will see every day. It'd be a great way to start each day.

MAYBE:

Maybe… we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe… when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.

Maybe… it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe… the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe… the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.

Maybe… you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.

Maybe… there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child -- so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.

Maybe… the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

Maybe… you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.

Maybe… you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.

Maybe… giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe… happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

Maybe… you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Maybe… you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.

Maybe… you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you crying.

La Isla...Mujeres!

2009-04-01T08:04:00.001-07:00

This time on Saturday, I will be halfway to Mexico! Ahhh I'm SO excited! It has been many many months since I have been in the presence of a powerful sun, sand and relaxation (OK...I guess Thailand was only 4.5 months ago but for me, that's long!). I will be landing in Cancun, hopping a ferry over to Isla Mujeres and climbing aboard my sisters new home...her fiance's boat. Rough life, eh? Not sure of our exact plan, which is totally cool with me...I need an escape from planning and order, organization and precision. Give me spontaneity and adventure!

We'll be starting here:

(the stinking photo upload isn't working so the link will have to suffice until it is fixed)

We may hang out there and do some diving, or we may take the boat back to Puerto Aventuras where it "lives", dive, sunbathe and so on. We may take a quick trip down to Honduras and/or Roatan...who knows!

My travel itch is about to be scratched. I MUST get away every few months, see a new part of the world, explore. Part of me finds it a little odd to be going somewhere with the main purpose being to relax and lay in the sun (oh and do my open water check out dives). I'm used to traveling places laiden with history and culture, sights and sounds...packing a million things into 2 weeks, hopping trains, planes and automobiles to see it all! Maybe I'll check out some of the Mayan ruins, just to tap into that a bit. I will for sure be taking a bunch of photos...I am envisioning this as being a good trip for portraits and lifestyle shots...my favorite and my speciality. Other than that my MO is to overdose on Vitamin D, drink some legit margaritas, have a Mexican food glutton fest, relax and disconnect, and hang with my sis and future bro-in-law #2!!! Ahhh Mehico! (insert finger snap Mexican dance move thing :-) )

Maybe, just maybe, I'll allow myself a little bit of connection to the real world and do a little mid-trip posting...just to tease you all stuck in the winter-to-spring transition of gloom. I know, I'm an evil one...See you all in mid-April!

Blog Lovin'

2009-03-30T06:19:00.001-07:00

Follow my blog with bloglovin´

This might inspire me to get more creative on my blog...Step 1) Join BlogLovin'. Step 2) Add me to your "follow list". Step 3) Enjoy the life of blog-reading-addiction :-)

Cheers!

Blog-a-palooza

2009-03-27T06:52:00.001-07:00

Ok. Now, I must admit, I wish I could come up with a creative and unique enough blog to get a plethora of loyal followers (more than just you Soe...but of course I love and am honored that you read this one!). I myself, am a blog-lover. I get to work in the morning and as my email is booting up, I check in on my favorite blogs. It's like a Blog-A-Palooza every morning for me. I have a slew of favorites, the majority of them being fashion blogs. And most recently, one of my blogs introduced me to the magic of Bloglovin' ...a brilliant little thing for people like me who not only frequent many a blog, but are also major organizers and love streamlining things. Check it out.

Here are my morning regulars:

On a weekly basis I also check-in on my dear friend Isaac, see what craziness he has been up to.

I just recently discovered the last two (Garance and NAST) and they are awesome. I love perusing these fashion blogs...getting inspired yet also feeling like I need to take a little more time and put a little more thought into my outfits each day. If only I could get up when my first alarm goes off...I'd have the time to actually think about my outfits a little bit more. I try to at least look well put together, but the images on these fashion blogs show true creativity and innovation in fashion, things I admire and strive toward. I think Soe should be pictured on some of these blogs as she is a first hand inspiration to creativity in fashion, although I'm not sure she knows that!

Viva la Blog-a-Palooza!

Remembering

2009-03-25T09:28:00.000-07:00

My grandmother passed away this last weekend.We found out Friday that she was being moved to Hospice on Saturday so my sisters and I decided to go down, say our goodbyes and be with there to support my dad and grandpa. She ended up passing away early Saturday morning before we arrived, and before she was transported. In many ways this was best. I was so glad we had decided to go down...being there for my dad was huge, and I know meant the world to him and my grandfather. It was so hard though. I remember how hard it was when my mom's mother died, seeing my mom broken down. There's something, however, about a father and grandfather breaking down that hits a different nerve. My dad. The figure of strength. Seeing him cry broke my heart. Seeing my grandfather also crushed me.

A loved one passing brings up so many thoughts. Thoughts about things I would have liked her to experience in my life, things I wish I had said or said more often. I have to stop and remind myself to not dwell on the unsaids and undones, but to remember the good things, the fun times, the things we DID say and do. My grandma got to experience so many great things in my life and we had so many great times together, that is what is important.

Some great things about my grandma, great times we shared:

- Staying with them while my parents moved...playing with their laundry chute and sweet basement bar

- Her jokes, humor and sass

- Her honesty and openness

- A modern woman, despite growing up in a time of female oppression

- The way purple looked on her

- The great legs that she passed down to me...and her genetics in general

- The way she loved me, everything about me

- Her teaching us how to play cards

There are so many others, little things that remind me of here her and there. I will take those with me, not the thoughts of coulda, shoulda, woulda. I think I may, one day, utilize her maiden name as a middle name for one of my children.

All my love, rest in peace Grammie Doris.

Movies

2009-03-09T07:33:00.000-07:00

So, I saw 2 movies yesterday...yes, 2 in one day. One in the AM when I was feeling especially lazy, one at night w/Miss Beers when we felt like we needed to get out of our houses.

Movie #1: Vicky Cristina Barcelona. My score - 4.5 stars. I loved it. A bunch of people had told me about it and how much they liked it but I have no idea what the basis of the plot was so I went into it only knowing people had liked it.

Movie #2: He's Just Not That Into You. My score - 2.5. It was a fine Sunday evening, mindless flick and was of value for that but I found some of it to be so outrageous...and maybe part of it was coming off of watching a really good movie.

Movie #1 was one of those films that was not just well done, well cast, well scripted, well executed and with a good plot. It also left me with some personal reflections. I won't ruin the movie in case you haven't seen it but one of the things that stuck out so much was the passion from the main male character. Passion in all senses. And a "no holds barred" attitude toward life. He loved openly and outwardly, unafraid and uninhibited. He gave to his art, he was interested in the world, he was just plain passionate. It was inspiring really. Especially when contrasted with Movie #2. Movie #2 made it seem like all single people are miserable and would choose to be otherwise if they could, which I find rather ridiculous. And the desperation of some of the female characters was, quite honestly, annoying. Again, contrasting it with Movie #1 where the characters loved so openly and without reservation and then Movie #2 was your typical American love...game playing, rules, proper "steps" taken.

Why is it that we have been trained to be so systematic about love and relationships? Why can't we just throw our passion out there...not recklessly, not pointlessly, but when we feel something, express it openly and fully? I guess we can, I can, but it's the reactions that will be interesting as we are all so pre-programmed.

Go rent Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Ladies, enjoy the leading man. Men, enjoy Penelope Cruz. Not a bad looking cast.

A Funk

2009-03-09T06:49:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it's the weird in-between-seasons weather or the fact I am not in a class so actually have some free time or if it's something else but I feel like I'm in a funk...no, I know I am. Things don't feel as smooth currently. My insomnia is back in full force which totally sucks. I have taken Ambien 3 nights in a row and even that barely worked. Arg. I wish I could convey how frustrating real insomnia is. Some people can't fall asleep sometimes or can't go to bed early but it's nothing like having lived with off and on insomnia for the better part of 10 years. I have tried everything...routine, yoga, meditation, natural sleep aids, Tylenol PM. Nothing works and a prescription from a Doctor is the only partial help I have found yet. Last night I fell asleep on the couch so I woke up and moved to the bed, but I could already tell an Ambien was in order. I think that's the worst part about it is when I KNOW it's going to be a full-on insomniac night...that thought alone stresses me out which surely doesn't help bring on sleep.

It also doesn't help that I've had a lot on my mind the past few days. Encounters, check lists, events, confusion. It bogs me down. I can't concentrate. I can't sleep. I can't plan. I can't organize. It's making me a little batty. Today I just wanted to stay in bed all day, hide from the world. The snow was softly falling onto what had been a totally snow free ground. I could almost hear the silence of it through the windows. I really wanted to just curl up and hide.

Thankfully the girls are coming over tonight...usually they can get me out of a funk, at least for a few hours. It's always when things seem to be s great, then a funk sneaks up on you and snatches your glow right out from under you.

Je Ne Sais Quoi

2009-03-04T06:51:00.001-08:00

Soe has this book that I've been eyeing for a long time - Entre Nous; A Woman's Guide to Finding Her Inner French Girl. I finally broke down and bought my own copy and I'm so glad I did. I have been reading it just before bed each night, and then while I'm eating breakfast in the morning. The funny thing about this book is it makes me think that perhaps I was French in a past life...so much of it is me already. I love it though...such great messages about cultivating your own time and own self, saying No, being discrete and not wearing your heart on your sleeve, bringing intellect and inspiration to conversations versus just gossip and 1-dimensional input, reading, enjoying wine, baking your own bread, exploring and doing, always being put together and presentable, on and on. I mean, they must be on to something because it is so true...French women do have that je ne sais quoi and it's so seductive in all meanings of the word.

I was raised in a very European and French way. Things like never leaving the house looking unkempt or not put together (tshirts and sweats were NEVER ok outside of the comfort of our own home...even then, they are rare to be seen at the Zaner household). Eating dinner together as a family. Not being given a zillion toys as a kid, but being given a few and then encouraged to fill the time with our imaginations. Also keeping our child lives in our rooms, not cluttering the entire house with toys and stuff. Exercising strength and discretion. Utilizing time with friends and family to discuss a wide variety of topics, discuss art and music, politics and literature, life and love. Being taught early on to cultivate our own lives and do things to enrich our personal lives and not conforming to social norms. Cooking. Reading. Art. Music. I'm not sure where my parents learned that way of raising us seeing as only my Dad had been outside of the United States, and not for very long, but they truly did raise us in a very European/French way. We continue to live that way, and I know that's where I get it. When I am home, we all gather in the kitchen and cook and drink wine, talk about all sorts of things. We dress up for dinner most of the time, we never leave the house in the clothing we did gardening in, we spend time alone even when in the presence of each other. I realize that it won't be that hard for me to choose a style to raise a family, as I like the way I was raised. Granted, I may do the European/French style of raising but actually IN Europe. But let's not get too ahead of ourselves here :-).

Joie de Vivre.

Hibernation

2009-02-23T07:07:00.001-08:00

Winter. Hibernation. Some animals know what's up. I have been going non-stop for the past 3 weeks, not a minute of downtime, literally. It's been exhilarating but also exhausting. This past weekend I was home with no major plans and it was just what I needed. I did dinner and movie w/the old roomie Friday night (Shopaholic...made me want to go shopping), then to bed before midnight. Saturday met some friends for coffee, shopping with Jill (bad girl Lauren, bad bad girl), the purchase of a new amazing staple accessory...a classic, designer piece that every fashionable woman should own. Some other small items. Hot shoes on major sale...something I wouldn't normally get but have always wanted to try out Lunch w/Caroline and her sister, bro-in-law and niece. Great people. Some Nintendo, old school style. I'm the WORST at duck hunter...I mean, terrible. Started on some initial stages of cleaning my horrendously disorganized apartment. Then to Becksters for some delicious whole-wheat crust veggie pizza from Leonardos, salad and wine and then the movie "The Changeling"...SOO good. Seriously, go rent it. Intense.

Sunday was one of those days that felt perfect to me in the lamest way. Woke at a reasonable hour to crack my door just enough to retrieve my Sunday NYTimes. The whoosh of the espresso machine, steaming the milk, brewing the espresso. Warm toast. Some fresh snow. The morning was spent reading the paper, then starting on reading the bookclub book for this Wednesday - Beautiful Boy. A rough Skype conversation that left me in tears. Then the cleaning began. First unpacking of the NYC bag...a week later. Then hanging up the new clothes and plucking a few old pieces that need to be donated. Laundry. Trash. Vacuuming and mopping. Bathroom scrubbing. Dishes. Then the daunting task of the mile high pile of mail, catalogs, bills from the past month. A quick trip to Homeport for a letter organizer. Michaels for cork board. City Market for dinner supplies. Back home to yet more organization. I put cork board on the inside of my closet door to tack up inspiring images, outfits, colors, etc. I love it already. You know when you see a great outfit in a magazine but then quickly forget it? Not anymore...snip snip snip and on the board it goes. I'm feeling clothing inspired. Then more reading. I'm addicted to the book, which is funny because it's about addiction. Ignoring of phone calls. Ignoring of invites to hang out. Skipping the gym. Cooking a big lasagna for the week, cutting up fresh fruit for breakfast. Sex and the City while eating the delicious veggie lasagna. More reading, and stiill more reading in bed then drifting into slumber with some bizarre dreams I can no longer remember. Waking up today to a beautiful, clean, fresh smelling, organized apartment. Heaven.

There's something about a day where I don't converse with anyone. Where I don't interact with anyone. Where I do things I need to do. I hibernate in the comfort of my warm apartment, listening to soft jazz or classical or French music, smelling the fresh candle or food baking in the oven, watching snow fall. It was rejuvenating after a long 3 weeks of chaos. And to wake up to all that I had done yesterday was a great way to start the week. Happy Monday!

Revival

2009-02-19T11:32:00.000-08:00

New York, New York. I have begun to realize that every time I go to the city, I love it even more. I go there looking for a little excitement, a battery recharge, an energy boost and I always leave satisfied while longing for more of it! I've spent my whole life testing many things out, going many places, challenging myself, seeing what's around different corners. Despite loving my small, beautiful, Vermont town, sometimes I feel like I've run out of corners to look around, rocks to turn over. I need stimulation, adventure, excitement. I shun complacency yet when there isn't always some form of new stimulation, it can happen to the best of us.

New York always provides me with so much. I love culture...art, music, history, theater. Every time I go there I go to at least one gallery or museum and it is always so amazing. Even if I don't love the art or exhibit, just being exposed to it is so great. Then there is the the general buzz of the city. Putting my iPod on, strolling through the busy sidewalks, wandering the Union Square farmers market, waiting patiently on a subway platform.

