Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Blip in the Radar

Funny how right when things seem to be going so well, it's almost inevitable for a little blip in the radar to appear. I sometimes wonder if it happens to knock some reality back into you, remind you that there will always be roadblocks, difficulty, and not let you get to comfortable in grandeur of things. I am not sure what it is, but I feel totally out of my skin. I can't sit still, I feel like I could blow my lid at any minute, I want to punch a wall, curl up in my room, run until I can't feel my legs, disappear for a few days. There's a cumulation of things...our offices are moving Monday, I fly out for my big event in a week, work is crazy and unpredictable, people are inconsistent and confusing, my hamstring is acting up, my apartment needs to be cleaned, I miss my sisters and parents. Wow...talk about a "waaaaah" fest. My old office mate would say to me, "Someone call the WAAAAHmbulance!" I need a good dose of laughter and a great surprise to shake me out of this funk. I hate funks. I'm a bit of a control freak so when things get out of my control, or I wake up feeling off and can't pinpoint what it is, therefore how to fix it, I get antsy and frustrated. I need a remedy but I don't know the ailment. I know one part of the ailment, but I can't control it....what if a doctor said to you, after you explain your symptoms, "yeah...I know exactly what you have but sadly I have no idea how to fix it or make it feel better.". Brutal. I may have to go dark for a few days, decompress. I am definitely looking forward to heading off to Chicago in a week, gone for 10 days. I'll be totally busy the whole time, distracted, unable to think about stupid stuff, focus on what I've been working on for the past few months, see some friends, make some new ones. I need an escape. I need a massage. I need a glass of wine...or three.

Monday, June 8, 2009

The Past Reflects Eternally Between Two Mirrors...

I am completely addicted to this new book I'm reading - Shantaram. I'm entranced. Enthralled. Engrossed. Enveloped. I have two other books, scratch that, three that I'm supposed to have done by next week, one of which I am the host for and I can't seem to pick them up in lieu of this book.

I am a total nerd, especially when it comes to reading. One of my tendencies is that I dog ear pages and underline key phrases/quotes. This book is quickly becoming a series of dog ears. I swear, every other page has a profound statement, and they are beginning to truly affect me. One of my favorites is part of this blog entries title: "The past reflects eternally between two mirrors - the bright mirror of words and deeds, and the dark one, full of things we didn't do or say."

I try to live by a similar quip - "I do not regret the things I've done, but those I did not do." It's definitely easier said than done, but if you can do it, if you can live that way, the rewards far beat the risks associated with having regret of things undone or unsaid.

A new situation I have found myself in has really pushed me to follow this...to look at that mirror of the past and remind myself, today is the day, the day to not hold back, to not sally out, to not tip toe around. Today is the day to go for it, to take a risk, to take a bit of a leap of faith b/c I have nothing to lose except regret of not trying with all my might.

The other amazing part about this book, besides the general story and amazing quotes is that it is making me HUNGRY to travel, specifically to India. I can't express how badly I wish I could just take off for a few months and travel, explore. It's so in my heart, in my soul, the desire. I know I eventually will take a "sabbatical" from life and do it...perhaps it just isn't the right time. Perhaps my time will be when I meet that "someone" and we do it together, an adventure to begin a journey of life together. Who knows. All I know is winds are changing, things are stirring, and I dig it. And I refuse to let moments pass...I refuse to look at the mirror of my recent and soon to be past and see the dark mirror. It's a gift, hold on to it as long as it will let you.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Dawning

It can be really hard sometimes to not get ahead of ourselves, but sometimes the feeling is too great to just ignore it and not get a bit carried away. 


Beginnings. I have always had mixed feelings about beginnings of anything because it’s the most uncertain point of something new. Be it a move, a job, a friend, a lover, a pet. You have no idea how the next day will be, if it will be better or worse than the current, if it will end up only getting more amazing with each passing minute, if it’s destined to be something greater, something with even more meaning that you originally imagined. I think humans, as a species, are raised to feel uncomfortable with this sort of new uncertainty, we want to know what’s ahead so we can plan. But that, in and of itself, can ruin the innocence of a beginning, can rob it of it’s purity which, in the end, will be what leads it to something greater. Letting it be what it will be, in that day, that instant, without worrying about the next day or moment will hold. 


Sometimes it’s hard to make sure we don’t get in the way of ourselves, that we take the moment for the moment and live fully in it. But when you can do that, especially in the case of beginnings, it is so rewarding, so fulfilling, so great. Surrendering yourself to a circumstance, it’s invigorating. You leave it without regret, without what-ifs, what could-haves. So how do you know if a moment, part of a beginning has been a success, beyond the gut feeling, that slight nausea of greatness? Sometimes you take a quick glance back at the moment and you see it looking right back at you...then you know...it agrees.