You know when a subway train comes rolling into the stop and you feel that big rush of air hit you, that rolling energy from down the tunnel? That's how I feel when I step onto the streets of New York for a long weekend...a rush of energy, power.

This particular trip included some added highlights. I got to see some great friends while down there, people who I always have such great conversations with, such great connections with, so much fun with. Then we went to visit my sisters good friend from home, Ben...an evening at a very exclusive, members only club in the MeatPacking District (the Soho House). We got into the elevator, rode to the 5th floor, and upon hearing the ding of the doors opening, we walked into a room of amazement...the most beautiful male specimens I think we'd ever seen in one space at one time. We exclaimed..."we found them!!" No wonder it was a gay party. Perfect though...such nice men, and the visual portion of it, outstanding.

Sunday included some delicious Dim Sum followed by a failed attempt at ice skating in Central Park. One day I WILL get to ice skate in Central Park!!! Some shopping and beers with Dom and then off to yet another form of heaven. Ben's boyfriend got us into a NY Fashion Week fashion show!!! If you know me well, you know that this is like my personal mecca, my personal heaven. It wasn't a main Bryant Park event but it was still incredible. The designer, Carlos Campos, had some really interesting pieces..my particular favorite was a woman's one piece "suit" where the bottom portion ended in a bathing suit fashion (i.e. no pants, underwear type bottom) and then the sheer tights w/thigh high designs on them. So great. We had 2nd row seats just behind Tyson Beckford. I felt like I'd died and gone to fashion heaven...I couldn't believe I'd gotten to a show! I think I need to work in fashion...something about it makes me tingle all over.

On that note. Another favorite about New York is the ability to wear whatever you want!

It's amazing. I brought a few of those outfits that I gaze at in my closet and think, Burlington isn't exactly the appropriate location for this...when will I get to wear it!?? NYC, anything goes. I wore the dress to the right to the gay Valentines Day party and it was a show-stopper...and you know it's a winner when gay men praise it!! Then there was the fashion show...talk about no-pressure to wear something great. I pulled on my trusty black skin tight turtleneck dress, black sheer tights, over the knee black socks and my fave boots...topped off with my favorite mass of necklaces. So much fun to rock fun, slightly over the top outfits!! My mom was actually the one who pushed me to get the pink and black Herve Leger-esque dress...talk about good taste!

Oh New York, I love thee so. Until next time...

Under the Sea...or Pool more accurately

2009-02-12T06:47:00.000-08:00

So, I have been, still, crazy busy. Work is starting to even out a little bit but I have been working towards my Scuba certification which has been consuming my free time. The first week of class was last week and we met twice from 5:30-9:30pm...after a full day of work. Two hours in a classroom, two hours in the pool each class. In an attempt to finish the program sooner, the instructors have added a class this week and next so we finish a week early...which means that this week and next I spend 3 nights in a row in class..two hours in class, over two hours in a pool. It is intense...and exhausting. Leaving the house at 8:30am and getting home at 10pm is taking it's toll. BUT, it's awesome...I'm so excited to be getting certified.

Currently we look like this:

No, this isn't my actual class. But we spend a lot of time on the bottom of the YMCA pool (which FYI is nasty...so nasty. I'm so glad I have something in my mouth and my nose covered to keep the water out of my system). Last night was our first night using the tanks and regulators...so great. There is nothing like the feeling of floating, neutrally buoyant, underwater and being able to breath regularly. Some people have been having a hard time with it, find it really unnatural and uncomfortable. I'm not sure if it's because I've dove before, but I really love it. Now if only our instructor was a little more light-hearted...he's so serious and kind of stern. Everyone in my class is cool and fun and we like to joke around but our instructor, not so much. All business. And when you end a long work day by spending 4 hours with him, it can be tough. I'm just glad the other "students" are cool.

There is a father and his 8th grade daughter, a high school boy, a guy around my age, a girl my age who is a UVM field hockey assistant coach and then this really fun, cool couple in their mid-30's. They are hilarious. It's really fun meeting and getting to know these people. Granted, two of them know people I know but still, new people that I would normally never meet but that are really fun and neat people. I hope to keep in touch with them after this is over.

Back in the pool tonight for more work with the regulators. The craziest thing I think we've learned to do is to fill our masks with water and clear it while remaining underwater, as well as taking our masks completely off, replacing them and clearing them underwater. I was pretty worried about this skill but it isn't bad...and pretty bad-ass to be able to do it! Other than that, have had some issues with getting my weight balance correct - first I was like a lead stick, last night I was too light. There really is a lot of science behind Scuba...which makes me love it even more.

The best part about all of this is that once I finish this class and go do my open water dives in Mexico with my sis and get my actual certification, I am certified for life and can dive anywhere in the world. How awesome is that?? I will get to explore the beautiful and amazing underwater miracles anytime, anywhere. Viva La Scuba!!!

36 Hours

2009-01-22T11:42:00.000-08:00

I used to always say that I like to have 36 hours of things to do in a 24 hour day. Basically, I don't like being bored, because when I am bored, I do absolutely nothing of value. I get sucked into the black hole and hang out there. Whereas when I'm busy, I tend to thrive, go mach-10 and cruise through it. It is nice to sometimes have those down times, totally open days, weekends, even a week of it just to recharge, finish that book, etc.

Right now I'm definitely NOT in one of those boredom black holes. I am full-speed-ahead, 36 hours of things to do in my 24 hour days. Some of it is voluntary, overbooking my social calendar, taking on volunteer opportunities, signing up for a 2nd bookclub, getting ready to start PADI certification which will be twice a week from 5:30-9:30pm for a month. Then there's work. Two clients. One project launching on Monday. They've got me by the proverbial balls, challenging my tolerance and resilience every single day. I think back to past accounts that were tough and stressful and they are like the JV version of what I'm dealing with now. This may sound like a negative rant, but the truth of it is, I'm learning more now than ever...despite my blood pressure being higher the past 4 months than it's ever been, despite the insomnia returning b/c I can't shut off the work to-do lists, despite somedays feeling powerless, it's also exhilerating. I'm growing so much as a professional, who can complain about that?!?

The rest of it, the voluntary crazyness...some days I think, I should say no to this or that, I should skip the gym, I should ignore the stacks of personal emails. But then I think, these are the benefits of a long day...relaxing with friends over good food and wine, pounding the pavement (or treadmill or indoor track) to release the stresses of the day, diving into the pool to freestyle my way to relaxation, getting ready to start a course and get certified to scuba dive anywhere in the world, volunteering with a local NPO for a big event this spring. It's all rewarding in their own ways, all fulfilling after a long day. It can seem tedious sometimes, thinking about how I really just want to go sit on my couch and do nothing...but then I remind myself, there's a whole lot of time for nothing when we're 6 feet under.

Just think...when you are having a long, hard day or a schedule that seems more full than humanely possible...if you weren't busy during the day you'd be jobless, if you weren't overbooked you'd be friendless, hobbyless, interest-less. Amen to being none of that.

Triggers

2009-01-12T12:47:00.000-08:00

Memory is such an awesome thing. I love when something triggers a very distinct memory...a smell, a song, a sight. Right now I'm listening to internet radio and the song "If I Had Eyes" by Jack Johnson just came on and I immediately was transported to "The Beach", a bungalow "resort" on Ko Phi Phi in Thailand. My sister and I discovered it a day or two into being on the island and they played JJ on repeat, which we loved (the music at some of the other daytime oceanfront watering holes, not good). I can picture us sitting on stools at the outdoor tiki bar, sipping what started out as a horrible mojito, but turned into a good one after we worked our cocktail magic. I can picture another afternoon there, Mai Tai in hand, lounging on the sun chaise, watching the longtails come in and out, gazing at Phi Phi Ley, watching the sun change the colors of the crystal waters.

I love that. Memory triggers. Smells and songs get me the most. If I smell honeysuckle, I'm immediately walking on campus at University of Florida. When I smell the original, fruit punch flavor of Minute Maid frozen juice mix, I'm transported to the driveway of our house in Hawaii. The song "What's Luv" by Fat Joe takes me back to this big party we held after campaiging for weeks for my friend who was running for student body president. The details of that songs involvement cannot be divulged, but it was a fun enough night to make me smile when I hear that night. Snow falling reminds me of certain words said, and of a night of coffee and the threat of a giant snowball.

I hope these triggers never go away. I hope one day, when I'm 95, that Jack Johnson song comes on and I'm once again transported back to Thailand.

Out with the old, in with the new...year that is!

2009-01-02T09:24:00.001-08:00

Holy crap I've been horrible at blogging lately. Slacker city. But it's a new year, 2009, so I figure it's high time to get back into it, keep things up to date more regularly. A resolution? Hmm, not sure, but perhaps!

I think it's always important, going in to a new year, to reflect on the past year...think about triumphs, challenges, learnings, experiences and prepare for a clean slate, a new year. Some reflections of 2008 for me are:

- My job was crazy...ups and downs, trials and tribulations that then culminated in big steps forward, major growth and learnings and visions of the future

- Two of my closest friends had babies...an unbelievable and amazing event. Getting to watch them grow and change and become little human beings has been one of the most memorable things. Not to mention the increased level of respect for my friends and becoming parents.

- Many many engagements, a handful of weddings. And the very exciting engagement of my Burlington bestie, and getting the wonderful honor of being asked to be Maid of Honor! And the most recent engagment of my oldest sister!

- A change of living location - I packed up from the apartment I had so many important memories in, and moved to a new beautiful abode, clean and free, ready for new memories.

- The end of a relationship. The lessons, the challenges, the emotions, the growth, the self discovery, the impact it will have on future relationships.

- My mom's cancer seems to be gone!!

- New athletic pursuits.

- Some amazing travels to Istanbul w/my parents and oldest sis, Alli, and then an incredible trip to Thailand with Alli.

- Figuring out a lot about myself through work, travel, friendship, love, activities and athletics, many hours on the road, independence.

I always become overly curious when a new year hits...what will it have in store? What important things will happen? Where will I go, who will I see, what will I do? Will I have "headline news" in my life? And I guess the best thing, the only thing we can do, is go into it with gusto...slough off the bad from the previous year, bank the lessons, bring the smiles and begin the year positive, ready for anything, ready to make amazing memories, ready to have a year of promise and goodness. Happy New Year!

Ownership

2008-12-15T08:28:00.000-08:00

So often I find that people, myself included, aren't willing to take ownership of things. It can be as simple as ownership of a mistake, or as big as ownership of their own feelings and in turn, their destiny. I have had people be surprised when I mention "flaws" about myself, or things I'm not good at..."I'm a control freak". "You don't want me on your softball team, I have horrible hand/eye coordination". "I trip and fall a lot". I am not afraid of things that are a core part of me. Or things I'm not good at. I own up to that, with pride I might add. I think that being able to say what you are bad at, or ill equipped to do, is just as important as saying and knowing what you ARE good at and can do well.

Emotions can be more tough. Taking ownership over things you feel, things you need, things you desire...that can be a little more tricky. It puts us on the line, it puts our ego out there for a possible bruising, it puts our pride in the spotlight. But have you ever just said, "F-it" and said or done something, regardless of the implications, just because it needed to be done or said? Because you needed to take ownership of it, you needed to be honest with yourself about it? It's amazing...freeing, invigorating, enlivening. Sometimes shedding the tin-man persona can be the best thing ever.

Time she flies

2008-12-11T08:39:00.000-08:00

Oy...sometimes I think about much I'm slacking on blogging and then I get overwhelmed with how much I have not reported on so can't even mentally grasp trying to fill in the gaps. So, I have decided when a substantial amount of time has passed, I need to just skip to the present tense, start from today. If I have a rainy/snowy Saturday, I can fill in some blanks. I really want to post about Thailand, but I feel especially stressed over that topic because I want to do it right, not skimp, not forget important details, spend time writing properly and conveying the tone and feelings I had. So, Thailand posts will happen at some point...perhaps when I'm feeling a little bit of SADs (season affective disorder) and need to relive my vacation.

Today is December 11th, 2008. It's almost halfway through December...seriously, how is that possible? I swear that it was just yesterday I was snowshoeing with some friends and yummy hot chocolate. Just yesterday that I was in Istanbul. Just yesterday that I was living on the road working with SoBe. How does time fly so? There is snow on the ground...not much, but it's there. Definitely miniscule compared to last year at this time. I have been attending holiday parties like they are designer sample sales. Last night was Soe's annual Holiday Craft and Cookie Exchange...I love it. Everyone brings 2 dozen cookies and you leave with 2 dozen cookies. Not to mention the various holiday crafts...I made a pomander ball (my favorite) AND the special craft this year of Peace Cranes...I also love. They are so beautiful, so elegant, so representative. We drank mulled cider, listened to Christmas music and caught up with some amazing ladies. Tomorrow night is Becky and Ewen's annual holiday party which i'm also super excited for. Many delicious finger foods and some delectable cocktail that Becky whips up. It guarantees to be an evening of amazing food, great company and conversation, and a pleasant little buzz.

I have vowed a few things for this winter. 1) Snowboard more than last year. I went 3 times last year. Pathetic. Although at the time, my reason was good, it was a compromise. 2) Less complaining about the cold. I chose to stay here this winter, I know what it's like, deal with it. 3) More house gatherings. I live in an amazing apartment and even though it's small, it's homey and a great place to gather with friends and beat the cold, versus trekking downtown to be ultimately disappointed in the bar scene. 4) Get back on my gym plan...I have a half marathon and Olympic distance triathlon on the summer 2009 calendar so I need to get my butt in primo shape before the warm weather hits. Once its' warm out, it'll be peddle to the metal...feet to pavement, wheels to pavement, body to lake. 5) Not compromise. I compromised myself a little last winter and this year I will not. Last winter taught me a lot about myself, and I refuse to let anything get in the way of me being me. 6) Be the best maid of honor ever...did I mention that Becky asked me to be her Maid of Honor?!?!?! I have to say, it's one of the most amazing honors to be given...I am taking my role seriously and giving her the best engagement and all things leading up to, and at, the wedding.

Happy Snow!

Gentle Giant

2008-11-09T01:11:00.000-08:00

Without wasting too much time on the internet on this trip, I have to jump around things that have gone on so far. The most current and fresh is my day with the elephants. We were picked up early this morning for a beautiful drive out into this lush tropical valley to meet our elephant. My elephant was Boon Pak, the only male, tusks and all, and my partner was his trainer Kaw. We had read that at this place we went, you literally become the trainer for the day and "own" the elephant but I'm not sure we realized that it really meant that we would be immediately put in that position. It was amazing. We learned about care for the elephant, feeding, health and then commands and mounting. One of the elephants had a bit of a fit which was incredible to see...ears flared, loud quintessential elephant sound. It was a bit intimidating at first, seeing her do this but then we realized she just wanted her baby to come back to her. I must admit, I was really glad to have Boon Pak at that moment. He was so gentle, docile, sweet.

After some basic ground training, it was time to mount. There are a few ways to get on the elephant and I opted for up the front of their head. After placing my hands on Boon Pak's head and saying a command, he raised his trunk to make a step, I placed my foot on and it and he raised his trunk up so I could climb up onto his neck and spin around. I spent a large part of the rest of the day perched high up on his neck, wandering through the valley, crossing streams and swimming at a waterfall with Boon Pak...literally. We got to this gorgeous waterfall and walked the elephants into one of the lower pools and down he went...submerging himself with me still on top. Needless to say, I got a bath of my own. They served us an incredible lunch on the rocks, the remainder of which we got to feed our elephants. Talk about sustainable eating...even the tablecloth was a snack for them (banana leaves)!! We rode them for a while back to camp, learned some new riding techniques, waded through a river and had to say our goodbye's 6 hours later. Boon Pak was amazing, so was Kaw. The feeling of sitting on top of such a huge animal and letting it guide you over tiny trails high up on mountains, down muddy paths with a sheer drop beside you, through rushing rivers...it was incredible. They told us at the beginning how surefoot elephants are and now I see why. Every step they take, they are sure of before taking it. I was sad to leave Boon Pak...we had bonded. Such an incredible experience, so much more impactful then if we had gone and sat on a chair on their back and then watched them do tricks. It truly was something that will stick with me.

So many other amazing details of the day which I am leaving out, but I will save some for in person story telling. All in all, my love of and resport for elephants is enormous now.

Photos to come.

Cabin Fever

2008-11-05T17:48:00.000-08:00

I think it's perfect that the inside of an airplane is called the Cabin. It allows me to not have to come up with a new word to describe what I felt after 30+ hours of travel from Burlington to Thailand. My first flight, 3 or so hours from VT to Detroit was great. A 5 hour layover in Detroit, not bad. Then the 12+ hour flight to Tokyo being on a plane where I was not only one of the VERY few non-asians but also taller by many inches. The best part of that flight was that one option for breakfast was fried rice with teriyaki chicken...and the majority of the people around me chose that over the omelette. At this point I was doing ok with the flights. Had some wine, took an ambien, made some notes on what we wanted to check out in Thailand. Then a few hours in the Tokyo airport. I figured there would be some good shopping at least, since Tokyo is such a consumer driven city but alas, nothing exciting minus the cool modern, underlit chairs. The Japanese has a strange lack of body-space concept. I was lounging on one of these cool low couch type things, reading and then suddenly felt my space totally invaded. I look up and sure enough 3 people had decided there was plenty of space to join up. So much for giving my legs room to stretch. Back on another flight...6+ hours from Tokyo to Bangkok with a man behind me that constantly bumped and pushed and kneed the back of my chair. It was at this point that Cabin Fever sunk in. I thought I was going to go mad...another minute in an airplane, I almost lost it. I literally almost stood up and scolded the man behind me but realized after hearing him talk in an excessively loud voice to the flight attendant that it would do no good. Patience. Counting backwards from 10. Going to my happy place. It is the only time I've ever felt suffocated in a plane...and it was bad. Then the procession to the forever long immigration line in the swelteringly hot terminal. I couldn't wait to walk into our fancy Bangkok hotel, hug my sister, take a shower and pass out.

Day 1 in Thailand has begun! We are about to take the SkyTrain down to the river, catch boats up along the river and check out some of the amazing Wat's and other beautiful, historic, tourist spots. Not to mention seeking out our first bit of Thai food. I am looking forward to totally over-eating Thai food while here. Mmmmmm.

One night in Bangkok....

Elephantidae

2008-10-29T17:07:00.000-07:00

As my below post states, I am soon to leave for an almost 2 week vacation in Thailand. My sister and I have been researching a bunch of different sights to see, activities, etc. and one of our high priority activities just got confirmed. A day with elephants!!!! And no, not some tourist crap of riding on a chair on their back for an hour w/a guide on their neck. Nope. We're going to learn how to bathe them and then ride them bare back ourselves!!! We found a great Elephant Conservatory that works for the good of elephants and saving ones from horrible situations of torture and mistreatment. They teach you about their health and diet, lifestyles, approaching and handling and then riding and bathing. It's going to be amazing. I cannot WAIT. I have a feeling that I'm going to become very attached to my elephant in the span of a day. I love giant creatures, riding them, interacting with them. I rode horses for 10 years and there's something about knowing you are putting yourself in the "hands" of an animal that could trample or kick or turn on you in seconds...something so powerful about creating a connection with such a powerful being. Elephants are so majestic to me...so humble. I think this will be one of the highlights of the trip.

BTV to BKK

2008-10-26T20:35:00.000-07:00

In less than 2 weeks (8 days to be exact) I will be heading to the BTV airport with a final destination of the BKK airport...also known as Bangkok, Thailand! I am peeing my pants in excitement. It's really coming. I'm really going. It has felt like a hellacious circus road trip trying to nail things down, get the plane ticket finalized, dates, and so on. My oldest sister Alli and I are going together so whereas I'm used to traveling solo and being on no one's schedule but my own, we were coordinating two schedules and two sets of ideas. But after many stressful nights and many Skype conversations, it is locked in and hotels are being confirmed.

I have traveled extensively and it's the same feeling everytime I travel. I am excited yet I know I won't truly feel it until I land. Until I get the first whiff of the local air, the first sound of local traffic, the first taste of local food. Then it hits me. It comes on like a tidal wave. I feel excited and scared at the same time. Overwhelmed and at peace. I love it. I love the rush. Although I will have a travel partner therefore taking some of the nerves out of things, it still packs that punch. Not to mention she may not arrive until the evening after I get there. Travel makes me feel alive. It is a place in my life that I feel inspired and full and glowing. I can't explain it.

Just knowing that in a week or so I will be stepping onto the first of 4 planes, I can barely believe it. I will fly from Burlington to Detroit, 4 hours in Detroit, then Detroit to Tokyo-Narita for a 3 hour layover and then Tokyo to Bangkok. I arrive in Bangkok at 12:30am on Thursday morning (after leaving at 6am Tuesday morning). We'll spend Thursday and Friday there and are taking a late flight Friday night up to Chiang Mai in the north. We'll spend 4 days there with potentially 1.5 of them spent trekking through the jungle on elephants. Then we'll fly from Chiang Mai down to the

southern beaches, most likely to Ko Phi Phi, an island off of the western side (near Phuket and Krabi). We'll hopefully be staying in a beachfront bungalow and taking boat trips to other islands, getting Thai massages, lazying in hammocks, snorkeling and diving and just enjoying the gorgeous scenery. I've pulled some images from online and it makes me melt.

I can't wait to be there.

Reunion

2008-10-14T10:24:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I was at yet another wedding, the last for this year. It was the wedding of a good college friend of mine, Mike Davis. He got married to a lovely lady, Kathleen Trupiano, whom I only met for the first time this weekend. It was a fun weekend and an unofficial reunion of my college friends...the people I met my freshmen year and became a family with over 4 years. It was cool to see everyone...the first time in 3 years since I picked up and moved away after graduation. It's crazy that I haven't been back since...well minus seeing my parents over holidays. I literally just packed up and walked out of the door of their lives, our big family life, one day. It was sad in that sense, sad that I had abandoned them. I got a lot of the same question..."where the heck have you been the past 3 years?!?!" It made me realize that I really did just abandon them all. I was a big part of that group, not just an outlier so it meant something. But now we're back, reunited, caught up. Everyone is pretty much the same, only a more grown-up version. There is still an energy between all of us, a cohesiveness. These people will always be part of my family.

So, something that was really cool was a reminder of the fact that Gators are a special thing in and of itself...being a Gator is a special thing. Both the bride and groom are Gator grads and therefore the majority of the wedding attendees were Gators. So, there was a Gator ice sculpture at the raw bar and we did the Gator chomp during the reception...it was pretty amazing, something I had forgotten about, but remembered how amazing being a part of that is. I will be forever a Gator.

Put your hands up and shout!

2008-10-06T08:59:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was Mindy and Bobby's wedding in Buffalo, NY. To set the tone...I typically refuse to dance to songs like "YMCA" and "Shout" at weddings...but this wedding, I was rocking out when "Shout" came on. It was a good time and inspired participation in these sort of "traditional" wedding ballads.

Becky and I headed to Buffalo Friday morning and had a really fun road trip there. The 8 hour drive didn't seem bad at all. Perhaps it's because we always have great conversations or because we were catching up after not having seen each other in a while or what, but it was fun. We got in to our hotel and met up with Penelope, Colin, Elisa, Brett and Zoe and all went for a nice dinner in a cute neighborhood. P, Col, Becky and I then went to the Chocolate Bar/Martini Bar at our hotel for some fancy pants drinks...although P almost got sick after drinking her spiked Coke Float. Saw a crazy trashy girl talking smack to another girl...very Jerry Springer-esque. K Dogg (as his new shoes say) joined us for a beer then we all turned in.

Saturday we took a trip up to Niagara Falls on the Canadian Side. It was pretty impressive...the massive spray of mist coming from the bottom was one of the most impressive parts about it. We took a trip into the VERY touristy area right by the falls for a some trashy food (candy store, dairy queen soft serve and hot dogs) and did a Ripley's Motion Movie...it was lame. We almost got in trouble crossing back into the US...apparently even though the Canadian border patrol doesn't even ask for any form of ID, the US side is requiring Passports...Becky and I only had ID's...alas. They let us through...we must have looked normal.

The the wedding. Mindy and Bobby looked great. The ceremony was short and sweet, a nice cocktail hour w/some yummy hors d'oeuvres then to our awesome table...just the 8 of us, it was perfect. Good food and conversation, many laughs, definitely the cool table :-). Then the reception. The band was AMAZING. Total Zoot Suit type band in full on Zoot Suits and everything. They rocked it and we danced along the whole time. Tons of fun. Lots of cool people at the wedding (no surprise since Mindy and Bobby are the coolest!). Becky and I stayed past the reception and went to check out downtown Buffalo "nightlife" with some other Burlington people (the rest of our crew retired early) and some of the grooms party. Pretty interesting "scene".

Another 8 hour drive back on Sunday. Again, we were both surprised by the fact it wasn't too bad. Granted, we were exhausted but we kept it fun...I laughed until I cried, literally. Good times. Fun weekend. Great excuse to sit down in one place with such great friends...we've all had a hard time getting together, all of us in one room so this was great. One wedding down, one to go this coming weekend! Naples, FL here I come.

The next step

2008-10-02T11:03:00.000-07:00

Wedding season is upon me. I have one this weekend in Buffalo, NY for my dear friends Mindy and Bobby and then next weekend I fly down to southern Florida for the wedding of my college pal, Mike, and his fiance, Kathleen, who I have yet to meet.

It's really crazy...my friends getting married..especially my college friends. Most of my friends in Vermont are older so it's not as odd but my college friends, that throws me for a loop. I suppose part of it is because I remember them in the bubble that was 4 years at the University of Florida. We were all so young, so untouched, so lost in this world, so glad to have found each other.

I had this really special group of friends in college. A large group of us who found ourselves in the "anti-social" dorm on campus, thinking we'd never make a friend there...until we did. I remember meeting Mike at our dorm "orientation". He lived down the hall from me with Conley, Joe and Chris. One day I was driving back to my dorm from being someplace on campus (our dorm was on the edge of campus) and I saw Mike and Conley sitting on a bench waiting for the bus so I rammed up over the curb, rolled down the windows and told them to climb in. We were friends from that day forward. We would all eat dinner together at the dining hall almost every night of freshmen year. Myself and those four boys became friends with the four boys directly across from me...Ryan, Mark, CR and Jeff (co-ed floors were pretty great) and then the 2nd semester of freshmen year we met the kids downstairs. At this point, our group of best friends was around 20 people...no joke. We were inseparable. We had a block of seats at the football game so we could all sit together (getting a block wasn't an easy task either). We had an intramural softball team...the girls all wore knee high striped socks. We snuck kegs into the bathroom of one of the downstairs rooms so we could pump beer through the window while playing in the kitty pool we'd set up outback of the dorm. We camped together. We considered renting an old fraternity house so we could all live under one roof, all 20 of us. It was the greatest year. The other 3 of college were right up there too...the only big difference was we all moved off campus to different apartments. Mike, Conley and the rest of the boys from my floor all moved to one place. I moved in with Ryan, Joe and Snyder...they are my family now.

It's when I think back to those times that flashing forward to thinking of next weeks wedding, it is so bizarre. How things change so quickly. I haven't even met his fiance so it's happened in the past 3 years. And now Ryan is engaged. Apparently Mark is too. I remember one night freshmen year, Mark and I got up at 4am and walked out to this field and laid down in the grass to watch a meteor shower. I haven't thought about that in years. I remember sophomore year having to go pick Ryan up after he got in a bike accident...he had tears in his eyes because his bike had been ruined, ill aware of the blood trickling down his injured leg.

How things change. How people grow. How we age. How it used to be tailgating and late night spray painting and beer and Tijuana Flats. Now it's marriage, homes, children, 401Ks. I can't wait to see my college friends. I haven't seen most of them for 3.5 years. I left Florida in a whirlwind, left it for a faraway tundra, for the real world. I left my best guy friend standing in my driveway at my parents house with tears in his eyes, wondering when we'd see each other next.

The next adventure

2008-09-30T09:40:00.000-07:00

My sister, Alli, and I decided a few months ago to take a trip together overseas. Sadly our other sister, Colleen, won't be able to join as she has very few vacation days available (they make them use their own vacay days to take Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays!). We decided on Thailand as a nice mix of culture and history, beaches and sand, adventure and relaxation. We've been trying to plan things but my work and personal schedule keeps getting in the way...program start date changing multiple times at work, wedding season taking up free weekends and so forth. It's so hard to get the ball rolling when each week it seems there is some new news at work, the date has changed again, the time isn't right, on and on.

Every time I open my Thailand books I purchased in eager anticipation, I get overwhelmed. Despite the fact that we theoretically could be leaving for Thailand in 2 weeks, it doesn't feel real yet...and I don't think it will until we both finally purchase our plane tickets, once I finally know what the H is going on at work. It's frustrating and I just want to know I'm going already, have it mapped out, begin to book our bungalows and hotels, decide which trek we want to take on the back of a giant elephant, which monasteries to visit, which beaches to lay lazily about, which waters to dive in. It's so hard, being a planner by day, to not want to have this planned out minute by minute already. It also doesn't help that my sister and I are trying to coordinate schedules to talk on Skype since she's enjoying another vacation down in Mexico currently.

Life is tough...it's busy and messy and sometimes you just have to pull the trigger, call the shots, make it happen and let the chips fall as they may. Work doesn't rule my life. I don't get paid enough to put my personal time on hold. I should just book it and say THERE! I have spent the last 6 months working long hours, many weekends with no real vacation...it's time.

Slightly older, slightly more wise?

2008-09-29T08:59:00.001-07:00

I am officially 26 and a few days. Some years it feels different, this year it doesn't. Well, I guess it feels a little different but not in a way I expected. I feel a change in the sense that I feel more driven...driven to grow as a person, to climb the corporate ladder, to move into the next phase of my being, to make more steps towards those bigger goals in life. Some things are becoming more clear, others more muddied.

We make these choices in life, these decisions that shape us and form our future in some ways. I look down on myself, where I am today, how I got here. It's all pretty crazy. I moved to Vermont almost 4 years ago...uprooted my entire life, left all my best friends, moved to a totally foreign place to begin the quest to "corporate stardom". I admit, I want to become something...I want my name to be recognized at least in my field of work, whatever that ends up being. I want to make a name for myself. Have I made the right choices up until this point to move towards that goal? Who knows! The way each step affects the future cannot be seen until the future is reached, then you look back and reflect on your choices, your decisions. I do not believe in coincidences...so with that in mind, I must assume that the movement you make in life is purposeful even if it doesn't seem so at the moment.

The bigger picture. I feel like I'm getting closer to seeing it, seeing what is in store, seeing what my next "big thing" is. A year of changes in my work, a year of weddings and engagements and babies, a year of love and love lost, a year of challenges, a year of family health. All these things, all in the span of one year...they are part of the building blocks of the next step, whatever it may be. Another year gone, another age reached, another lesson to be learned.

Another year

2008-09-22T07:37:00.000-07:00

Another birthday is almost upon me...2 days away. Even though I'm getting older, I rarely freak out about my birthday. This year I feel especially relaxed about it. Usually I find myself reflecting or assessing my current situation, and maybe in a day or two I will but at the moment I almost feel numb about it. What is a birthday really, other than a way to track time? And time isn't even a trackable thing since it is constantly in motion, it is constantly changing. Each second ticks by, time is moving, fluid, dynamic.

What will this new age have in store for me? I will be going into my 26th year on this planet. That's over a quarter of a century. I've lived all over, traveled all over, studied dozens of subjects, laughed, cried, loved, lost. Every experience up to this point has shaped where I am today. It's easy to look back and say you wish you had done something differently or better but the reality is, every action has a reason...every thing we do puts us where we are today. Sometimes I have to remind myself of my own mantra...there are no coincidences. Or my mom's mantra...everything happens for a reason. All we can do is hope that each decision we make, each action we take teaches us something. If it seems like something we could have done better or differently, perhaps it just takes looking at it from a different angle, realizing it's benefit, it's place in our life, it's purpose in shaping who we are at this moment.

Twenty six. My horoscope (multiple ones actually) say I'm about to have a month of illumination...a month of the spotlight being on me and to make sure that I don't try to revert into the Libran way of wanting to be a balance point between two people, but to let the light shine on me, let the attention be put on me. I don't do well at that but I guess a birthday is a good excuse to give something new a try!

Brrrr

2008-09-19T10:10:00.000-07:00

Last night was the first time I've closed all my windows since I moved in to my new apartment (minus a few crazy storms). The chill has arrived, despite the warmer day times, the chill is here...fall is here. Although I love sandals and sundresses (probably too much so), I do love being able to curl up on the couch and pull my alpaca blanket over me, sip some hot tea or coffee, enjoy the warmth of the oven after baking some tarts.

I love the cooking that comes with fall. Tarts and applesauce, soups and bread, squash. The smells are beginning to waft through my apartment...I love it.

The chill also adds an interesting element to my exercising. I have never been one to run in the cold...my lungs burn within mere minutes. But clearly I need to get over this if I'm going to run a half marathon on November 9th. I ran last night along the bike path to enjoy the scenery and my arms and hands were numb by the end, my legs splotchy red from the cold air. Then the wind picks up, a breeze blows across the sweat sending a deep chill down the body.

This weekend will be great. Birthday dinner party for a friend with great food, good friends and a nice porch to sip wine on. Farmers Market with the dogs (I'm doggie sitting for Emi and Kev), coffee and a chocolate croissant on Church St.. Apple picking followed by a massive cooking fest, all things apple...apple tarts, apple pie, apple sauce, salad with apples, you name it, we're going to make it! And then a hopeful attempt at finding tickets for Sunday's Fine Wine and Food Festival at Shelburne Farms. I just have to find tickets!

Enjoy it...enjoy the crisp air. It's so clean, so rejuvenating. Can't you feel it? Can't you feel the cool breeze blowing through, pushing cobwebs away, clearing out that dusty attic, inspiring you to get rid of the old and bring in the new? Fall. A time to fall...fall in leaves, fall into new clothes, fall in love.

Hitting the Brakes

2008-09-15T14:02:00.001-07:00

That's what my friend said..."good for you for hitting the brakes". I had been accelerating at a pace that was bound to knock me out at some point. Social events, work events, work, exercise, organizations, etc. etc. I had overbooked and it was only getting worse. Double booking evenings...something from 6-7:30, then 8-11. It was getting to be too much...I was loosing my balance so to speak. So this past weekend, mainly Sunday, I "hit the brakes". I ignored all incoming phone calls. I slept in. I stayed in my pajamas until the afternoon. I drank multiple lattes and read. I baked. I lit candles that filled my apartment with smells of fall. I played music that seemed almost palpable, almost as if I could see the notes physically wafting through my apartment. I nixed going to the gym or for a run despite my original plan of exercising. And I didnt' let myself feel bad about any of that.

It's exactly what I needed. A day or recluse. As a Libra we seek balance. The non-me side of the scale was definitely not balanced with the "me" side. It needed a shift...and still needs some more, but it's much better. Have you ever used an old scale, perhaps in science class way back when? Put pennies in one side..keep loading them on with nothing in the opposite side. Keep going. Keep going. Eventually the whole scale tips over. That's exactly what was beginning to happen. I was doing too much for everyone but myself. Yesterday felt good. The only person in existence was myself and I was pretty pleased about that.

Crisp

2008-09-12T12:40:00.001-07:00

There is a crispness in the air. It is the first true sign of Fall. Even when the weather warms up a bit in the afternoon, the crispness doesn't wane. Smells are changing. Trees are turning. Types of food that appeal to me is changing. It's here. In many ways I want to fight it, I want to be back to bathing suits and humidity and sun drenching my skin. I am a summer girl. I love it. But I must say, there's something about Fall that I love. Hearing the breeze blow against my window panes and creep in the cracked window by my bed, sending a chill through me, causing me to pull my covers up to my neck. Again, the smell. It's not tangible, it's not even describable, but it's there. I can almost hear music wafting through the air, the first smell of cinnamon and pumpkin, that first true chilly night.

Seasons change. Moods change. Desires change. Feelings change. Perhaps sometimes it takes an earthly change, an atmospheric change to inspire other change. To create an impetus to change something you've been sitting on for a while. Winter is near. Change is imminent.

Rides, ponies, trapeze and more!

2008-09-09T12:00:00.001-07:00

Although I dread the end of summer, there is one thing that I really look forward to that is the first sign of the waning warm days...the county Fair!! I get giddy with anticipation at the first commercial or banner announcing it coming to town. I feel like I'm in an old movie, or in a book such as one of our past book club books...the first group comes to town and gets the crowds excited weeks in advance. I book off evenings for it (yes, I said evenings plural as I usually go twice). I don't know what it is but I truly love fairs. I'm not a discriminatory fair-goer either. I love it all. The food, the rides, the animals, the acts, the music, the carnies, you name it, I love it.

People always seem to be shocked when I mention how much I love going on rides at the Fair..especially when I reveal my love for buying the wristband that permits unlimited riding. I love the slight paranoia involved in considering exactly how rickety the rides are, exactly how under qualified the ride operators are, the chances of launching off the rides to a quick and very public death. But then I think, if I'm going to die on one of these rides, at least I will die in the midst of laughing, of yelling so loud, of feeling the wind pull the skin back on my face, my whole being surrounded in glowing lights and tinkling sounds of carnival games embracing me like a halo. There could be worse ways to go.

Favorites rides. This is a question always asked of me. I particularly love a ride at the Chittenden County Fair known as Freak Out. It swings you and spins you at the same time...you swing high over a candied apple stand. It's best at sunset. Then there's the classic one, maybe called the Tornado? You sit in little car kind of things, 3 to a section, about 6 sections and you spin around and around. I love the feeling of your body slowly sliding across the seat, compressing your ride partner, spit slowly being pulled out of your wide open, screaming mouth, hair blowing uncontrollably. It's that loss of control, that utter release of oneself that is amazing. I love to close my eyes, listen to the sounds and feel the wind against my face. I tell you, it's euphoric.

I also love the really crazy ride that costs $10. It's terrifies me and I can't get enough of it.

Food is a whole other story and a whole other event in itself. I tend to go for the big two...a brat or sausage, loaded with peppers and onions and washing it down with a funnel cake, not to be mistaken for a fried dough. I guess funnel cake is either a southern thing or a Pennsylvania thing but it kicks fried doughs ass. Here's all the explanation you need - more dough touches the fat. Enough said.

Onto what I like to refer to as miscellaneous or icing on the cake. Miniature ponies. Check! Llamas. Check! Bunnies. Check! Roosters and other random aviary animals and or poultry. Check! This year, however, there was an even more amazing "miscellaneous" item. The trapeze!! Yep, that's right. Apparently the trapeze act isn't just for the big top anymore. I have to say...I was mesmerized...and slightly jealous. I wanted to be up there, flying high, twirling through the air, being caught at the last second all while being applauded on by eager onlookers. Perhaps I missed my calling.

Turns out, I know someone who went to Circus Camp as a kid!! How amazing is that? Apparently he excelled at the trapeze. I forget what his other area of specialty was but either way, I'm totally jealous. It has made me want to go to one of those trapeze schools like they have in Manhattan. Adding it to the list of "life to-do's" as we speak.

Until next year...

Overload

2008-09-08T11:03:00.000-07:00

I can't blame anyone but myself when I pack my schedule too tight only to then feel stressed or overwhelmed or uncentered. I have been doing this lately...perhaps to make up for having been gone so much of the summer. Aside from work being totally insane and time consuming, it's a dinner party one night, bike ride the next, hosting a cocktail party another night, finding galleries to show my photos in, visiting people or having people visit, gym, bookclub, etc. etc. etc. I love doing these things, they keep me busy, make me feel alive. But at the same time, I'm a libra and we need balance. I have felt like I haven't had time to myself in weeks...time to just cook dinner, sit on the couch and read, take a bath, relax. It's been go-go-go. Due to my new account and the greater responsibility I have with it, I find myself checking email all the time, making lists of tomorrow's to-do's on top of responding to personal emails requesting a get-together.

I was thinking back to last year when I was spending time in the darkroom, ipod on, pulling photos. Or spending hours at the pottery wheel while house-sitting for my pottery teacher. Or the once a week Philo hikes to destress after a long day. Not to mention cooking dinner most nights of the week. My mum and I did some cooking over the weekend and it was so nice, so centering. I forgot how much cooking relaxes me and I just haven't even had time for it. I feel like over the past year I learned how to not put all my focus on me but to care for others more, to think of others first, to relish people and my connections with people. Last winter did this for me and it's a great thing to have gained but now I need to take that and merge it with my previous ability to factor myself in more. Merging the two will be the ultimate scale balance...it is key, and has been missing.

Herding cats

2008-08-28T11:33:00.000-07:00

This is what I feel like I've been doing of late. My new account is great...great and insane. It is one of the more challenging accounts I've been on and half of that is because I spend half of my day herding cats. Herding cats, fighting fires and pulling rabbits out of hats. No joke. I'm not sure I could properly explain it to anyone, any better than that.

It's crazy to be so busy...to literally get home from the office at 9:15pm on a Wednesday night and only having left the office because I forced myself to. I definitely have had to put some personal things on the backburner. Laundry, paying bills, seeing friends, reading. Yeah, that hasn't been happening much lately. It's a mix of being stressed and loving it. I love the challenge, the feel of having more to do than there are hours in the day, the ability to call the shots, exercise being a leader. I love it.

Thankfully tonight I am escaping. I am forcing myself out of the office at 5:30 and going to one of my favorite things ever...the FAIR!! It will be a much welcomed treat...riding rides, hanging with the carnies, petting miniature ponies and of course, Fair food...and lots of it! I only hope Caroline plans accordingly this year and eats AFTER riding the rides. Last year we almost had an incident...almost.

Tomorrow it's off to Boston for 2 days to visit some girlfriends, dress up and drink far too expensive cocktails, flirt with men in suits, lay by the beach and drink margaritas and catch up with some good friends. It will be a great treat after a veeeery long and very stressful week.

Happy Labor Day weekend!

Sleep

2008-08-25T08:15:00.000-07:00

Sleep has been a very pronounced topic this past weekend for me. Saturday I woke up wanting more, but opted for a nice long bike ride instead to sweat out some cocktails from the night prior. Saturday afternoon and evening I was dying for sleep, and managed to get to bed at a decent hour. Sunday I felt like I had been hit with a tranquilizer gun and was exhausted all day...so much so I opted out of a run I'd been looking forward to all weekend. Sunday night after falling asleep, exhausted, on the couch, I retired to my bed only to lie awake with a million thoughts zooming through my head, unable to quiet it no matter how hard I tried. Who knows how long I lay there cursing my overactive mind. Finally I fell asleep only to have some bizarre dreams...not that my dreams are ever anything of reality, but this was a very bizarre series of events. The majority of the dream has already slipped my mind except for the final element, the last thing that appeared in it...a white rabbit. All dream sources site a white rabbit as being symbolic of faithfulness in a lover. I'm curious now...exactly who is this imaginary lover who is apparently faithful to me??

Revived

2008-08-18T09:52:00.000-07:00

Despite the blanket of exhaustion that is currently wrapped around me, I feel invigorated, revived, energized. I spent the past weekend down in Manhattan and then at the Jersey Shore (sounds cliche but is quite nice...at least Spring Lake where we were staying). I needed this...a weekend away, a weekend with too many options, too many possible activities, too many choices. I had to fly to NYC for a meeting w/my new client on Wednesday and then decided to take Thursday and Friday off to see some friends, bump around the city, and then head to my friends shore house in Spring Lake, NJ for a little sun and sand.

Every time I go to Manhattan, it peps me up. I feel alive. I'm not sure what it is because there are definitely times of feeling so minuscule there, but at the same time, it taps into the parts of me that don't get fulfilled that often...the desire to walk through gallery after gallery and gaze at various types of art while listening to my iPod.

Cool record art in Chelsea gallery

Taking a stroll down a tree lined street and stopping into a used book store to peruse the first editions, smell the slight must of old books, feel the covers of delicately embossed old book covers. Pop into a little side street cafe, get a glass of wine and people watch for hours.

Delicious goat cheese and beet salad at W. Village cafe

Museum of Modern Art

Sit at a swank bar and order a far too expensive but oh so delicious cocktail who's only aftertaste is the sound of lounge music wafting through the beautiful interior. Dance the night away to loud beats and bartenders hopping up on the bar with sparklers in hand. Catching a movie premier at a random dive bar complete with a Mardi-Gras esque elephant protruding from the wall. Eating amazing food lit only by the soft glow of a candle and the slight red glow lighting up the walls of a beautiful restaurant complete with a band playing soft music in the background. It's overwhelming in the best way possible. That kind of stimulation, even over-stimulation, makes my blood flow, the color return to my face, the pep return to my step. I feel alive.

Following that up with a relaxing 2 days laying on the sand, listening to waves crash and then throwing on a sundress to sip cold, crisp white wine and play a game or two of bocce.

Spring Lake, NJ

Too many laughs, the total loss of my voice from singing along to a crazy cover band. Sand between my toes. Heaven. It couldn't have been a better weekend.

GW Bridge at 11pm

Overflowing

2008-08-06T14:16:00.000-07:00

I tend to do this every so often...actually more often than not. Putting too much on my plate. Work, travel, social plans, dinner parties, projects, etc. etc. etc. This is definitely one of those times. My new work account is keeping me really really busy. I accepted the responsibility of taking photos for our company website so I have to begin tackling that project. Then there's Art Hop. I have to have my photos ready to go by next weekend and I've only so far chosen one piece and it isn't even done being printed yet. I have to spend a fair bit of time tonight going through hundreds of shots and slides, figuring out which is best, what size, etc. and then making sure to get them into print tomorrow. Then there's my constant over-booking of the social calendar. Dinner party at my house, book club at my house, book club in general, bike ride, swimming, wedding help, brunch, drinks, on and on. I look at my calendar on my phone...all it is is appointments and activities. However, I definitely thrive in a booked-schedule environment more than a bored one...I like the stimulation of constantly having plans. Sometimes I go into recluse mode and make no plans for a week or two, totally retreat to my apartment and just relax. That's nice too. Right now is not one of those times.

I think I need a coffee. Or a stiff drink.

Alas

2008-08-04T06:56:00.000-07:00

I am free!! This past weekend was my last event as SoBe event manager. I am now officially done traveling for that account and onto my new account which will be great. I have to say, the feeling of knowing I have my summer back, the ability to make weekend plans, it's like I won the lottery. The list of things I've been dying to do will begin to be tackled and I can't wait! Some things on the list of summer fun:
- Camping
- Biking in beautiful remote areas of VT
- Farmers Market every weekend
- Art hop!!
- Trip to Boston
- Trip to NYC
- Hiking
- Berry Picking (went for the first time last Friday...divine!)
- Swimming in the lake
- Boating

I'm sure there are a ton more things....I can't think of them all because I'm so overwhelmed with having my weekends back! Ah yes...let summer begin. Now I just have to hope that we've seen the end of rain for a loooong while.

It's getting better

2008-07-30T11:49:00.000-07:00

I feel like quite a bit has happened in the past week or two. There was some time of feeling a little confused about stuff, life, love, work, etc. and sort of feeling like I was at a major crossroads. Granted, I tend to be a peddle to the metal kind of person so once I get an idea in my head I don't really go at half speed. Anywho. This week a lot changed. I got a new account at work and am SO happy about it. I had begun to essentially loath my job...yes, I said it, loath. I had essentially taken a step back and wasn't pleased about it. So now, my new account, I'm the account manager in it which means I oversee everything and that's pretty sweet. Usually I oversee the events stuff but someone oversees that and other elements, but now that's me! Woohoo! It's not yet a full promotion but my review is in less than 3 months so things are looking up! My new client is pretty funny too...Durex condoms. Yep. You heard me.

The second biggest plus of the new account is that I get my summer back. It had really been bumming me out to be gone basically every weekend, miss fun events/trips, etc. but now I get my weekends back and actually will get to enjoy VT summers which are my favorite!! So many things to do, places to go, friends to see, hikes to do, etc. Woohoo! And much more time to run and bike which is huge.

Speaking of running, I have found the 10K I'm doing in August in Richmond, and pretty sure the half I'm going to do in fall is the Shelburne Half Marathon which is super exciting!! However, last night I bummed my foot and can't run for at least a few days and hopefully no more...we'll see how this week goes. I can't really walk much on it right now which is a major bummer since I'm itching to run. Grrr injury. But I'm loooooving track workouts and just how awesome the running makes me feel. And for my bike, Betty Davis (she received her name at my event 2 weekends ago), I'm going to get the rest of my gear today so I can begin riding her. I'm SO excited. I'm thinking of doing a biathlon in NYC in September...run, bike, run, so that is exciting too. It's so nice to be back in the healthy realm, exercising not just regularly but actually training and working towards improving. I grew up an athlete and it's nice to feel like I'm finally getting back to where I want to be athletically.

What else...my oldest sister and I are planning a vacation this fall to Thailand. I'm SO pumped about that...I've always wanted to go and had considered an African Safari this year but she's going to be down in SE Asia and wants to travel together so Thailand is a great next option. The planning is just barely beginning but I already feel so excited about it.

That's all for now.

Running goal #2

2008-07-16T11:18:00.001-07:00

Yes, it is true...I'm a convert. I have come to love running .Bizarre, I know. I recently found a weekly track workout with legit coaches...sponsored runners and triathletes, and it has inspired me even more. I don't want to just run to run, I want to be decent...maybe not change my career or anything, but instead of just running a race to finish, I'd like to at least be somewhat decent. I have found that having goals really helps me stay motivated, pushes me further, keeps me excited. At the recommendation of one of the track workout coaches, I am going to do a 10K as a pre-half-marathon prep race. So I have decided to do the Round Church 10K in August. I'm pretty pumped! We talked about my running plan for the next 5 weeks and will be working specifically toward the 10K for the next 5 weeks of track workouts. And now that I know what I need to fix on my stride and foot placement, I'm hoping I begin to see some serious improvements in the coming weeks. Woohoo!

Hauntings

2008-07-15T06:56:00.000-07:00

I was discussing something with a friend yesterday and she used a word that so perfectly described what I was talking about...haunting. Have you ever had an encounter with a "ghost of Christmas past" and found yourself confused and Helen Keller-ing your way through the aftermath of it? I had en encounter that was good, nice, necessary that then turned into a reminder of things past, empty promises, throwing of a bone and taking it back, watching a wrench be thrown into some plan and then that's it, throw in the towel instead of figuring something else out.

When you find that a ghost has come to haunt you, do you embrace it and hope to make friends or do you exorcise the demons? Will it be fulfilling to just kick it out with full force without asking why it's there, figuring out it's motives, seeing what's up? Or is it better to wait it out, see if the ghost is trying to figure things out itself, trying to move into the next realm of after life. Perhaps we are trained to want to control things too much, to force answers out of situations when in reality, only time and growth will give answers, will make things better, will allow ghost and human to co-exist peacefully, and who knows, maybe even become friends.

On time

2008-07-09T13:35:00.000-07:00

My google "horoscope" this morning ended with a very interesting quote, one I'm surprised I had never heard before - "Appointments with destiny are always on time." I don't know why this struck me as so interesting, so intriguing but it did. Now, let's be honest, it doesn't take much to quickly distract me and send my mind reeling so this was no different.

You know when you can sense something but don't know what it is? Maybe you don't, but I can almost smell a change about to occur, an event about to happen, a shift in the works. Familiar things start to look slightly different, the feel of things is a bit morphed, sounds affect me differently. I don't know how to explain it.

I found myself picking up one of my favorite books two nights ago, The Celestine Prophecy. I read this book many years ago and it was one of those books I read at the exact right moment in my life, it left a profound effect on me. I am not sure what compelled me to pick it up again but as I read I am reminded of these little "instances" that I've noticed, reminders, tiny things that only make sense when coupled with other tiny things. Celestine Prophecy is based around that, sort of...it is based around the thought that there are no coincidences in life. You know when you think about something and then all of a sudden they call or you see a few things that remind you of someone and the next thing you know they are at your doorstep? Yep...these are not coincidences, but the systems of the universe, pointing out what is about to happen in an oh so subtle way. It's curious to think about that...it's curious considering the little here's and there's I've had of late.

Appointments with destiny are always on time.

Oh the weekend, the weekend

2008-07-07T13:26:00.000-07:00

When you spend more weekends in hotels and airports than not, it is amazing to feel a weekend, a real weekend in your own town with your own plans. This past weekend was the best weekend of the year so far I believe (although a few here and there are quite close). I took Thursday off and we had Friday off which also made for a nice little treat. Some dear girl friends of mine had been planning on a trip up to Burlington for the weekend which I was counting down their arrival for weeks. I spent Thursday doing some errands and laundry and such and spend the majority of the day planning a menu and cooking for my fireworks cocktail/dinner soiree with the girls. They arrived in the evening and showed up to champagne filled with strawberries and blueberries (my attempt at patriotic colors). This was followed by Brierley's delicious Peach Mojitos. I started the feast with some Caprese salad (tomatoes, basil, mozzarella, balsamic and olive oil) followed by some cheese and crackers. Next up we had ginger-lime shrimp and zucchini and red onion flatbread. We attempted to eat this outdoors but after many many bug bites we took it inside.

Dessert was a new concoction with my awesome ice cream machine - Olive Oil Gelato w/balsamic strawberries. I know, sounds weird, olive oil gelato but it's divine! We attempted to watch the fireworks from Emi and Kev's porch (I was "house sitting") but the trees obstructed the view so we took to the streets..literally straddling the yellow lines of College St. A little downtown action followed with some interesting sights.

Friday was a lovely day laying out on Shelburne Bay and watching Louis the chocolate lab attack rocks in the water...quite entertaining. Friday night we had another awesome cookout hosted at Brierley's place and ended up seeing multiple awesome fireworks shows right from her living room.

Saturday was one of those days that you just love good weather and beautiful sights. The girls all woke up early and met at Starbucks and then we took to the road and headed to Lake George, NY to hang out with Eve at her family's house.

The drive was beautiful and quite fun with an interesting trip to Walmart...no hummus to be found anywhere. We had an interesting trip out onto the lake on someone's boat only to get stranded. He neglected to tell us upon climbing aboard that he was planning to stay on the lake until late in the evening. So we hitched a ride w/another boat, who then took us in their minivan sans back seats to Eve's dad's house where her friend picked us up and dropped us off back at the original beach we were at. We had nothing with us except a few pairs of sunglasses and hats...no shoes, no cover ups, no food or water. It was pretty hilarious. A beautiful drive back and then I headed to Emma's birthday dinner at the Trat which was amazing. Soe and I had some delicious digestivs that I'm still thinking about. Green Room was fun and many laughs, secrets in the bathroom and Penelope dancing up Main St.

Sunday was spent enjoying brunch at PennyCluse followed by some accidental shopping (oops!). The afternoon was spent cooking Honey-Oat Bread and Chocolate/Chocolate Chip cupcakes with vanilla cream cheese frosting topped with raspberries. Then we were off to one of the most amazing summer nights...an outdoor concert at Shelburne Museum. Feist played and she was amazing. There was a gorgeous sunset, cool breeze and we packed an amazing picnic. Zoe was being the cutest thing ever (minus a bit of excess drool on my arm). It felt like heaven. I don't think I could have been in a more amazing setting.

My new living room

2008-07-01T09:03:00.001-07:00

Sweet and satisfying after bitter and bad

2008-07-01T08:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was an interesting day. It was a Monday, which can always be a bit rough especially since I took Friday off so I was coming off of a 3 day weekend. The bitter and bad unfortunately refers to work. Things have been...well, surprising lately to say it nicely. I suppose my expectations and reality are not quite in line with each other and my non-work life is being affected more than I had expected or hoped. So, it's tough...forging through unexpected territory, trying to find my way and figure it out without getting totally bummed out. Not to mention the stresses of dealing with people who think they are the only account in existence (not co-workers or client, but other groups involved in the events I am working on). It made for a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth upon leaving work.

And then came the sweet and satisfying part of the day. First off, I put my new ice cream machine to work and made a delicious, no, ecstasy filled creation - Pina Colada sorbet. Divine. I wanted to eat it until it was completely gone and than lick the icy cold freezer bowl (visions of "A Christmas Story" danced in my head). Following my sweet post-work treat was another enjoyable event. It was finally nice out...warm, sunny, cool breeze. Oh how glorious a sun dress feels, flowing lightly against sun flecked legs, the breeze dancing across my bare shoulders as I strolled down to Church St. I met a new friend for drinks. This new friend I was introduced to through a Bostonian friend whom insisted that we would become instant friends. The new friend just moved back to Burlington. We had met once before but this was our first official "girl date". We sat outside at Half...a thing I have been dreaming of since the last day of summer last year. Mojitos and wine. Great conversation. So much in common it's almost like we came from the same pod. It's always exciting making a new friend. And it was such a positive note to end what had been a rough day.

Summer...oh how I've been longing for thee.

This could mean trouble

2008-06-30T10:29:00.000-07:00

I admit that I sometimes have a shopping problem. My closet is testament enough of this little affliction. Something about purchasing garments just feels so darn good! Now, I have an equal weakness for home goods and cooking items. This is why going into Williams Sonoma never results in pure browsing. Yesterday was no different. I was wandering through the mall and decided to pop in, see what little sample treat they had, check out some items and just get inspired to cook that night. Then sometime caught my eye. This shiny red instrument of awesomeness...the Cuisinart Ice Cream Maker. And then it began..the ladies of W&S must have smelled the shopper in me. They began giving me samples of different ice creams they had made that day, showed me all kinds of recipes, talked about ones they had made and so on. Over a half hour later, I walked out with this...yeah, I couldn't resist. And they even threw in a free bottle of pina colada mix to make this delectable pina colada sorbet over grilled pineapple. So, I am going to attempt my first batch tonight and I'm pretty excited! I am hoping to stick with sorbets and yogurts with the occasional gelato here and there but I am determined to not allow this purchase to add to my waist line :-).

I have a feeling this could become a big hit at dinner parties. I'm even thinking about whipping up a few different flavors and having an ice cream social in the coming weeks! Yey!!

Physics and Good Samaritans

2008-06-26T08:38:00.000-07:00

Last night I had an experience with physics and good Samaritans. I picked up a couch some friends were giving me and Kevin and I headed over to my place to get it up the stairs. I had pre-measured the couch and stairs to insure it would fit and knew that it would on certain sides. We get to house, make it in the front door, up the first set of stairs and are feeling good at our ability to turn and rotate this bad boy. Then we reach the landing to my stairs. Why do old houses have odd turns or skinny stair wells or low door frames or doors that don't match up? It took us many many attempts at pushing the couch through and straight up to get it through the frame at the bottom of the stairs. We tried every configuration possible and were within a centimeter of getting it. Then suddenly two people show up to help. They had been next door at the Bed and Breakfast and could see us struggling through the window so decided to come offer help. After about 30 minutes of attempts we finally jammed it through the door. Home free! Or so we thought. We begin to climb the last set of stairs only to realize that the couch is on the wrong side to fit through the door. And then we get stuck going back down. It was at this point that I decided if I had a chainsaw i'd just start hacking this thing to pieces and say the hell with it. I honestly thought there may be a couch stuck in my hallway permanently. We finally start to get it back down so we can rotate it to the correct side. All of a sudden the couch makes a lurch down the stairs...Kevin and I were on the bottom and had full control but during a quick step down my arm got caught up against a protruding outlet type box...a good inch protrusion from the wall. It pretty much tore across my arm in a fit of searing pain and agony. At first it seemed like nothing had come of it minus some compression pain. And then the massive bump, bruising and cut showed up. This photo is after much icing and cleaning.

The good news? We finally spun the couch onto it's correct side and after a few hard pushes to get through one door, we were in. Two and a half hours later. Kevin is a saint and I'm sure Emma was wondering what the hell was taking so long. Those random strangers from the B&B are also saints. And the best thing is...the lady was a Gator!! She went to undergrad at Florida and was getting her Vet degree there currently. Talk about a small world, and how much that made me smile. It's true..."Through all kinds of weather we'll all stick together for F-L-O-R-I-D-A!"

Now I truly understand why furniture delivery charges and/or movers cost so much.

Good service goes a long way

2008-06-24T07:50:00.000-07:00

Last night I made a trip to my local co-op to get a few ingredients for a late dinner. They didn't have one thing I needed that was a key element for the dish but as I was discussing this item (pre-made crepes) with what I'm guessing was a manager, she then quickly ran upstairs and printed me out two recipes for how to make them on my own and talked about them a bit. It's moments like that that I really appreciate good service - going out of your way to assist a customer. Sometimes I forget that feeling b/c it isn't always super prevalent, but it is greatly appreciated from this customer. Customer service will keep me returning over and over again.

And I ended up making whole wheat crepes from scratch ... it was a bit challenging at first but once I got the hang of it I really enjoyed it and began devising in my head all the wonderful things I could do with this now. Whole wheat and brown sugar crepes with strawberries and homemade whipped cream, mascarpone and fresh berries and pineapple, savory crepes with feta, cucumbers, olives and artichokes. The possibilities are endless now that I have braved the world of homemade crepes!

A world away and many decibels later

2008-06-18T14:03:00.000-07:00

"It's like a third world country out there in general camping." A quote from my client at SoBe and so true. I have just returned from Bonnaroo. We were there representing SoBe and handing out more samples than we could physically pour. I have never been to Bonnaroo and it was an experience to say the least. We stayed in a rather small RV for a week and came to find out the first day that the generator we had sent to power the AC wasn't strong enough for just that so we survived on small fans. Thank goodness it cooled down at night considering during the day it capped out at 90+ degrees of pure cloudless heat. The RV housed 4 of us, 5 on a few nights that a friend crashed on the top bunk. We somehow got placed at the wrong campground and were a good 10-15 minute walk to our booth. 10-15 minute walk isn't so bad you would think...but when it's a virtual dust bowl and 90 degrees by 9am with the sun beating down on your like a massive bonfire, and the work day has yet to begin, it's a different story.

Some highlights:
- Silent Disco. Greatest thing ever. Picture a tent full of people dancing, but not music is playing..or at least none you can hear. Then you step in, done a pair of sound cancelling headphones, the DJ sounds come piping in and suddenly your head is bobbing in tune with everyone else's. Then the best part - removing your headphones to hear only feet shuffling against the damp grass and the occasional shout along with the song. Brilliance.
- Icy cold or scolding hot showers
- Front and center Metallica
- Jack Johnson followed by free beers followed by Pearl Jam
- Late night Tiesto and dancing in the rain
- Funnel cake
- Campground cruising (this is where the 3rd world country comment comes from...while we were driving a golf cart around general camping to hand out samples, it became apparent that we were in a whole new world at Bonnaroo...tents packed so tight you could barely walk between. People just rolling in from last nights shows. A massive fury of people running towards anything free. People begging for rides to at least get a little closer to the festival village)
- Familiar faces in an unfamiliar crowd

It was a wild time. It brought back many flashes of my childhood and our camping trips. Sitting outside of the camper, warmed by the glow of the flower shaped lights. The familiar smell of campers (is that a standard issue car freshener or what?). The awesome power of baby wipes when the shower was simply too hot or cold to bear. Enjoying the lack of frills and the lack of ability or desire to dress up, do your hair nicely and put on cute shoes.

Not to mention the music. I am not a concert goer. I rarely pay to watch people play live. I don't know, it's just not my thing. But here, in an environment where that's what everyone was there for, and which I didn't have to pay the hefty $300 entrance fee for, it was incredible. The tingles that crawled up my dewy skin as Jack Johnson played a flawless ballad...indescribable. The piercing sound of electric guitars as you watch the artists fingers move faster than a 400HP sportscar. The reverberating earth beneath your feet as Tiesto pumps tunes so heavily laden with bass you can feel them in your soul. It was an experience. One I'd like to have again only without the 12 hour workdays included. Photos coming soon.

From purple mountains majesty to purple lights of the strip club

2008-06-09T23:05:00.001-07:00

I have just arrived in Nashville, TN. We just spent a week in Vail for the Teva Mountain Games which was a great event in an incredibly beautiful city. After the first day we decided to rent bikes to cruise from hotel to event site and so on. I had a sweet teal cruiser. As I peddled down the main pedestrian street of Vail Village, the sight in the distance was one I can't do justice with words. These huge looming mountains covered in snow sat quietly, overlooking the whole valley. It was the best way to start each day.

We finished the event yesterday and hopped on a flight this afternoon to head to the next event - Bonnaroo. We're spending a night in Nashville before driving down to Manchester. Let me paint a quick picture of the change of scenery. For the past week we have been living at the Vail Plaza Hotel and Club - a beautiful new hotel with 3 hot tubs, a nice gym, friendly staff, beautiful rooms and smack in Vail Village. Tonight we are at a Comfort Inn just off the highway into Nashville where I can literally see flashing purple and red lights at the strip club across the street. Yep. And tomorrow we will be moving in to an RV in the middle of a field in Manchester, TN...although I'm pretty sure the RV will seem nicer then our current hotel accommodations.

The Atlanta to Nashville flight was delayed, than we sat on the runway for a good bit. However, it was a small price to pay for what I saw towards the end of the flight. The most amazing thing - a powerful lightening storm out the window of the plane. Huge thunderheads nearby with lightening snapping every second...giant flashes of lights, small strobes of it, large bolts shooting down from the cloud. It was magnificent. I tried to catch a photo of it but the power of the skies was too much for me.

Some interesting post-Teva Games tid-bits: I saw some awesome dogs do some impressive things like jumping 6'6" off the ground and into a pool. I had some tasty food at various establishments. I wore my amazing 80's sequined cocktail dress to an event party...it was definitely a major hit. I made new friends. I realized how much altitude really does affect your system...my running skills were severely compromised by being at 8,150 feet.

Things I'm looking forward to this week. Roughing it...I grew up a child of camping trips, and have spent enough time living out of a backpack to appreciate a few days of throwing a hat on and tramping through mud. I will get to see more musicians in concert in 4 days than I've seen my whole life - top choices include: Jack Johnson, Metallica, Tiesto, Vampire Weekend, Kanye West, Tegan and Sara and more. Silent Disco (I'll explain after experiencing). Good friends of mine coming down to work with us. Bonnaroo update will come next week.

On the road again, in more ways than one.

2008-06-04T09:33:00.000-07:00

I am disappointed in how bad I've been about updating my blog...there has just been so much going on lately I've barely had time to sleep (hellooo...3.5 hours Saturday night, 2 hours Sunday night). This past weekend I moved out of my wonderful King St. apartment that I had lived in for two years. It was bitter sweet. There are things I will not miss at all, yet that place is full of amazing memories, funny stories, lessons learned, emotions shared, friends made, loves lost. It took a lot of time to find a decent place to live and I stumbled upon an awesome spot. The move-in was interesting to say the least. It involved, among other things, a towed Ryder van the day of the move, moving people that were about 2 hours late, a couch that wouldn't fit out of the door therefore had to be sold to the new tenants of my old apartment, and me staying up until 2:30am to do some unpacking only to wake up at 4:30am to go catch a flight. But the new place makes me smile...it fits, it's perfect. There is still some serious unpacking to do, furniture to buy, artwork to be hung but it's getting there and more will be done upon my return.

Here it is once all boxes had been brought in from the truck...a giant mess!

Right now I am in Vail, CO for the Teva Mountain Games, representing SoBe. We got in Monday afternoon and will begin our set-up later this afternoon. It is so beautiful here...the mountains, the rivers and streams, the smells. I forgot how much I love this area of the country. The only tough part about it is the elevation. Vail is at 8,150 feet and I can definitely tell the difference. I've gone running the past 2 days and it has been a struggle. I have been running 4 and 5 miles consistently at home with no issue and I've been struggling with 2-3 miles here...it feels like I am a smoker with asthma! Here's hoping it gets better each day and will make me all that much stronger when I return to sea level!

I will be heading directly from Vail on Monday to Manchester, TN for a week of Bonnaroo which should be fun. Some great headliners not to mention our sweet RV we'll be living in for a week. Life on the road...it's tricky, but has a lot of perks as well. I always look forward to meeting new people, making new contacts, making new friends, seeing new places, learning and growing as a professional.

Oh and how could I forget...the marathon! What an amazing day it was. Our 5.5 mile leg went so well! We improved our time by almost 1.5 minutes per mile! We were literally passing people right and left (granted, this was mile 19 of the marathon so the people we were passing we undoubtedly full marathoners). It was such a rush, such a fun experience and so much positive energy flowing through the streets. It made me really fired up for running. Now I am training for a 10K that Emma, Penelope, Elisa, Becky and I are looking to do in summer or early fall...maybe even a half in Fall depending on how things go. It feels great....some days I hate the run, or feel some serious pain but in the end I love the satisfaction of completing a run.

Other than moving, running and traveling for work there have been some other things here and there. Interesting run-ins, interactions with people I hadn't seen in a while. Some feelings I had packed away reared their heads ever so slightly. Some confusion. Some validation. Some things to think about. Some things to sort out. Do we ever truly know what we want? Need and want are very different things. Want and should/should not are also quite different. Who knows where the road will curve.

Running update

2008-05-22T07:36:00.000-07:00

So, last night was the first time doing 5 miles...I think in my whole life (how sad is that?). I have to admit that I was a bit nervous going into it...could I do it? Would I have to stop? Would I be dead the next day? I was already terribly sore from the shoe mishap on Monday..would that make the run more difficult?

We took off for the run and right away I felt good...felt light on my feet, felt like I had good oxygen intake. And long story short, we did it...the whole 5 miles, no stopping and both feeling really good...I'm sure we could have gone longer, I'm positive. It felt GREAT. With that 5 mile run under my belt I'm feeling confident and ready for the race on Sunday. And I'm feeling ready to keep running as a constant in my life. My running partner and I have already decided that we're going to continue running once or twice a week together. We found an awesome 5 mile loop with the last mile being along the lake...the perfect way to end a run.

Now I am beginning to think of my next goal. Since my sister runs full marathons, I'm thinking a fun new goal would be her and I doing a half together (baby steps...). Who knows!

Come cheer our teams on on Sunday. KeyBank red jerseys - Team "Will Run for Cree-Mees" and "Soak up the Run". I'll be running the 4th leg from Battery Park up North Ave. Woohoo!

Attempting to become a runner

2008-05-21T13:39:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned before, I opted into running a leg of the Vermont City Marathon relay. We have two teams so each person has a running partner and my leg of the race is 5.5 miles. Not that big of a deal really. However, I have spent the past 25 years of my life pretty much loathing running, especially outside. Convinced I was ill-equipped to run, legs that would never handle running properly, a mind that would always reject it. I'd go out and run a mile and decide I hated it so much I'd be done. So, once I signed up for this relay, I was in. I am not one to commit to something and then back out, no matter how much I may be second-guessing my decision...especially when other people are counting on me. So. Here I am...4 days before the marathon and preparing to run 5 miles tonight for the first time. I have been doing 3 and 4 mile runs consistently the past 2 weeks with decent results. Monday's 4 miler was a bad one..I decided to switch from my Nike Free shoes to my high end New Balance runners and that was a bad idea...shin splints throughout the run and really sore legs the next 2 days. So, I'm back to the Frees with a new pair arriving tomorrow that I'll test out Friday to see if they are worthy of Sunday's run.

This process, although it's only been about 3 weeks, has been interesting and exciting. I find myself really dreading runs but once I'm out there, and especially when I'm done, loving the solidarity of if, the mind clearing, the way I feel after I finished a good run. I enjoy having a goal, a reason to be running and that has really made all the difference. I have learned that my body is in actuality, not ill-equipped to run, it was my mind sabotaging the process the whole time. For me to think about the fact I've been running 4 miles is insane...I literally used to do 1.5 miles and feel like I'd run a marathon. I am athletic, I work out regularly, but for some reason running used to kill me. Now I don't let running hold the reins, I have taken control. I really hope that I continue to run consistently and become even better at it and incorporate it into my life for good. My sister runs marathons and now I'm thinking how fun it would be to do a marathon with her, perhaps we'll do a relay and each do a 1/2...I'm not sure if I have the attention span to run for 4 to 5 hours.

So. Tonight...5 miles. I have new running shorts, a new sports bra and am getting mentally prepped. I'm really excited about the relay, and really excited at how far I've come so quickly. It's amazing what you can do when you just change your outlook on things.

Making strides

2008-05-21T07:29:00.000-07:00

I feel like there is so much going on right now that I can't even write it out. Work is crazy, my phone is constantly ringing and I can't keep track of which airline I'm flying next and to which city. Not to mention the wonderful task of packing up my apartment in preparation to move in a week and a half to my new place which I'm really excited about. Having all of this going on and also training for my leg of the marathon has really made me look at myself in a different light, stand back and examine things in my life.

There are moments in the recent past that I look at and wonder how I got there, how I lost so much of myself, how I slipped into being someone totally different than who I am. When you find yourself deep in a situation like that, it truly takes work to get back to where you need to be. And once you start to feel yourself being as you should again, it's awesome! There's something empowering about being so busy and stressed you find yourself sitting on the floor wondering how you will take another step, and than a few days or weeks later you see how you overcame it and got everything done, made so much happen. I like to test the limits of my strength and ability to take the world on my shoulders and not ask for help. The recent craziness has really turned me around, reminded me of how impressed I can be with myself sometimes.

Things really do work out in the end...and if they have yet to work out, than it's not the end.

Like birds of a feather

2008-05-14T13:27:00.000-07:00

I hate to admit it but I can be kind of lame during the week...I tend to be in bed by 11pm, sometimes even as early as 9pm. Last night however, I found myself driving home at 1am after hanging out with a girl friend of mine. We both had work the next day (her having to be up at 5am for it!) and had originally planned on takeout sushi and a movie. It turned out to be a night of sushi and awesome conversation. The kind of conversation that ebbs and flows between so many topics that somehow link together, so many interesting points, so many things discussed, so many thoughts shared, so many bits of advise given. It was one of those nights where you leave feeling so full, so satisfied. A conversation that left you thinking and caused you to take actions in some way.

One topic of conversation was the Law of Attraction. This sort of "birds of a feather flock together" or "misery loves company" kind of thought. If you dish out positive energy, visualize and think of what you want, what you expect it's more likely to happen. Similarly, if you sit and brood, complain, whine and moan it's going to attract that outcome and that crowd only creating a spiral down and down the negative path. Have you ever been thinking about someone and the phone rings and it's them? Well, yeah we all have. How about twice in one day? Three times in 2 days? Yeah...this recently happened to me. I was thinking about my brother in law and how he hadn't called me back regarding an important voicemail and poof, the phone rings literally as I'm about to pick up and call him again. Then later in the day I start thinking about a friend who usually doesn't go longer than a week w/out calling me but I hadn't heard from him in a few weeks and then I hear my phone ring and later check it...it was him. Manifest destiny..put your thoughts out into the atmosphere, let the universe swirl it around a bit and see if it comes back. Chances are, it will.

Did I mention that I, someone who loathes running, is running a leg of the marathon next weekend? Yeah...I think I was drunk when I agreed to that. I only started "training" for it last week and it's been interesting. I must say, I'm somewhat surprised at my capability...that and the fact I'm interested in continuing running past the marathon. Although my body is still not quite used to running, I am looking forward to it getting easier and more fluid and seeing where it takes me...literally!

Catching up

2008-05-01T19:07:00.000-07:00

It has been, fair to say, an extraordinarily long amount of time since my last post. Not to mention what a cliff hanger I left it at..anticipation of a recap of my trip to Istanbul. I'm currently sitting in a hotel in Montauk, NY preparing to go to bed before a long weekend of surf competitions. My new client, SoBe, is a sponsor of the Eastern Surf Association and this is their Northeast Regional competition. I was just in Myrtle Beach, SC last weekend for the Mid-Atlantic Regionals and it was a great event...so fun to spend a weekend on the beach with people who are just pumped to be there. Montauk is supposed to have highs of 53 and rain all weekend so the vibe will probably be a bit different, but hopefully some sun will peak through.

I will do a full Istanbul post this weekend, pictures and all. In short, it was a great trip in a great city...so full of color and sound and beauty. I was truly amazed.

I have to quickly reflect on my current location. I have traveled extensively, for pleasure and work, and therefore notice things that a less seasoned traveler may not. And because I am presently on a whirlwind tour, traveling for literally the next 6 weeks, I'm also acutely aware of interesting things. For instance, the hotel we are in does not have hair dryers or irons in the rooms, but it has a kitchen complete w/a stove and mini fridge. Interesting. We were given "ocean view" rooms...heaven. Our rooms in SC were the same and we literally were on the ocean. Ocean View in Montauk means something entirely different. If I crane my neck over my balcony, I can see a snippet of the ocean...hence "ocean view". However, we did just eat an amazing seafood prix fix meal at a local restaurant...asparagus soup, grilled mako shark with island veggies and a delicious fruit cup for dessert. It was delectable...so much so that I ate until I literally hurt. I love meals like that once in a while.

A lot has gone on recently. I went to Istanbul. The following weekend after my return I drove down to Boston and had the most amazing weekend visiting some girl friends down there...so much laughter, so many great conversations, so many funny happenings. Then I found out my apartment has been sold and the new owners will be moving into my apartment...my sanctuary, my home, my love. I am married to my apartment...I love it. I must say, I'm heartbroken to leave it. I have been frantically searching for a new place amidst being on the road constantly, not to mention the fact I will be gone during my supposed June 1st move out. I think I have decided to hold off unless I find something in the next week or two. I may move in with friends for June and July and then into someplace great in August...give myself more time to find something that is really me, that I will be able to really make my home. I have to admit. If I hadn't taken this current account and wasn't traveling like this, I would probably be looking for an apartment in another city. I'm feeling it...the winds blowing in a new direction, the smell of something unfamiliar, calling me it's way..what it is yet, I'm not sure. There have been many interesting happenings lately...the apartment, the travel, some out of the blue communication. Who knows what will happen in the next few weeks.

And now I must retire as the first heat in the competition is at 7am tomorrow which means we need to get there by 6:30am to set up. Think sunny thoughts for us...please. Goodnight moon.

Growth

2008-04-03T23:31:00.001-07:00

One of my favorite things to do is as follows. When I'm in Manhattan, I love to walk places. Particularly at night. I like to meet friends in the city for a drink on a less-than-crazy night and then put iPod on and walk back to my hotel...be it 5 blocks or 40. Tonight I did just that. Let me back up. I took a break from a mountain of work to have dinner with a good friend of mine. We met for sushi and as we're chatting I look up and across the restaurant see my friend from Burlington...a Vermont friend in the same restaurant at the same time on a random Thursday night in Manhattan. Anyways. I met them for drinks later and proceeded to walk back the mile and a half to my hotel, in a slight drizzle. Perfection. As I was walking, I passed a beautiful tree starting to bloom...really bloom. In an ideal world, time would have stopped, a bench would have appeared and I would have taken a seat, for at least a few minutes. It made me smile, smile and think. Think about how things grow...despite cold winds, despite global warming, despite being a tree amidst concrete. Growth and change is one of the few things that are certain in life.

I have been in the city for 2 days. Within the 2 days I have had dinner and 6 hours of amazing conversation with someone I was casual friends with in college. I was reminded of the fact that sometimes we meet people who genuinely are in our lives for a long time and sometimes we just meet them at a point in our life where we aren't well equipped to have them be a full timer. I have sat at dinner and, as stated above, seen a friend from my tiny little current hometown. I have seen the first true signs of spring. I am currently watching the Empire State Building spire disappear behind a curtain of mist as I work on my computer until the wee hours of morning. Is it this place physically or this place I'm in personally? Do you ever walk down the street and watch the lights, every light, magically change in your favor? Does it make you think that the world is walking with you?

Life sometimes just happens. Perhaps there really are signs all around us and we just don't have the right prescription eyewear to see them.

Airports...my 2nd home

2008-04-01T07:57:00.000-07:00

I am yet again about to take off on another adventure involving multiple airports. I fly out of VT tomorrow, bright and early and head to NYC for a work event tomorrow evening. I have some meetings and then a big report to work on on Thursday so I have minimal work to do on the plane on Friday. Friday afternoon I'll be heading back to JFK airport but not to fly back to VT. I'll be meeting up w/my parents and oldest sister, Alli, to hop on our plane direct to Istanbul!! We luckily don't have any layovers, although that means 10.5 hours on one plane. It is a toss up...would it be better to be woken part way through the night for a layover and at least get to stretch your legs, walk around a bit in an airport, or have the whole 10.5 hours straight through? I suppose if the Ambien does what it's supposed to do, I'll be pleased with the long, direct flight. Granted, I may have to do some work for the first part of the flight, but small price to pay for a nice vacation.

We will be in Istanbul for 7 days and I'm so excited. Work has been insane lately (was here til 8:30pm last night) but that will make this vacation all the more amazing because it is so needed. I take an overseas trip every year and would have already gone on mine by now so I'm feeling the "itch" even more so. I'm really excited to explore a city that was once ruled by the Romans and is now 99.8% Muslim. It's going to be incredible! And I'm really excited to see my family. This will be the 5th overseas trip I've been on with my parents but the first with Alli. I've been to a few countries with Colleen, my other sister, but never Alli so we're really excited to explore together. We will definitely be checking out Istanbul nightlife once or twice.

Woohoo!!! Check back in about 10 days for some photos. Milk blog part 2 is still on it's way..I have a few more articles to read before posting.

Signs

2008-03-28T08:30:00.000-07:00

Although I constantly preach that there are no coincidences, I am still constantly baffled by the world, the universe's ability to provide us with so much foreshadowing of things to come. I recently had a great example of this. Someone who was no longer in my life had recently been popping up here and there, randomly, and I was questioning the meaning of it, if there was anything beyond the blatant meaning of it all. And then yesterday I got my answer. It was foreshadowing of a run-in, a first interaction.

Is it just me or isn't it a sort of law that when someone asks "how are you?" regardless of how you are, you generally answer "good" or "great" or "doing fine". Maybe on a rare occasion to someone you are very close with you'd say "eh...i've been better" or "having a rough day". Last night I got the response "terrible". No joke. I didn't realize anyone actually responded to "how are you" with "terrible". I have to say, it was bizarre...bizarre, off-putting, and a bit sad. I do not know the root of the "terrible", I didn't inquire, but one has to wonder...what compels someone to be so bad off they would actually say "terrible"? Maybe there is a bit of a refreshing element in it, that someone would be so brutally, painfully honest? However, does saying out loud that you are doing terrible, just make it worse? The power of positive thinking...it's an interesting topic. An interesting theory.

I hope none of you are ever doing so bad, are so sad or stressed that you feel the need to say you are doing terrible. And if you are feeling that low, I hope you call me to talk instead.

Did I mention I'm going to Istanbul in April?

2008-03-20T11:27:00.000-07:00

Well, I am. I fly out of JFK on April 4th, arrive in Istanbul the morning of the 5th and fly back on the 12th. I'm SO excited. I will be heading to NYC for work on the 2nd and then going to JFK on the 4th to meet my parents and oldest sister and we'll hop on the 10.5 hour flight to Turkey. I hear it is one of the best cities in the world and I can't wait. I am in desperate need of a vacation!

Milk part 1

2008-03-19T08:00:00.000-07:00

I am sure most people, by now, have heard of the book "Skinny Bitch"...the latest in dieting trends. I own this book and have flipped through it, but not read it in it's entirety. I do know a few people who have though.

As with all other fad diets, this one is quite an extremist point of view, with some good ideas mixed in. I like to read things like this and go on the "with a grain of salt" approach. Unless written by a doctor or nutritionist (even then it can be biased), we have to understand that, like religion, you cannot simply go on blind faith.

One of the points of the book is that you should stop drinking milk. It claims that it is not natural for cows to produce milk constantly and that their teats can get infected leaking pus into milk. Anyways, there were plenty more claims as to why milk should be banished from your diet.

This really got me thinking. I love milk. Love it. I drink it by the pint glass, so the thought of deleting it from my life was a hard one to swallow. I had dinner at Emma and Kevin's recently and realized I was in perfect company to get to the root of all of this. Kevin works in bovine nutrition and Emma is writing her PhD thesis on cows and milking cows more specifically. Emma and I ended up talking about this for probably an hour and she provided me with so much insight into the fallacies that Skinny Bitch was preaching. "Milk is one of the most perfect foods", she tells me. The treatment of milking cows is a science and art in itself. After much more discussion, she referred me to PubMed and has printed off some articles of scientific studies directly related to milking cows, treatment, illness, etc. and I'm anxiously awaiting to pour through them. Milk Part 2 will be up in a few days once I've gathered more info and can adequately sum up what Emma told me in conjunction with these other studies.

I think my main point in blogging about this isn't directly related to milk but more that people don't spend enough time looking further into something, they are willing to just buy into a fad and change their habits because a pop culture book says so. I am a fact seeker, a scientist at heart so I constantly delve deeper into issues and immerse myself in facts so that I am truly informed from all points of view. To me, doing anything but that would be like walking into a debate without even researching your topic. Blind faith may work for some people and may have a place in religion, but when it comes to science, nutrition and your health, it is only right to truly investigate claims especially when one of the sources is a "self made know-it-all".

Milk Part 2 coming soon.

Forward motion

2008-03-15T19:33:00.000-07:00

My March numerology in Elle Magazine sums up some things, some feelings that went on today quite well...the last 2 sentences of it are: "Instead of playing things carefully, you boldly set the pace - and make new priorities. Along the way, you enjoy the pleasure of rediscovering your strong, independent self."

I had a lovely evening with Becky last night which consisted of a delicious dinner at Asiana followed by a glass of wine at 1/2 bar. We talked about a bunch of stuff, as per usual, but something about our conversations got me inspired and jump started the engine that has been stalled in me for the past few weeks. Today, I went and joined the gym as I'd been talking about since our other gym membership ended in January, and then I went and had a really nice workout and remembered how great it feels to sweat. Afterwards I stopped in at SkiRack to try on bike shoes. I've decided I'm going to start road biking this spring. I spent a good hour in there talking to the bike people (Susie rules) and getting a ton of information into this sport I know little about. I walked out with a pair of shoes (I figured if I own the shoes, I won't back out now) and a sense of empowerment and excitement over this new adventure! I'm looking forward to finding my bike and taking to the streets, literally. Becky is also planning to pick up the sport and it will really be great to have another beginner to do it with. We have already begun to plan Saturday's of driving to neat spots and riding for hours.

I'm not sure what it was exactly, but I started to feel myself again today. As my numerology said, I am beginning to enjoy the pleasure in rediscovering my strong, independent self. It feels great..I have truly been missing, well, me.

Finding a loss or losing a find?

2008-03-14T21:46:00.001-07:00

Have you ever felt like you truly found yourself and then down the road of self awareness, you lose yourself again? I suppose this can go back to an earlier post where I mentioned sometimes needing to take 10 steps back to be able to take another step forward. It's an odd thing...thinking about how far you've come, how much you've learned about yourself, how you can remember feeling yourself really being you for the first time...and then one day feeling, once again, so lost. You recognize the face, you know what's there inside, but somehow it doesn't surface, somehow it has been buried beneath pointless information, standard "hi, how are you"'s. You can remember the things that make you you, but somehow it's been lost, temporarily. But lost nonetheless. Lost by time, lost by experience, lost by loss, lost by heartbreak, lost by growth. I guess that the absence of change, the absence of uncertainty equals complacency, equals a plateau in life therefore being lost again isn't necessarily bad. But the realization of it can be scary. Scary because you can recall that day, that month, that year where you realized you were finally you...but now you aren't so sure anymore. How do we re-find ourselves? How do we get back to really being ourselves, ourselves in their truest form?

Perhaps the hardest part of finding yourself lost once again, is realizing that you got there by allowing yourself to get lost in something great...allowed life to swoop in and change things. When you lose yourself in something, you truly lose a part of yourself. Again, it takes you back a few steps, but in the end I suppose we can only hope that by giving a piece of ourselves, we have gained just that...the ability to really give. If we never experience loss, if we never find ourselves in the dark searching for the light, how could we ever appreciate the great things in life.

Look or jump?

2008-03-12T20:33:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine recently did what I've been considering doing for over a year. He bought a ticket, got a visa and got on a flight to Sydney, Australia. He doesn't necessarily have everything lined up for when he gets there, but that's the beauty of it...he jumped.

So often we look before jumping...not just look, but scrutinize, magnify, analyze, look again, look once more. And to boot, many times after all that thought and all the looking, we don't even jump...we're lucky if we even hop. The Romans coined the phrase, "carpe diem"...seize the day. They encouraged taking life by the horns and diving in head first, taking a look later. Do we focus too much on the later than the now? Have we lost that seizing desire the Roman's possessed? Are we trained to think that risks and spontaneity are dangerous? Does our culture teach us that planning and paths and straight and narrow courses in life are the way to success and happiness?

It is too often I find myself thinking about the consequences, the aftermath of something I haven't even done yet, and too often that puts a pause on something, an end to something that never had a beginning. I envy people who jump and let the next day be the time to look and deal with their actions, good or bad. I like to think I jump, at least now and then. What it really comes down to is looking far down the road and if you will regret NOT doing something. I am a firm believer in my favorite quote - "the biggest regrets in life are the risks we didn't take." Even if a moment seized, a day seized, an opportunity seized doesn't necessarily have the most positive outcome, you can never look back and wonder. And in the end, every experience shapes us, sometimes the bad have more of an impact, provide more of a lesson, than the good.

I envy my friend who, by now, is probably in the land down under. He jumped.

Here nor there

2008-03-10T09:31:00.000-07:00

I have just returned from a whirlwind work trip...5 cities in 8 days. BTV to LA to SF to Denver to DC to Boston to BTV. It was exciting, exhausting, challenging, rewarding, growing, changing, fun, stressful, overwhelming, enjoyable. I was able to squeeze in a few dinners with old friends and family...always a huge plus of being on the road as I have friends in most major cities. Now I am back in Vermont, relaxing on my own couch in my own apartment. Although traveling for work is one of my favorite parts of my job, it can be extremely lonely...hotels, airports and crowded bars away from home can make you feel so alone in the world, so apart from anything warm and loving. It puts a lot of things into perspective. It makes you think about who you would call to tell your day to, what you would be doing if you weren't where you currently were, who you would be laughing with. I stayed in some great hotels with amazing rooms and views and decorations yet they were devoid of the laughter of my friends, the smiles of my family, the stories of our lives.

Being on airplanes and long layovers and unfamiliar places gives you a lot of time to think. It is easy to dwell on things..life, work, love, friends. It's easy to find yourself beating a dead horse in your mind..going over something so many times you can almost begin to taste it. There are times where you have to almost tell yourself to shut up.

I had a ton of time to think during this trip as I felt like I was stuck on runways with delays for more hours than not. Do you ever find yourself feeling sorry for yourself? Don't you hate that? I want to slap myself and say "suck it up. you've got a pretty sweet life so quite your bitching." How can you move forward if you are still stuck in the past? Dwelling is a poison, a toxin, a cancer that spreads if you don't cut the tumor out and throw it away. Not to worry, there will be a scar to remind you, because forgetting is sometimes just as bad as dwelling...experiences shape who we are. Scars remind us of where we've been and who we've become. But that's all they should be, reminders not determiners. Move on, grow past, step forward.

Universe

2008-02-22T18:59:00.000-08:00

I remember growing up, my mum would always say, "everything happens for a reason". I remember getting so mad at her...she didn't know anything, how could she know what I was going through, how could she know if my life really was over or not? As I got older and began to reflect, I realized she was right. She never said everything that happens is good or happy or positive, but what she wanted known most was that it happened for a reason. Sometimes it would take a day to realize that reason, sometimes a week, sometimes 2 years...there was no way to know and the only way to find out was to keep on living.

Her words ring so loudly in my head, sometimes I swear she is in my living room, reading a book and yelling those words across my apartment when I'm in a moment of not understanding how the world works.

This past week has encompassed a lot of...well, just a lot of. The end of the past weekend involved a little bit of motion backwards, a little bit of a set-back which caused more confusion, more frustration. The end of this week, things started to come back together. The "reasons" started to show their faces. The past few weeks had been tough and taken a lot out of me and again I kept hearing my mothers words (and secretly cursing them as the reasons hadn't yet appeared). But some things happened this week which made other things make more sense...things that I may not have been willing to dive into had something else not happened. Thinking back 5 months, and more so, 2 or 3 months, I wouldn't have jumped at the opportunity, jumped at the challenge that was presented to me this week. And this opportunity, this challenge is something that I really feel will be something major...life wise, career wise, growth wise.

There is a strange kind of peace that has happened the past few days..maybe it's because I've been so busy I have barely slept, maybe because the puzzle is coming together, the lost pieces have surfaced. Would I be here, would I be where I am right now, had I not gone through things of late...

The universe doesn't hate us...if it hated us it wouldn't allow our hearts to be so brave.

Walking backwards to move forward

2008-02-18T14:59:00.000-08:00

"I think people should realize there are other lanes, not just theirs for only them."

I have a new favorite musician...Matt Pond PA. His song, "Brooklyn Stars" is where the above quote comes from. His melodies and sounds are almost like a drug.

I had some interesting experiences this past weekend that had a more lingering effect than I would have expected. One thing that at the time seemed like something that would provide some clarity ended up setting me back a step or two mentally. Other happenstances brought up memories and questions. Someone once said progress and direction do not always run together. Sometimes you have to take 10 steps back to move one step forward. Those 10 steps back, watching the goal as it slowly moves out of sight, can seem so wrong, can hurt so much that you don't understand why you can't just sprint to the finish.

This past weekend, amidst some extremely fun outings and events w/my friends who were visiting, I experienced my first few steps backward. Some of them voluntary, others coincidental, others involuntary. Some seemed like a way to move a few steps forward only to actually cause the opposite. When you feel as though you have digressed, fallen behind, lost pace, maybe that is just a way to take you back to a place you had been before but maybe had missed something. Maybe it's a way to put you back at a crossroads, a blinking light and look at things in a different light. Why else would we have to take steps back to truly move forward? Surely life can't be that inefficient to just push you back for the hell of it.

"When it's over, why can't it be gone." - Matt Pond PA

Valentines Day...

2008-02-14T11:54:00.000-08:00

Ah...February 14th. It is an interesting day to be honest. Some people use it as a day to make up for their poor behavior in a relationship. Some people use it to mask the major cracks in a relationship. Some use it to reconnect. Some use it as a good reason for some extra special lovin' with their special someone. Some use it as a day to be reminded of their single freedom, although on Valentines Day it can often feel less like independence and more like a dark cloud...a day where being alone is highlighted, hanging at every corner in neon lights, lingering in the empty mailbox.

Did you know that ancient Valentines Day rituals included sacrificing a goat and a dog? Shedding blood on the day of love. It seems a bit...I don't know, dark? Do you know an estimated one BILLION Valentines cards are sent each year? I am not sure I completely agree with excessive tree killing as a way to show someone you care...unless it is like what my office mate did (see below).

I loved elementary school days where everyone took a shoebox and spent hours making it beautiful and perfect, doilies, stickers, glitter, hearts galore, lace, you name it. Then everyone had to put a Valentine in everyones box. Of course you got extra special ones for your close friends. And then there was always the anticipation...will I get a special Valentine from my crush? Ah..the sweet bliss of innocent young love. Being 10 was great...love was free, love was without deep pain, love was a stolen kiss under the monkey bars.

I asked my office mate what he got his wife for Valentines Day. He wrote her a love letter. He nailed it on the head...what I consider would be the best Valentines Day present ever from the one you love.

I'm starring at the red velvet cupcake and the chocolate cupcake w/oreo hearts sitting next to me on my desk...starring and wondering if as they fill my stomach, will they fill the place that someone recently had...

Happy Valentines Day all. Don't forget to tell your family and friends you love them.

A "Floridian" in Vermont

2008-02-12T13:26:00.000-08:00

Some days I have to just laugh at myself and the 22 years I spent in warm climates. Although I have lived in Vermont for 3 years, enduring 3 long winters, there are still things I am a complete novice at when it comes to Winter. The other day I was sitting on my living room floor near a window and felt strong currents of cold air. Yep...old house, old windows, no insulation. I'd had this thought for the past few weeks but finally decided to do something about it. Last night I purchased some of this Seran wrap looking stuff (you Vermonters know what I'm talking about) to seal up my windows in hopes of a) increasing the warmth available in my house and b) decreasing my bills. It all started out just fine and dandy, minus some reworking to make things fit. Then the fun part came, or so I thought. I began the "hair drying" portion as directed on the box. I must say, watching that stuff shrink up into a shiny, almost invisible shield, was quite enthralling. That is until, POOF, lights out. Half of my living room went dead.

After a few curse words, I promptly march to the fuse box and flip a few breakers hoping to fix the problem. Nope. Nothing. I begin testing out various plugs only to realize that the 4 sockets on the south side of my living room are totally dead. As if that general problem isn't bad enough, the main heater for the house happened to be plugged into one of them, cable into another. "You must be kidding" I thought to myself. I try to make my house warmer and now it's just getting more cold. Perfect.

Here's hoping the electrician gets back to me tonight, and can fix the problem ASAP. I have guests coming this weekend and a large orange extension cord running across my living room so that I have heat is NOT ideal for house guests. I never imagined a little Seran wrap, a hair dryer, and a lot of cold air could cause so much annoyance!

Shrinking Violet?

2008-02-07T13:32:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in something, whisked away by something, mesmerized by something. Sometimes it's a pair of all too expensive high heels. As you gaze longingly into the mirror, the lady next to you stops shopping to admire and praise the perfect match of human and shoe, you become entranced and the next thing you know, your credit card is debited an unspeakable amount. Sometimes it is the snow falling on the trees, dancing on it's way down, softening the sounds of life, dusting your eyelashes, you get lost in it. Other times it is a feeling, an emotion long lost. It takes you over, engulfs your system slowly and quietly. Suddenly you wake up and think, where have I been?

There are days, we all have them, where we just aren't "ourselves". Sometimes it's just a passing mood, sometimes it's caused by stress, sometimes by outside events, and sometimes it can come from getting lost, getting lost in that emotion that has quietly overtaken our souls. A once cartwheeling, outspoken girl becomes a more subdued, calculated person. They are but one in the same, yet the former version embodied the true soul of the person. How does this happen? How can we get so lost, become a shrinking violet in front of our own eyes, unable to recognize it until something has passed? It often isn't until doing a cartwheel again that that girl remembers what it feels like, hands on the pavement, feet flying overhead, and thinks...it's been far too long since I've done one of those.